I am struggling at the moment

Great that you feel that way @TAB about your mum ... it was kind of opposite with me .. my mother was not able to be a good mum and I did my best to be a good daughter ... no regrets ... in the things I actually did have control over.

I mentioned preparing for death ... as sometimes it lasts for a while ... and it helps to be fortofied .. not always by wine though lol ... I am hoping you work out a way to link in with your folk .. but no so that you need to feel compromised.

Where are you hailing from tonight? Still on the Yorke peninsular?

So many different stories .... 🌷💜

I lost my mother 15 years ago this month .... rare illness .... it blindsided me ....

Our life journey meant boarding school for me, and siblings, at 12yo, so I only had my childhood with her, then teen years by remote - home for school holidays - but by then you're not really a child any more .... you have to stand on your own feet so much you're really a baby adult ....😔

Out on my own after High School cos there was nothing to go back to in the mining towns .... kids my age were getting wrecked there .... so it was off to uni in the big smoke, but couldn't settle .... changed courses, still unsettled .... but then met WH ....💗💕

We married young, worked hard, but our industry stalled him up most hours in the day, so another relationship by remote, sort of .... but we were a good team anyway .... five kids .... something was working .... 😏

In his "work absence" all the in-law dynamics were running amok ... MIL clearly war-damaged and passive-aggressive dragon-in-law .... FIL foot-loose, disengaged, war-damaged too ....

My mother was my stability, still by remote most of the time, but a kindred spirit, big-sister-like, wise and patient 🌷💜

We eventually took our kids and went overseas for a stint - it gave WH clarity with his relationships and strengthened us, bonded us with the kids as an independent unit, but in the middle of it we lost my mum .... the illness had crept up, not announcing itself, just taking her down on the sly .....

The gift in it was this .... if we hadn't been travelling overseas, it wouldn't have been the summer holiday break .... I wouldn't have been able to be with her .... but it was, and I was .... we flew back and I got to spend the last two months with her everyday .... she never came out of hospital .... and it was undiagnosed to the end .... so we thought she would recover until it was clear she was fading ...😪

She had taught me so much .... miss her so much even now ... but she saw me through the worst of it till this latest thing landed .... but her example is carrying me forward anyway .... you can only do what you can do .... 🌷💜

Seemed so unfair .... felt gutted at the time ... lost the angel but the dragon lived on .... and in-laws were saying I had abandoned her .... just to rub some salt into the wounds .... what can you do ? ... just showed up more of their true colours .... :face_with_rolling_eyes:

Treasure the good memories .... stay true to the bond if their was one .... accept that they were unable if there wasn't one .... live ... love ... laugh ... give to others ..... dance on ... or at least walk on .... 🐚💕💐 .... there are others to make a difference along your path ....

Have met some beautiful people here .... ❣

Hi @Appleblossom

Glad you like the idea of the libation and sacrifice of terminally intoxicated insects - it may help with your ghosts - I have often thought about that glass of wine on the shelf - it was a little shrine for a couple of weeks - when Dad had gone and all my electrical stuff went on the blink - and it was Dad who taught me about electricity - he was there in the unit with me - I never have to go far to find him - he is in my DNA and it's good that he is - really good

I understand the snub of your mother choosing the younger sister to attend to her affairs - her choice - if things go wrong your sister has to wear it - and my TS definitely wears the craps - but she is a shallow person - and two-dimensional - I doubt whether she feels much at all with any reality -

So TS is my Toxic Sister - that's her name in here now - and how wonderful to let them do the hard yards - you did right to choose your son and yourself with your authentic needs. I did the same - my son might have been screwed up and a pain to others - and to be honest - me too - but his needs were authentic

That's what I call dealing with the priorities - the mess at the top of the pile is not all the world's worst issues - it's what's underneath that really eats us up - uh ha - uh ha

And Tab - it is never the way we think it will be when those we love "pass" - I do not like euphanisms much - they die - and the old have lived longer lives and prepared for their own end or not depending on the person - my father did prepare - my mother did not - and my son was in a hurry

But seeing our parents off is to be expected - not our children - that is an entirely different issue - I think I will live around that for the rest of my life - which can't possibly be as long as I have grieved already -

If I look back over my life-time I have lost many people who have been close in different ways - and their deaths have affected my differently - there's a whole story there for many people - but I don't need to tell their stories - I have enough of my own

And @Appleblossom - my dd is my NOK too - she has been for a long time

All the best for the sunny but windy and mild day in Melbourne - everyone who is in Melbourne - it would be great to go to the beach - but too windy

Decadian

Ah @Faith-and-Hope - people's stories can be so different yet have such vital similar components

That expression - Baby Adult - love that - losing your mother like that would bring out the Dragons and leave the Angel too - and people so love to rub in the salt

TS loves to rub in the salt - always catches me out because my mind doesn't work that way - I don't have the need to undermine other people - sigh - I am sorry you had in-laws dealing in salt-rubbing - not required at all - and not at all therapeutic as original salt rubbing was intended to be at the time

Also - your expression "war-ddamaged" - since Vietnam we have learned more and know more about PTSD - but I believe my mother was war-damaged too - and her mother lived with us and I heard her bad-mouth my grandfather - but I got my grandfather's war records from the Australian War Memorial - and what I had heard all my childhood was not all true - this guy was not a monster - he was a pretty ordinary Joe Blow - and to think my mother heard all the bad-mouthing about her father all her life - or rather - until her mother died - and I heard that myself- I know it happened - so yes - thank you - now I see my mother as not only soul-injured but also war-damaged - and this is not a good thing at all

Yet it is true of so many people - different war - true - but all the stories have the same grain of truth

But what do we do with what we have?

As you suggest - Live - Laugh - Love - Dance - celebrate life in whatever way we can for as long as we can - this moment is all that we have after all -

Honour the truth, examine our beliefs, hold fast to our strength and own our weaknesses

They say life was not meant to be easy but honestly - I think it was - but a woman is recorded as eating the fruit she was told not to - and thinking about it - I would have most likely have done the same thing

So we have these stories we are sharing now

I think the people here are pretty wonderful too

And @TAB - I am female but I was certainly not the daughter my mother wanted - but as for my father - I was the son he expected - pity I was a girl - but he liked that too - and we can't be all our parents want us to be - we have to be ourselves

And if our parents don't like this - ah - bad luck - we have to do our own authentic tasks in this life and this is the way it is

Decadian

Thank you @Decadian so we share that too ... being snubbed as executors ...

I got over it but I think I am now going to refer to that sis as TS ... it was the same one as I took for many holidays in my 20s @TAB

As dad was gone .. I was dad in many ways ... part of the half bloke thing ... probably unconscious bak then ... as mum projected things onto me that should have been with him ...

My taking the kids on hols ...didnt help though ... except for that when I look around at what others do ...

I know I did more than enough.

Double triple entendres ... never into chips .. made heaps of them before I bought any packets ... though I do remember hanging around with a homeless bunch and being totally surprised by a girls enthusiasm for them ... so I shared and "chipped" in ... and learned that great Aus tradition of butcher wrap on the floor and sitting and SHARING. I was 16 ... did not know what potato cakes or scallops were found out 20 years later ... that was a good memory of Aus kulcha ... the init together & mateship ... without the nasties.

it is sad when people get too bitter ... I am going for "merlot with pleasant vanilla" overtones ... lol ... probably just a cheap cask tho.

Back into the 1950s - the only time we saw the kids of the opposite religion - stand off in the fish n chip shop on Friday night - who could forget it? - all that yelling with people who later became best friends as it turned out

Ah yes - I rememeber the days - also - my bro and I would take our old newspaper to the fish and chip shop as part of our recycing enterprise - butchers' paper - that was too refined for the 50s

However - the is a lot of difference between chips and crisps - and then there are potato cakes - scallops - I have a story - Dad taking us down to Mornington go get half a bucket of scallops - they would be clicking unnervingly - and then knocking them open which gave us a small bowl of scallops - with Dad cutting off the orange bit with my bro and I objecting loudly - and the bucket of shells over-flowed

Does life change much in this many years - well yes - the paper is clean now - for sure - no ink in the wrapping - we know what grease does to our innards and yet it is still so great to eat

Never want to get into bitterness - there is already too many people being bitter - I grew up with the air thick with it - somehow I am not - but it goes down the generations

Enjoy your "Merlot with vanilla overtones" this is Friday night after all - I hope you have Saturdays to yourself @Appleblossom - or at least part of it

Thinking of you

Decadian

Thanks for thinking of me @utopia. I have two sons and their two girlfriends home with me tonight. I am going to watch my third son play footy tomorrow which will take up much of the day. It sounds lovely to be looking after your friends 4 yr old. There's a day of mindfulness right there😀 Yep it's been freezing and rainy here today too. I hope tomorrow we get some sun back. It's good to hear your son is out busy socialising. I tried to suggest to my 16 yr old that they go to the movies, his girlfriend wanted to but he wasn't interested😬. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you to enjoy weather wise and that you have fun baby sitting. 💜😊 looking forward to seeing how your next psychology session goes this week too. Take care💜😊