I am struggling at the moment

@Faith-and-Hope Are you still around?

@LouLouMagoo are you still online? If not who is moderating now?

I just need to be accountable for a bit. @LouLouMagoo. I have taken some meds (ok amount) to sleep but need to not take anymore.

Sure thing, I am here.

Catch me via email if you need 🙂

Thanks. I just promised my son I’d stay safe tonight. Am holding my own but keep getting caught in my head about keeping on going with it. Will try to sleep. It sometimes helps if I know that someone else knows I’m a little on the edge. I should be ok.

💜🌹 @Teej .....

I’m here. Thank goodness for meds that take me out. I really really wanted to switch it all off last night in a permanent way. The urge to push all the boundaries was really high.

i think that I might had my son (who is 23) not come in and force me to talk. He climbed into bed with me and put his arm around me. I tried to push him away but he persisted. He told me how proud he’d been of me in recent weeks and could see how much I was trying, and how much we all thought this treatment might work. He told me how much hope we had all put into me doing this therapy.

We we talked about the events of 7 years ago in detail for the very first time. It helped that I had someone who remembered with nearly as much detail as I did. I didn’t share last night but out of the blue I received a text from my ex who wanted to share that he had a new dog that was similar to mine. It hit home how much he wouldn’t have had a clue about what the date was or how much damage he caused us all. I know my friends trauma has increased again lately but we can’t share it. We would cause complete destruction for each other.

My son talked to me about out how I was going to stay safe this weekend and how much he needed me to be safe. I promised him I would. It was the first time I had cried in front of him over this and let him in. His girlfriend was also supportive and took the dog for me. When I’m like this my dog increases everything 10 fold as I feel huge guilt that I am paralysed and can’t look after him like he needs. It was the first time I let anyone in irl whilst I was in huge crisis.

I have cried writing this this and I don’t know what happens from here. I am safe enough for now partly because I’m still groggy. My cc is meant to ring today and I think she’ll tip me over the edge. I know she thought she was getting rid of me off her case load and I can feel her frustration with me. I know all the staff involved in my cmh team had placed great hope on this therapy and all thought it was going ahead. Even my group staff had presumed it was going ahead. And the truth is I found out it was until an issue arose that has changed everything. It wasn’t about me in the end but the reason has caught us all off guard. I can’t write it just yet for reasons of confidentiality.

Its so hard when we get smashed to get back up. That’s my 'it’s all about me' novel for today.

@Teej