I am struggling at the moment

Oh I didn't realise when I started this that I opened a can of worms but I guess I needed to because just maybe there is so much going on in my head that needs to be pulled out. I will journal it I think.

@Former-Member I struggle with all you mentioned. The journey from A to B can be a nightmare. I don't think I've ever really completed it yet. Having struggled with avoidance my whole life learning to step up to the plate is fear riddled. The I'm not good enough at anything is huge for me. I don't trust myself with anything as well. I don't think I ever have. When I'm able I've been doing schema therapy. My current therapist is trained in ACT but prefers schema therapy. I have so much to learn and undo.

@Former-Member Thanks for the encouragement. It feels like this isa weird moment in time.

@Faith-and-Hope I think part of the humiliation that I feel is because I have to go back so far in time to relearn. Today my therapist sent info for me to try to reach my happy child and meet the needs of my vulnerable child. All I could do was cry.

@Former-Member Thanks for adding to this. I think we feel the same things but for different reasons. For me I've never had that sense of real purpose not even motherhood. I love my kids but I've never found pride or satisfaction in being a mother. I have felt pride in my kids but that is a different thing. I think I must scream existential crisis. My first GP raised it as did my last psychologist but for me it doesn't feel like that. I think it is more about being so dependent and not having an identity that I want to feel like there is something I can do in this planet that is worthwhile mostly in reference to a job. It's been three years that I've been on my own.

@Kurra I can name my fears and there is a long list. Over time I learned to adapt to my fears by hiding and avoiding them. Now I have nowhere to hide they consume me.

Lastly it was a year ago today that my psychologist left me without closure. I was unable to talk to her again. This has had a huge impact on me in the last year. Tonight I know that someone else is feeling that loss too. For me my reaction was more intense than any other loss in my life. I still don't understand it but it still affects me to this day and heightened my fear of abandonment to ridiculous levels.

Hi @Former-Member

Such a battle - such a tough journey - I could look back into my past when I saw a psychologist who practised CatharticHypnosis - the idea was to get his patience to scream and have no idea what his neighbours thought but scream I did - and I would sometimes see him 3 times a week - and screamed my way through the sessions

And how peaceful it is to sit with my new psychologist who is so peaceful - I am at a different place in my life now

Okay - about Trump - he has caused so much sorrow - and he will cause more - I just felt $#&+#$ angry and disappointed - Americans want change but change for change's sake - so many of them are so gullible - your tears and my anger and disappointment were not wasted -

We see therapists for help - but as I read through this thread I thought about this - they know more about psychology than most of us - but what do they think about and what are they watching and listening for? Actually - it doesn't matter that much - when they ask a challenging question the answer we might give them might not matter - it's what we think about.

Your life is an inconsistent struggle - a puzzle you can never figure out - it seems to me that the rules change - such a cruel trick - and it's true I have been through the mill and come out the other side - still fragile though - still hurt - still get het up - and maybe I found a path - if there's one path the chances are good there are more - every path is different - or even if we find the same path it will look different

The idea is to keep going - with stops on the way to re-group. We all start from a different place - we are all going to a different place -

We just seem to be wandering along here together right now - and to be honest - I think it's an honour to be with you and many others on the part of the journey.

Dec

@Former-Member

My grandma went back to uni at 73yo to learn to cut the gemstones she had been collecting during field trips into brooches and things .... it's never too late to learn something new.

You have skills and abilities. Raising four children would seem beyond accomplishing to many, many people ..... I know so many who would not venture past two ..... you need to give yourself credit for that .... ours is probably the first generation where it's suddenly "not enough" to be a home-maker and raiser of children ..... whoa !! That is actually HUGE .... and I think most of us have a tussle with this one .... there is a sense of guilt for not feeling present enough with the kids, or letting ourselves down in terms of self-fulfilment or purpose beyond the home and hearth .... you are far from alone in that one ... it brings power-women in business suits to tears ....

The same sort of feelings of having to get back up onto the starter's block strikes many empty-nesters who need to re-enter the workforce, only to find that that'if former qualifications are long out of date in many current workplaces (not all .... and life experience counts an awful lot ....) so perhaps you are not as far behind in that quarter as you imagine.

Many, many people go through the paces of life without feeling that sense of connectivity, but never think to question it .... perhaps that is what you were doing and it seemed okay until something turned you topsy-turvy .... but it is recoverable .... despite your previous therapist reaching her limitations which your current therapist has surpassed, I might add ....

Can you consider part-time charity work with your phams worker ? Maybe giving into the community will provide you a new experience that gives you a sense of self-worth beyond anything you have experienced before .... making a difference in the lives of others .... which in fact you are already achieving here .... ?

Sorry it's an essay ..... so much I want to tell you .... along with the biggest hug ..... ❣

I'm amazed by you @Former-Member , and I can't believe you don't see all the qualities I see in you from just your posts on this forum.

I struggle too, I think many of us do. I'm not sure were that A to B concept came from but for me it feels like its always been there. I'm not sure if the focus should be on the destination but the journey we are all on. I think it really frustrates me no end though. I feel like I am not good enough, I am not worthy, I don't trust myself, No one likes me - I think those are the main ones for me.

What did you do when you finished school ?

I'm not sure if you can ask your therapist about doing an ACT program- or where they run groups in your area. I think you might benefit from it.

Btw @Former-Member .... I think it is natural for our inner children to cry when their presence and feelings are acknowledged .... and if they have been bottled for a long time, the tears are likely to last for quite some time too .... but they will taper off as well.

❤️🌷💕

Thanks for your thoughtful response @Decadian. I think that a psychologists job if they do it well is to help you work out what needs to be changed and help you action that change. Interesting for me to write that then. I'm so glad that your new psychologist is working out. I feel like it's an honour to be on your journey too. It helps to see the paths we all take and our hurdles along the way.

Yes I'm getting closer to part time charity work @Faith-and-Hope. I've thought about it recently. I think when my TAFE subject finishes in three weeks I might try. It is a goal with my phams worker but I'm also scared as there is so much to do. I've fallen into a hole right now with tidying up everything with my ex. I need to build up to it again.

@Former-Member My last job was a junior primary teacher back in 1994. 22 years is a large hole to have in ones resume. It's fair to say I'm pretty petrified about going back into the workforce but I do want to do it. It appears we have similar fears. I see all the fantastic things you are doing and think you are doing so amazingly well. I hope your brain finds some peace with everything soon.

Im not sure if you read where I posted it before @Faith-and-Hope but my psychologist had to stop seeing me when I SH quite substantially twice in a few weeks directly following our appointments and the last time on her premises. The mental health team then decided it was a safety risk for me to keep seeing her and she cut all contact on the spot. And thanks for the hug. I think I need them right now.

💜🤗