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I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.
❤@Teej..I hope today is a little lighter on those thoughts.. Is there a small goal you can hold onto to achieve until the moment, feelings pass? Just a simple one...giving your brain & body time to breathe through the discomfort.
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
@Former-Member. Sending you my love and thinking of you. ♥♥
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
💜@Former-Member
Please check in with us .... how are you doing ?
I had D3 plus iPad trouble last night, and dozed off early, exhausted .... something is catching up on me .... still tired this morning, but there is a cold doing the rounds within the wider family ....
Thinking of you and hope today is looking better ...
💐💕
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Still here @Faith-and-Hope, @utopia, @Former-Member, @Former-Member Will probably stay low today. So sorry @Faith-and-Hope. It had been building but then after me getting really frustrated with my therapist last night I lost it. I didn't handle it in a healthy manner for the first time in ages and mixed up a cocktail of alcohol and pills. But I didn't push the limits. Just enough to switch off which I did. I only just woke up. Will be a slow day today. I don't want to be stuck in this cycle anymore. But I know I'm just like everyone else. We all have our ruts we are struggling to get out of. Some days it's just easier to hold on than others. I shouldn't have posted last night. There's not much dignity in this.
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Not at all @Former-Member, it actually takes courage to share how we really feel. A quiet day sounds nice 😊❤💐
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
There is dignity in it @Former-Member .... you said it yourself .... we are all struggling with major issues ..... and whether you can see it or not, last night you kept to a boundary .....
You have made immense progress, and you have to re-train your brain ..... stay on the path babe ..... so your foot slipped off .... you owned up to it ..... get that foot back in the path and get going again ..... just like the rest of us .....
Gonna need you around when WH hits rock bottom and wakes up ..... have a sneaky suspicion he's got something similar goin' on under all his "socially acceptable" self-medication.
You realise that, do t you ? This ed is his dr-ug of choice ..... just numbing himself out big-time against something else and he's going have to learn how to move forward keeping to a boundary. How many times is his foot gonna slip ???
Keep your chin up and keep going. Write off the bad days but don't let them own you. Take any of us and put us in your shoes .... how would we be doing ? You don't k ow. We don't know. But your advice to me would be the same as mine is to you .....
Keep swimming !!
🐠🐠🐠❤💕
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
@Former-Member. Please take it easy today. Try not to dwell on yesterday - that day is over and gone. Sending you my support and hugs. Am here if you need. ♥♥
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi @Former-Member, there you are, big hug my friend. Don't go beating yourself up, ya still here, think we're gonna need each other to get through the 'silly season' Means a lot having someone to talk to who understands SI, especially you & @Appleblossom, you have both been so open about your experiences and I learn heaps reading how you rise from falling each time. Think its just our lot in life with MI, to manage it at best, each day, try level it out as much as possible... Avoid the cocktails (that's dangerous tetititary, avoid that one). Did resorted to heavy headache tab for emotional pain last week, know its potentially addictive habit so just a no go most days. Since I'm working on 'Self-Compassion' (and passing that onto you), I'm reminded how heavy toxins are not very kind to our liver & GI tract & thought processes. Maybe in the moment it works, and we need that sometimes but not long term. When I realised I had a tendency to dependency (alcoholic mum & all), I decided not to have alcohol in the house and restrict analgesia & barbiturates to never two days in a row. Although Barbs are out the window now since I made the connection with them and SI. Being on my own I need to keep my mind and mobility as intact as possible, it frightens me that there's nobody but God to watch my back and catch me if I fall. Well, must also have a fiercely independent side.
Oh dear, there I go talking about me again. Just wanna help boost you up Teej, were in this together now. Plz stay strong, you have it in you, I sense it 🙂
Anyway, glad you're planning a quiet day, self care. Just remembered its my 'Pamper Day' (eyebrows, nails, hair, save legs, soak feet etc), Maybe join nebin a foot soak, yes?
Holding you in the light Teej 🙂
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi, Just a heads up that I think I'll be a bit hit and miss at the moment. I am struggling again to be on the forum and can't seem to find much peace currently. On the good side I'm not having the huge emotional swing with suicidal thoughts but onto downside I'm struggling through a more depressive phase that is a little different than I've experienced before. Normally I have a couple of good days a week but for the past few weeks I've only had a few hours that I've been ok. I'm ok just need to work through it. Like so many on here it just gets so tiring to be constantly having to carry the heaviness. I am missing the breaks I was getting from it and now it's mixed in with a tear 😢 overload. Oh well that's the end of my whinge. Please know I may struggle to respond. I'm not really looking for help just now but more giving a heads up that I'm not ignoring anyone but just needing some down time. Take care all. I've read a little but not much and it seems like there are quite a few going through similar and I empathise with you. Hugs to all 💜🤗
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
PS I've managed not to self medicate since Sunday night so I guess that is not helping me short term but will in the long term.
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