I am struggling at the moment

HThanks @utopia for your bright sparkly good morning, it was nice to wake up to. Thanks for your last post last night. I read it between nodding off. I would be feeling impatient to about seeing him too. I'm so glad you feel secure about it all now. It's lovely to have you back. I hope you're feeling ok at the moment. I feel much more stable today but drained. It's been a long week of having lots of negative thoughts which I was combatting until Thursday night when I went under and just kept spiralling out of control. I'm still in bed and going to try to pull myself together but by bit. I feel a bit like I've been hit by a truck but I hope it will get better. I'm a bit scared about seeing my therapist on Monday because I was right off on Friday and I know she was frustrated with me. She has the patience of a saint but even saints have a cracking point.

I hope your day goes well and the weather is nice where you are. Take care, thinking if ya💜😊🤗

Hi @Faith-and-Hope sorry I've been getting distracted and not got back to you. Yes I had iPad crash last night before I saw your post. I'm really happy for you that you had a good night💜😊.

I understand that D3 is just an intense waiting game.

I have had a feeling for a long time that it would be hard for you to see D1 leave home. I know how much support she is and that she'll not be far but it will change your dynamics. I know you will survive it well but it is a big milestone for you. My S1 leaving did that too. It's meant my S4 has had a chance to try and find himself but he has struggled not having him here too. S2 leaving didn't have the same impact even though he left first (well s3 left first) . It's my S1 that holds my family together a fair bit.

Im expecting you'll be flat out over the next bit and I'm sending you strength knowing it's going to be tough and lots of emotions will be tested over the coming time. I suspect you'll all work your way through it easily though.

Thanks so much for your support as always. It means so much to me. I still can't find the support I need in real life to help deal with my crisis times (although my therapist does in business hours) but I'm so grateful I've got it here. I struggle to get the support I need from crisis lines. They refer me to the CAT team and until a couple of months ago I was banned from calling the CAT team as I self harmed on them too many times so I've been between a rock and a hard place out of business hours. I am scared to call them now because I know i have a black mark next to my name. I know that there are a few that would make it worse again. I've struggled to admit this before.

Anyway I think it's time to retire this thread until .........the next time:face_with_rolling_eyes:😔

take good care of you @Faith-and-Hope💜😊🤗💐

@Former-Member It is really difficult. Since my therapist has gone in to bat for me it has been much better and I feel that they are more likely to help now if I speak to the right people. They didn't understand me at all until my therapist got on board. My last psychologist did help but it was out of her control a bit. Did you have similar experiences? I think it really depends on the person too. At A&E at the local hospital there is one triage mental health nurse who is lovely and helps calm me, there is one other who could send me right off to walk out the door and SH so I think sometimes it's just a personality thing too. I will admit though i was right out of control for a while which didn't help. Had to be strip searched for a while every time I went in but that was largely my fault. That has all stopped now thankfully. But sometimes I still need to be there. It is safer for me and I turn around fairly quickly if I go in before I SH. Maybe I'm getting past this too. It is really sad that our system doesn't care for SH or BPD well. Anyway thanks, it's always good to know I'm not the only one with this stuff. I'm having a strange day but I'm ok. Can't really get out of bed yet. Best if I get the basics done soon. Haven't washed my hair for 10 days:face_with_rolling_eyes:😏. Need a shower and oops you just reminded me best if take my meds. Catch ya later 💜😊🤗

Unbelievable ..... so sorry you encountered that @Former-Member ...... speechless ..... 😥

So, so glad you rose above it ....❣

Hi @Former-Member 💐

Back home from lunch and ready to do pyjama-time from now. Going for a wander around the threads to see what everybody is up to. Think there's a Happy Hour on in the Beer Garden.

❤️❤️

Hi @Former-Member. I'm so sorry a nurse said that to you. I can understand how devastating that would be when you are at rock bottom. One once leaned in and said to me I didn't deserve to have kids and the authorities should take them away. My GP once said to me 'p*ss or get of the pot’ meaning do it or stop thinking about it. He would be mortified to know I used that as motivation a few times in various attempts. He said it out of frustration, he was really good to me and was there for me in the early days so much. Talk later @Former-Member💜🤗

Hi all,

Im not really sure how to write this but I guess I'll just dive in and make a mess like I usually do. Tonight I went down in a screaming heap again. I was too ashamed to post and didn't want to be a burden on here. For some reason I guess I thought I had to have time limitations on how long I could go under for. I was holding my own just until something sent me out of control. I was feeling like a complete failure that I shouldn't crash so easily so soon. I am feeling massively vulnerable and I guess tonight I've come to realise that I'm going through a difficult phase. This is my way of saying I'm so sorry if I miss posts or aren't there for everyone when needed because I'm very unpredictable at the moment and my emotions are getting out of control very easily. One minute I'll be fine and the next I'm feeling suicidal and then I could be fine again. Tonight I had a fight with my son that had me shaking and rocking and crying and wanting to run away and SH so much. It wasn't a big fight, it was just me not coping and my emotions out of control. Yesterday I wanted to die because the ladder had fallen on my plant and snapped the branches. This is all insane and I've not been in this place for a while. Part of this confession is because I realised that even I put limits on my MI and was afraid of the stigma of admitting my realities. Im sorry for this very rambling post. I want to thank all my guardian angels on here again too. You all help to ground me💜💜💜🤗🤗🤗💐💐💐

PS thanks to @Former-Member who helped me get to writing this and get through tonight 💜🤗💐

yep that's an insane post but I'm too tired to edit it so you have it raw😏