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I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

outlanderSenior Contributor28 July 2018, 2:16 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Teej 💜 💙 💛 💚

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor28 July 2018, 3:27 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Agree with it being great to see you @Teej. Big hugs again and very sorry to hear how hard things were yesterday.

Growing cuttings sounds like a great idea. I reeeeeally need to re-pot some plants of mine soon. Maybe a little some time soon goal too.

I hope your hours are going OK today. I think I get the ripped off feelings there. That first big down/crash that comes after a good run and/or one that comes after a helpful break, can feel extra tough I think. Could it be a really bad day/patch where the wheels wobbled rather than a wheels coming totally off thing?

❤

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Sans911Senior Contributor28 July 2018, 5:58 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Teej

I understand your in a low spot right now, but never ever feel you can't post things in the thread I'm on. I've got no problems with you being there.

You don't know yet what the final outcome will be in mid August. It might just go your way yet. You're already telling yourself that you've not got a chance. Go gentle with yourself Teej 💜💙💜

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor28 July 2018, 6:05 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

What do you do when it goes over and over and the wanting to shut it off gets bigger and bigger @Sans911

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Sans911Senior Contributor28 July 2018, 6:22 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Teej

It's easy to shut down feelings right? You and I know how that works. I'm wanting that tonight too. Do you think you can sit it with me? It won't be easy, but facing these hard feelings and getting through is strength in itself. Are you with me?

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor28 July 2018, 7:02 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Not sure what to say @Sans911. I feel defeated 😕 I think. A while ago I was planning a big one. Just now I’m not so intent on being that destructive but I’m not through the night either. Everything feels like life or death again and I feel so selfish.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Sans911Senior Contributor28 July 2018, 7:17 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I understand @Teej

Sounds like lots of big, swirlng emotions going on for you right now. But it doesn't have to be life or death. And your not being selfish either.

You can choose life @Teej

You can get through the night with me right there beside you. You'll do me a favour too in not being self destructive.

Tonight you are hating yourself and these big emotions. Turn that around and give yourself a chance to show yourself some compassion and self care. You owe that to yourself. And you can do it. I know you can

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor28 July 2018, 8:17 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I don’t think that I anticipated how much harder it was without the kids around to help keep me accountable. It’s sooooo much easier to be destructive when there is no one to stop you and i forget they exist because I’m in my head so much.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Sans911Senior Contributor28 July 2018, 8:29 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Perhaps see the situation as your kids might be home anytime, so you don't want them to see you in that state. And be accountable to you, to take of yourself. Do the right thing for you

@Teej

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor28 July 2018, 9:11 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

💜💐💕 @Teej ..... your kids will always need you in their lives. You matter so much to them, and you matter to us. That doesn’t change. Keep learning to nurture yourself .... you can do this ..... you’re on the journey ..... just keep going. Like learning a new language there will be a point where fluency kicks in .....

Hugs n hugs Hon ..... love you.

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