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I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.
Good job with your forum ban and getting lots achieved in the garden too @CheerBear👍🏻😘💜
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
I will go and check outside in a moment @Teej (re the flowers).
Huge hugs. I felt a pang in my chest reading about you seeing your house then a double pang hearing that you saw your ex 🙁 I get how tricky it can be to feel feelings that others say you don't need. The feelings are enough on their own and I don't think it helps much to feel (or hear) that you don't need them (though I get that saying that is usually meant with love and care too).
Sorry for your crappy day 🙁
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Sorry stuck for words a bit.
my ex looks unrecognisable.
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
SnowieSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
@Teejyou are not alone
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Thanks @Snowie💜🤗
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Kalanchoe @Teej. No chance of staying alive here but I'll try.
Stuck for words is OK and understandable. Try and be gentle with you. There's so much going on and it's not a surprise it's tricky 🙁❤
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
I have one of those @CheerBear . I’ve struggled to get it flowering like when I bought it but it’s still alive 3 years on 😊.
Heres the thing that sucks. I know he did things that changed my life forever. I know he hasn’t owned it in a way I respect. I know my brother has been kind to my ex for nearly two years now trying to work out how to settle amicably and on good terms. The last 6 months though my ex has played us and then not responded to anything. But I can’t change the feeling that I’m not being honest and betraying him because he is going to get hit with a letter from the lawyer and freak out. I know I don’t want a friendship with him but I don’t want to be enemies either. I still care for him in a strange way which I know is crazy.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
this was mine last year @CheerBear
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
None of that is crazy @Teej. It sounds like a head vs heart war, when you know something but feel something else. They really suck. They make so much sense but no sense at all and they feel very jumbled up 🙁
Wish there was something to say that could make it better. Sitting with you, with lots of others who care too.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
That colour is amazing @Teej! We (Big and I) picked up two - a pink and an orange. The flowers are beautiful 🙂
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