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I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.
Thanks @CheerBear. Wow you too. That huge internal battle of voices/ thoughts/ chants between life and death gets so overwhelming sometimes.
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
I wonder, after looking at those three responses all in a row, how many of us hear "just do it"? @Sans911 and @Teej
It's hard when it's loud or strong or intense @Teej. I can imagine how confusing it would be to have after a good day, and how that might take some processing to try and make sense of. I found it really interesting the way you described yours and how they differ.
It's definitely on my list of things to talk about tomorrow. Sorry you didn't get much resolution with it today.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Absolutely @CheerBear that has been a really helpful me too moment for me @CheerBear, @Sans911. Feeling really grateful for this conversation. 💜🤗
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
And Im feeling flat too @Teej. Have been for some weeks. I'm in a downwards turn and there's a lot of me and my brain telling me to give in and give up. While it's nice to have people say to me that they think I'm doing fine, and that everything I'm doing is great things to do, I wish I could feel that more for myself.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Yeah. I get that @Sans911. I was in that place a few weeks ago. My cmh team were telling me things were going good but I was sliding and snowballing everything. I’d have a few good days. For me I started off the week with the best three days in a row I’d had for months I think but now a crash that I’m fighting like mad not to go back to that. It’s so hard when you can’t feel it, I think it makes it worse because you think something is wrong with you for not feeling the way others think you are.
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
@Teej@CheerBear - your two last posts really resonates with me, especially the just do it, but also the other push pull words @CheerBear talks of.
I'm also grateful for this conversation for two reasons. It's nice to know you both a little better and also know that at times of struggle, despair and darkness they're others in a similar state.
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Big hugs @Sans911, for the dips and the downwards turns and the wanting to feel like you're doing as fine as people say and think you are.
And hugs for you also @Teej. Grateful here too, definitely.
Heading off for the night. Take care and night ❤
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Night @CheerBear💜🤗😴
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Goodnight @CheerBear xx
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Thinking of you @Teej wondering how today is for you, hoping you're doing ok/ok enough 💗
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