I am struggling at the moment

Sleep well @Teej 👋❤

Hey @Teej. I woke up at ridiculous o'clock with a big jolt and a 'must-do-all-the-things' surge of energy. It's so annoying but I've enjoyed not having it as often for the last little while. Instead of getting up and trying (probably with little success) to do all the things, I decided to stay in bed. I found my mind wandering around memories of my ex and times I had cared about him even though he had done some terrible things. I remembered a time when I'd had enough of his behaviour and had gone to see big scary people ready to act on it. It was a huge, huge thing for me. I got to the counter and decided not to for a few reasons and instead I found myself sitting with him later giving him another chance. Like we chatted about with my settlement, there was fear behind that, but there was also care for him. I thought it would seriously damage him and didn't want to do it to him. I despised what he'd done to me/us and his behaviour, but I had (arguably too much) empathy for him. My fix-it brain plays a strong game and I wanted, desperately, to find a way through it all that would be OK for all of us including him. At that point I had no want at all to ever be with him again so it wasn't that that kept me trying. It was purely that I cared about him. I felt very twisted over it. He probably didn't deserve what I had done for him and as it turns out it didn't make a remote difference (our big bang happened very shortly after his 'another chance' and it turned dangerous for the crew which I still struggle to forgive myself for at times), but something inside me wouldn't stop. It was messy and super hard. No-one seemed to understand so I felt like a freak, like you mentioned feeling. I wondered what was wrong with me if what I 'should' have been doing was seemingly so clear to everyone else. I was very torn. When you mentioned seeing him at the gate yesterday, the pang I felt in my chest was the pang of times I looked at him knowing what was likely to be coming for him that he was unaware of, and how much it was going to smash him. In a twisted way, it felt a bit like when I was looking at my kids being happy and OK knowing I was going to have to deliver news that would hit them hard. It's a very strange feeling and one that for me completely takes over my thinking brain.

While I don't know what it's like to go through what you are with your history, and I don't know exactly how you're feeling and what you're thinking, I do know how tricky it can get when you put an ex who has hurt you together with empathy, some tendencies towards self-sacrifice (which I think to a great extent we learn and are conditioned to do), and a whole lot of opinions on what you should do and how. It's a recipe for wonky and twisted. I wanted to share that story with you to hopefully to add to some sitting with you-ness. You're not alone, you're not a freak, and you're not doing anything wrong in finding this hard.

Now I've written my novel (two actually after another novel on a thread somewhere else 😉) I'm again on a self-imposed forum ban for the day. I'm heading back to the away from home home to drop off a Big, pick up some fluff balls and bring them home, then spend a night on my own. I have some house jobs I want to do this morning so I'm free to do whatever I want to do with my evening.

I hope things are OK enough for you today. Heaps of ❤ and some 🌹💐🌸

My self-imposed forum ban got lifted when a hash brown possibly saved us from a serious car accident today (legit) @Teej. I'm chilling for the rest of the day now 🙂

All of that above is really good to hear. Not really good that it happens but good maybe to hear you hopefully can be a little more OK with the human-ness of it all. Totally human things to feel and do ❤

Hope the doing things goes well for you today 🤞