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I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

NewDawnSenior Contributor10 Oct 2016, 3:29 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope

Its NewDawn here who is currently moderating. I havent edited or delected any posts (and you will be informed by email if this is case) so im not to sure whats happening there! it would be frustrating

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember10 Oct 2016, 4:04 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thank you, thank you, thank you 💐💜 @Appleblossom,

I didn't have a feeling vocab either until I worked with my last psychologist. I had a cheat sheet of emotion words I kept on my phone until I could put them with an emotion I was feeling. I spent a while learning and understanding them. I couldn't understand why I failed miserably on all the EQ tests too. I always thought I had loads of empathy which would equate to EQ but I was wrong. Anger to me is the scariest emotion. I have no antidote for it and presently struggle to ride that one. I avoid it at any cost and when faced with it I feel the need to get rid of it by SH.

I can't make plans for living as such and I still can't cope with thinking forward more than a day or SI comes in. I'm afraid I still can't believe me being here a good thing for my kids yet but I do have more hope than I've had before. I do try more strategies than I have before when the intensity isn't too high.

It helps me so much that you can relate to some of this. I know our circumstances and reasons why we developed this way are very different but I can connect so much with some of your experiences and thoughts and sometimes I need that not to feel so alone. Thank you for sharing so much of your life, I know I only know the tip of the iceberg but it has helped.

From what I read Im really glad you had a successful trip away. That was fabulous to hear. Take care💜🤗💐

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember10 Oct 2016, 4:05 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @NewDawn. It's officially a mystery then 🕵️‍♀️ Welcome too💜😊

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember10 Oct 2016, 4:11 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I'm still awake @Former-Member . But I will try again soon to see if I am able to sleep- I have not had any sleep yet. Have you had any sleep ??

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember10 Oct 2016, 4:14 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Not a wink @Former-Member. I was so tired too 😏 It will make my appointment so much harder. 😔 Have you much on tomorrow?

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember10 Oct 2016, 4:25 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I hope you get some sleep soon @Former-Member. I have no plans for tomorrow but I was hoping to get to the pool and gym. I also wanted to pull my bed apart tomorrow and to go out and buy a new bedroom suite. We are having council clean up this week and they come and collect rubbish from my area sometime this week if it is tomorrow I miss out but I am too worried.

What time is your appointment tomorrow?

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember10 Oct 2016, 4:50 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Sorry for late response @Former-Member. My appointment is at 10.30 am. I have to leave in 5 hours time. Oooh that's scary. Did you sell your car?

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

utopiaSenior Contributor10 Oct 2016, 6:34 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member @Appleblossom. I can relate to struggling with naming emotions. I could say I was sad, angry - but lacked the ability to really know what I was feeling.
My psychologist gave me lists wuth feelings /eemotions and then what the opposite emotions would be.
It was a huge help. I can recognise and name multiple emotions I feel now. But I still look at the list from time to time to learn new ones.
I'm sorry you ladies have had a rough night.
I hope you are now having a restful sleep.
All the best

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

utopiaSenior Contributor10 Oct 2016, 6:45 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member. Sounds like you are feeling a little out if control - especially with regards to your youngest. I felt like that before I went to hospital this year. It got to the point that it didn't matter what he'd say - I'd overreact.
I discovered this was to do with two things.
one - our communication had all but disappeared. During my depression, I lost that ability to talk with him.
two- the guilt I was holding in about being 'a sh*t' mum. All that negative self talk. I knew I was doing wrong but didn't know how to change my behavior at the time.
I dealt with the guilt issue while in hospital. Then I learnt and struggled at first - how to communicate with him again - with the help of my psychologist.
Not sure if this is a help. But I hope so.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor10 Oct 2016, 8:44 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @NewDawn ....

Beidget mentioned last night that another of my posts had disappeared from the thread she was on when she went to answer it .... we have wifi glitches sometimes, so that's what I will put it down to ....

🌷💜

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