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I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.
I wrote a longer post but somehow authentication failed. Prob cos I was interrupted by student .flat out ... gotta go to choir now.
Talk later
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
rosesSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
It's been 5 years nearly since I joined this site and I only made one comment then. I was struggling and yes a lot of the time I do feel numb. I describe it to myself as living in automatic pilot. Last summer I ended up in hospital for a month, but once I got back home I felt like I was getting back to my old self. While the Covid lockdown was stressful it did end up making me rest and not overdo things. I have been reading some of the posts and replies. It does help to hear other people's stories. I used to feel like not a lot of other people had been through traumatic lives but I realise that that's wrong, so I send my love and encouragement to all who have led difficult lives❤️😊🌺
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Shaz51Senior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Sending you lots of hugs and sitting with you my friend xxx @roses
Hello and hugs @Appleblossom , @Teej , @Faith-and-Hope , @Snowie
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Forest_FairySenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi @roses
Welcome back to the SANE forums, we are glad you have made your way back!
Hoping you find the forums useful and supportive like so many others do.
Please look around at some of the different threads and as you feel comfortable to do so reach out to others for support and advice as that is what we are all here for 🙂
Take care,
Forest_Fairy
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Shaz51Senior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hello @Forest_Fairy ❤☕
I will tag @roses to see your message above xx
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
💜💞🌷@Teej .... missing you Hon.
Hi from me too @roses👋
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi @roses . I'm glad you found your way back 💜. It does bring a sense of connection to know that lots of people experience some similar things. It has been through here that I learned so much about life and that I was not alone. My experiences may not be the exactly same as others but comfort and support with the feelings and thoughts that bought me to the SANE forum is life saving (often literally in the past).
im so sorry @Sans911 , for not getting back here to respond earlier. I've had it on my to do list everyday but couldn't find the words to reply here. I wanted you to know that there were some things that really struck a cord with me from that night and for the last week. I haven't completely formed words or thoughts but it has to do with your comments about who I was hurting by sh. I've had lots of confused and conflicted thoughts and feelings about it all, but I think it has been really helpful to have tried to work through some of it. Last Friday I sent a letter to my psych with some of my thoughts. I will find out on Wednesday how the letter was received. I just wanted to thank you for being here and helping get through a really tough night but also that you were a catalyst for some deep reflecting. I'm not through it all yet but I'm much more aware of how things are impacting me, which brings some calmer waters too.
leaving this ⬆️ here for @Faith-and-Hope , @Appleblossom , @Snowie as well. At some point I'd like to write some stuff on my recovery thread. Even though I'm not feeling the recovery part currently I know that I've made steps forward and backward and sideways (I think I've hopped, twisted and staggered too 😳). thanks all for being you 💜😘
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
@Teej ,,,,, 💞
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Aww @Teej you NEVER owe me a response nor must you feel obliged. But in the same sense, I'm pleased that what I've said was 'a catalyst for deep reflection'.
I guess I've moved on from my own sh in many ways by doing that same deep reflection. I realised that I was hurting myself the most, both physically & mentally. No one cared that much if I choose to sh. No one but me could stop me or change how I felt. And I was choosing to continue to be internally angry at myself, instead of being angry at those who I felt hurt by. It doesn't mean I hurt those who I felt hurt me. Because I am the one choosing to feel hurt. And it doesn't mean either everything is 'magically' fixed. I still feel urges to sh. This comes from either needing to punish myself, internalise my anger or shut down.
All my life I have stuffed down my feelings. I've shut down instead of saying how I feel. I've shut down to stop feeling at all. I've invalidated myself instead of telling people that they've invalidated me.
So now I'm determined to be more authentic & true to myself. It's something that's taking a very long time to practice, and many a time it's incredibly hard & uncomfortable. It's so very, very painful to sit & feel those hurt, icky feelings. Yet they eventually pass. If you consciously choose to let them go as well. It's also very liberating and empowering though to get through these challenges.
And people can't know how you feel, aren't motivated to change their own ways or even begin to understand how hurt you've felt unless you speak up and say so. Of course, that's also what I'm working on too. Communicating my hurt, feelings, etc in a meaningful, effective way.
And some final thoughts on recovery. Recovery isn't linear @Teej. It's twisted, sideways, up and down and around and back again :face_with_rolling_eyes::face_with_rolling_eyes:. It's a constant work in progress. Getting things so so one day, and f%#$king it up completely the next. But it's also saying 'I'm trying' and 'I'm doing the best I can at any given moment' but being human too.
I love who you are @Teej. You're raw, honest, vulnerable and an amazingly resilient woman. You've come a long way recently so give yourself some credit. 💜💜💜💜💜
@outlander@Snowie - some thoughts of mine you might find interesting or helpful 💜💜💜💜💜💜
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