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I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Sans911Senior Contributor12 Apr 2019, 10:40 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hearing you @Teej. I know it sucks. I know it hits you like a sucker punch. Just hold on minute by minute.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor13 Apr 2019, 8:12 am AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Leaving these here for you this morning @Teej ....

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor13 Apr 2019, 8:46 am AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Adding to the drop off 'with you" feels @Teej

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor13 Apr 2019, 9:28 am AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @CheerBear , @Faith-and-Hope , @Sans911 , @Shaz51 , @Ali11

I flipped last night again. I have actually had a few nights in the last fortnight that I’ve has si but had to hold on for birthday season. Last night none of that was important anymore and kids away and my brain went into overdrive thinking I could play Russian roulette. There are lots of things that are piling up in my brain, some you all know and some you don’t. It lead to rage at myself and hopelessness.

Today i have things to do. The urges have passed for now. I’m going to watch my boys play footy with my mum. Hopefully soon will head to farmers market.

Thank you all again. 💜🤗

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor13 Apr 2019, 9:34 am AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hugs @Teej

I hope your boys win.

Still jealous of your farmers markets .... have to find ours when the kids are here.

💜💐

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor13 Apr 2019, 10:44 am AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Lots of ❤ @Teej. I'm glad for you that the urges have passed for now.

Hope the farmers market and footy feels OK or better for you today.

I'm sitting in our garden about 5 minutes off putting myself on a self-imposed forum ban until I get through a list as long as my arm of house inspection cleaning and gardening. I have to get to Bunnings as my shovel died and think I'll look at some bulbs maybe for a treat for getting through an inspection on school holidays. Still need to replace some lost potted pretties too. Something (spring bulbs) to keep thinking about for you for a getting-through-tough-stuff reward? ❤💐🌸⚘🌷🌼

Hope there's some good in your day 💗

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Ali11Senior Contributor13 Apr 2019, 12:32 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

So glad to hear that the urges have passed @Teej. Hope you have a great day watching footy and going to the farmer's markets.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Shaz51Senior Contributor13 Apr 2019, 12:36 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

lots of hugs @Teej

and I have my fingers and toes crossed that your boys will win xxx

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor13 Apr 2019, 7:47 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Wondering how your day ended up @Teej?

I've lifted my forum ban after a long day working my butt off in the garden. Thought I'd introduce you to one of the new pretties

🙂😊🌼

I hope it's been OK or better for you today ❤

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor13 Apr 2019, 8:53 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

What are the flowers @CheerBear ?

My day wasnt that great. I tried hard but got caught up on some things. I drove past my old house. I wanted to see my trees I planted. It was pretty overgrown and couldn’t see much. As we were driving past my ex was at the gate. I panicked and waved but couldn’t let go of the big feelings of seeing my house and knowing what is coming next for my ex. A huge pang of guilt came over me. I spent both psych sessions this week trying to deal with this guilt and feeling like I’m betraying him. I have had it explained to me by everyone exactly the same way and logically I know it makes sense but my soul can’t find a place to sit with all this. The concept of someone being hurt by me is something that still is in overdrive. I don’t know what to do with all the big feelings. I know people can tell me over and over that I don’t need to feel this way and logically I know they are right but the feeling still trumps everything.

I had drama with kid stuff (gf) that messed with my head too and I’ve been hiding in bed since I got home. Have taken meds for the second night straight because I don’t want to keep winding.

Sorry this is crappy :pile_of_poo:. Just feeling a little overwhelmed and kind of alone. I know I’m not alone but these feelings are so different to everyone else’s and I feel like a freak.

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