I am struggling at the moment

Hugs @Teej .... 💜🌹

That I am @Teej 🙂

I like you're thinking 😉 but either way it comes will be fine with me.

Take care of yourself and don't stop believing, I won't.

****** trigger warning heavy content ***********

I am a mess. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live either. I don’t want my kids to have the legacy of my suicide but more than that I don’t want them to have me as their burden. Everything seems impossible. Last week my kids were trying to work out a way we could save our family home. They want to renovate it to what it should be and bring back their happy memories of childhood. They want my ex gone from their home town so that peace for everyone will return too. I messed it all up. I worked out they could keep the house if I wasn’t alive. It could be theirs and I added that to the list of things that they would be better off without me.

7 years ago today I made him leave. But I kept seeing him and was so scared he would suicide. I decided to take him back to live with me some months later and broke so many peoples hearts in the process. 7 years ago my best friend detailed some things that happened to her, I was devastated. When I took him back it was like she had to keep reliving it. The hard part is that I loved them both so much. The irony is that I moved away after my attempt and she has to face him in a little town still. If I could give the house to the kids it would give back to her too. I took so much from her.

The therapy had become the beacon of hope that I could make amends somehow. She was excited that I might be able to move on from my internal prison. I feel like everything I do will hurt her and others. So many people get hurt by just being associated with me. I get so many things wrong. I only bring grief and pain to anyone who I get close to. I get intense and don’t trust myself and become paranoid. This was not the person my friends knew 7 years ago.

The police turned up before for a welfare check. Part of me wanted to scream out I don’t know if I can do this anymore, I don’t think I’m safe .....but then instead I wouldn’t open the screen door and assured them I was safe and sent them away. I don’t want anyone else to suffer because of me. I don’t want to hate myself so much anymore. I just want internal peace. I am very scared that no matter what I choose people will suffer.

I dont know how to live.

I am scared of responses. I am scared of no responses. I’m so incredibly insecure and unsure of how to wake up tomorrow and still be alive. I guess I just needed to put this in writing somewhere.

Hi @Teej. I am hearing how hard things are at the moment. I imagine it would have taken a lot of courage to share that post here. Hopefully it helped a bit to be able to write down what you are feeling. You have shown such resilience to keep pushing on even though it is so difficult to do so. We are sending you an email now to check in

I feel much the same @Teej its frightening not knowing if you're gonna make it through the night.

Welfare checks suck! I still havent fixed this front door properly after cops smashed in the gpass 5yrs ago. I was hiding in a cupboard and tbey didnt find me. Stupid BPD - not knowing how to ask for help... acting he opposite to how i feel. mixed messages... fuzzy feelings...

Can you get out the house? Change of scenery. Have a big fat creamy ice coffee or something. ? I love looking at the light on the water at nighy. Or, if its safer - put your fav 'feel good' movie on and sip home made vanilla thickshake

I'm really angry atm, current crap bumping into the damned up past crapcrap... = rage 😞 I want to ask for help here but instead I pushed itit away, badly (sorry @Shaz51, @ @Jupiter), its awful to suffer like this.

I might go now, squeeze some ice cubes and put my fav strong incense on. And sip a cuppa. I'll pretend you're with me xox

Maybe a long hot shower, half a bottle moisturizer all over and brush my hair too - it all might be soothing just before bed.... Call it a day.

I took up smoking again tonight, angry with myself really...

You be gentle with your inner child

@teej

Thanks for being here, helping me to see past myself

xox

Big listening hugs for you here too @Teej .... 💜💜💜

I would like to offer you a different perspective, but maybe you don’t want to hear it ...... or maybe you don’t want to hear it tonight ....

The perspective I have is not to try to fix it for you, it’s just viewing things through a different set of eyes, through smoky glass of course, because we can’t know the complete irl picture in our virtual world here, but enough, I would hope, to give you some hope ..... illuminate a path forward ......

Hugs n hugs n hugs n hugs, dear sweet forum-sista Teej

Hearing you and sending you big warm hug 🤗❤️❤️❤️ Pls take care @Teej

Thank you for your support @BlueBay, @Faith-and-Hope, @Former-Member, @Jupiter, @outlander.

Im out of words but wanted to thank you for your responses.

@BlueBay, @Former-Member, @outlander. I hope you find the strength to keep going too.

💜