I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Former-Member

I've just read your message and that is horrible what that nurse said to you, she will get hers one day. I hope you reporter her.

Thanks @utopia. I guess I've been feeling like a fraud lately. I don't have any specific triggers and I don't really know why I am so vulnerable at the moment which I guess has been making it harder because I can't say that I'm like this because of x that has happened. I guess there are lots of things circling in my head but they are mostly the usual stuff, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, shame etc. I think that perhaps my biggest real life stress is my relationship with my youngest. It is really rocky. Perhaps you just made me realise that this is causing my most extreme reactions even for small altercations between us. Sometimes it feels ok and sometimes it feels terrible. Thank you for responding. I think I'll be ok as long as I sit in my room but I now realise that as soon as I step foot out my door any little thing can set of a huge over reaction for me. A couple of hours ago I didn't think I could do this anymore but I guess something clicked to help me realise that I need to seek help for it and I may have to go beyond my therapist for it but I'll see how tomorrow goes. Anyway thanks again. I hope you sleep well tonight and have a good day tomorrow 💜😊🤗

I am around for a little while yet too @Former-Member ..... 💜💐

Please know that we all have screaming matches at times with our teens .... I don't know any parent who hasn't been caught banging their head against a wall at some stage, and it can be little things that send any of us into melt-downs ..... just checking in case you have the impression that the rest of us are tip-toeing through tulips most of the time with baby dragon issues, and you are not holding up like we do ..... we all go down at times and lick our wounds for a while .....

So .... you have those normal reactions and cycles to deal with too .... along with the extra struggles that come along with mi ..... but all of us are here because we have extra struggles .... and these can't actually be compared .... we have different strengths as well as our weaknesses ..... keep fostering @Former-Member .... and you will start to feel your strengths ..... even as you can feel the strength in others who have been there and are calling you forward @Former-Member @Kurra @Appleblossom ..... telling you to keep going .... they know the strengths you are developing even though you can't yet see them clearly in yourself ....

Trust .... hope .... journey forward ..... 💜💐

Walking with you no matter what state you are in .... and as @utopia says .... no matter what time of day or night. 😘 ...... ❤️💐

Hi again @Former-Member

You seem to be able write and express yourself really well. I think you are so brave to be able to put yourself out there like this and to be so open and honest.

I feel a lot like you to do too @Former-Member- so you are not alone on that front. I am just to thinking of ways I can help you or anything that mite be of some help to you. I am too scared to say the wrong thing to you. I think its great that you have recognize what has triggered this even though you said there is no triggers but there probably is some underlying issue, you said it was to do with your relationship with your youngest son. I think for me I have had to learn to step back, and it mite help to have a delayed response time, and that way it may prevent you from overreacting to situations. I know easier said then done.

I do think you have came a long way since I meet you and I don't think you give yourself enough credit for what you actually do. Have you ever read the book by Pia Mellody facing codependency- it mite be worthwhile checking this out. You could talk to your therapist about different strategies for you to manage your emotions. I know you talk emotional regulation and such. I think its important that you find better ways to communicate, and it will be better for you, and I think it will help make you feel better about yourself. I think you should look at doing some voluteering work or finding some paid work - I think you have too much time on your hands to think too much. I hope this helps a little.

I think the problem is I don't scream anymore @Faith-and-Hope i whimper away and hide and then can't control myself and I don't trust myself. The intensity of the anger scares me. I don't even know what's normal and what's not any more. I'm sorry I guess I don't know which way is up right now. I am very very confused. I am crying a lot which is not me. Anyway enough whinging. How did your day go?

Thanks @Former-Member. I was looking at volunteering again with my phams worker but I worry because I'm so unpredictable and unreliable. I do realise I've got too much time on my hands. I will look into that book too. Cheers for that. Please don't worry about saying the wrong thing. To date there has only been a couple of things that have upset me on here and both have been resolved without drama.

I know there is something wrong too as it is taking me soooooo long to reply to anything on here. I am struggling with responses a bit. It feels like it is taking me forever.

Thanks for your response 💜😊🤗

PS @Former-Member. I don't see me as brave but I just hope it helps others. I guess I have learned so much from others that have posted vulnerable things about themselves. I have respected that and I guess don't want to shy away from some stuff. I still have things I keep close to my chest though, that I can't spill anymore on here so I'm not that brave.

@Former-Member

🌷💜 Hidden pain was recently described on one of the threads as being like an abscess ..... and I am guessing that these tears are a release of emotional pain .... please don't be afraid of them. And the anger .... I have felt that inner rage at times, seemingly out of proportion to an event or incident .... but my head knows something of what my heart feels about suffering injustice ..... and what that does to our spirit ..... these are the wounds of abuse and suffering, and they are hidden deep because they can only be processed with time, and in increments ..... the body is wise to wrap them up and measure out their release .....

Some of what your body and mind need to process may bypass your intellect .... and just happen at an organic level ..... and that is probably the kindest way .... be patient and accepting of your physical responses if you can .... I think you will find they are aiding you whereas you have been perceiving them as a threat .... as if without being attached to reasoning they are something to fear .....

You have reason to be angry, so expect rage to emerge ..... you have reason to hurt, so expect tears to emerge .... you have reason to feel confused, so expect to be tired and overwhelmed .... and plan for the moment to "lose" days to this process .... even as kidney patients on dialysis "lose" days to their recovery process ....

Does that help ? I hope so .... I allow myself times when I am out driving in my car to just cry .... it is less likely that I will become very emotional in the presence of other people, and unexpectedly, if I am allowing my body it's releases of distress, emotional pain, frustration, sense of injustice, etc .....

My day was good, as was yesterday evening .... while I have been at the centre of wedding stuff and the D3 saga for some time, these were moments and events where I was not on centre stage, could dress comfortably to suit myself, and didn't have to cook for anyone ❣

The movie we watched this evening was a tear-jerker too ..... The Man Who Knew Infinity .... and even this sort of emotional expression by proxy helps to lance my own abscess ....

The fact that I fell asleep late afternoon at the drop of a hat tells me I am running a sleep-debt at the moment. Sometimes it's enough to just be .... breathe .... experience what is happening in the moment .... and give all the thinking a rest ..... it has been a day like that for me ..... 😏💜💐

I understand how you think you would be unreliable etc @Former-Member. I think you should try to take the leap of faith a bit- I'm not sure if that would help. Most volunteer roles have some flexibility in them too or you could volunteer for special events to start with. I did this with lifeline (clothing and book sales). This even happens a few times a year on the coast so I started doing some volunteering like this.

I kinda held back for a while not doing anything but kinda had to push myself a little bit. Just know we are here beside pushing you forward. In future I will not worrying about saying the wrong thing, I really shouldn't have said that because my intention just to give you some advice in which I though mite help you.

I'm not tired at all @Former-Member. I think I mite go get something to eat and drink and then I might come back online for a bit and then try to get some sleep.

Hi @Former-Member .... I wasn't meaning to ignore you .... I have been reading your posts and congratulations on your new nephew ❣ Babies are so special ....

❤️

Oh @Faith-and-Hope is that your very kind way of telling me to stop intellectualising everything?😘 You wouldn't be the first to tell me that. I guess maybe I needed to hear it again. My last psychologist was determined to get me to feel things and ride the wave and stop intellectualising everything. As you probably read that didnt work out so well 😔 and it was my fault. I was surprised and didn't understand what it was at first but it has come up a bit since from others. You are very wise.

I have realised recently that I have tried to cocoon myself from feeling anything, this year especially. I think it's backfired now as I am not coping with emotions much and I do think I need to expose myself to them again. I have cut out of my life everything but family and a few friends and even them I distance myself from. I spend too much time again fantasising about SI and I know I shouldn't but it's like my default.

Im glad things went well this weekend. You do need to take the moments of joy and peace at the moment and I'm glad you are. Thanks again for being here 💜😊💐💐