I am struggling at the moment

@Teej 💜💜💜

Hi @Teej, sorry to hear things are so rough for you right now. I just wanted to check in to see how all of us here can best support you?

You are definitely deserving of getting support, please do reach out to these services if you need to talk:

Lifeline 13 11 14

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659467

beyondblue Support Service 1300 22 46 36

sitting with you @Teej

Can you take Dog for a walk @Teej , or water the garden by hand for a while ?

Thinking of the practicality of burning off some adrenaline.

Hey @Teej .

Hope I am not being a pain .... just concerned about you.

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope , @Shaz51 , @Appleblossom , @Former-Member

I have calmed a bit.

@Appleblossom i know it’s so hard to get past. I told my psych the other week that I can’t see a way my life will end other than by my own hand. That’s not meant to be alarming but it’s how I feel.

I think the need for purpose and not burden is really strong. Much of my very big shame just now is about burden and being naive and not in control of my past. I gave my life to someone else and together we made made some terrible financial decisions. Some I didn’t know and some I guess I didn’t want to know. My ex was a bank manager and I trusted him implicitly with money.... and everything, but I also should gave been more responsible and aware of things.

Now i sit being a burden to all around me and I don’t feel very deserving of the support I have. I can’t be the same person even for three days and change directions and goals and everything multiple times a week without ever finding the guts and perseverance to follow something. What if it’s not possible for me and I’ll always be this over emotional erratic person who is in a muddle. I hate it so much.

@Teej I am in that place of allowing “my other half” to manage all our major finances. It’s what he has always done, and do e well to date ..... and if he were a bank manager (which he is not) I would absolutely not see any reason not to trust that he knew what he was doing .

Can I just say, that for me, and many, many others, just because you were caught in a honey trap doesn’t make you responsible for that ...... the circumstances and hidden character of your ex’s mi were not foreseeable ..... any more than my guy’s would be if his hidden behaviours were kept in a work environment and his mother’s home, beyond my view.

And the finances are just as hidden from view, especially as they are dispersed, as was the nature of our previous business, and the same manner of working suits our current business.

We cant be everywhere, and everything to everyone ...... and at some point it becomes not our fault ..... as in not responsible. Trust means something, and seriously betrayed trust is not something to hold against ourselves.

Entire groups of people, and even nations have been seriously financially (and otherwise) betrayed.

You were here holding down some aspects of your joint life, and he, others ......please keep working at not beating yourself up for it.

If our situation doesn’t hold for a myriad of possible reasons, I will totally be in that place of needing ongoing support to learn life-skills in directions I just haven’t .......

I don’t mean to make this about me ..... it’s just that I can see so much of the nuts and bolts of my life issues in yours, without the betrayal you suffered.

😔💜🌷

I don’t know how to live with the guilt and shame of it all @Faith-and-Hope . I didnt read it as about you @Faith-and-Hope . I read the messages you were sending and although there is some validity I am trying to find a way to live with the bits I feel responsible for.

I am also trying to see a way forward where where I don’t have to be a burden and it’s getting harder to see. Maybe there is just lots on my mind now and it all comes back to this stuff. I have my full fear on for Easter too. There is lots of things bubbling away.

I get that so much @Teej ..... with variations of course ..... because it might yet be my future reality.

You are not a burden to your family perhaps in the way you imagine though. You are entitled to half of your former possessions .... you contributed to and thereby earned them, and your family will (likely) believe and want that for you. Part of what your brother is trying to do is reinstate your assets .... you don’t need me to tell you that obviously, but it is a living thing to do for you. Your feelings are, I imagine, converting that into “burden” ..... but it’s okay to be interdependent where relationships can support that.

And it takes time and self-confidence to become comfortable with that. Your counsellor is trying to help you develop some self-empathy, it seems to me.

Does that sound right to you ?