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I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor03 May 2018, 8:11 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I’m all kinds of crazy but trying to hold it together @CheerBear. My head is just cycling through things at a hundred miles an hour. I’ve had a strange 24 hours. I’m ok, just confused and trying not to get out of control. Thank you for asking. I’m stalking the forum but feel like I have my hands tied behind my back and know I cant post some stuff I’d like to get out of my head.......so long story long I’d love the distraction of something to smile over. As I left my therapy appointment today in tears and a daze I then I found my only real smile for the day. Ironically there’s a ditto in it, it reminded me of you. 💜🤗

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor03 May 2018, 8:16 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I had a feeling you might be feeling a bit 'jumbly' (it's a new word I'm trying out I think - not sure if it's working out for me yet) maybe @Teej. I'm glad you're ok, though hearing that's maybe taking some effort which I understand. Glad you had a smile today. I'm going to go and share mine. Would love to hear about yours if you're up for it.

💗

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Sans911Senior Contributor03 May 2018, 8:29 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Evening @Teej. You give me little smiles when your avatar and name pop up, just like @CheerBear does.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor03 May 2018, 8:34 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Out of respect for the smile thread, I'll reply over here @Teej. I think of you with my flowers often. My azalea is starting to flower again. It's so special and it just keeps on keeping on. Growing under it are violets that have died down in summer, but I know from last year, will come back again and not long from now, there will be so many flowers here. I remember when I got them. I think I posted a photo for you of them at the time ☺

Hiya @Sans911 💗

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor03 May 2018, 8:41 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @Sans911 the feeling is mutual 😊

thanks @CheerBear 😳I was the one who wanted that thread more positive and upbeat and just wrote the first negative thing. Will edit it soon. It was the self hate stuff boiling up 😣.

Im glad you have that garden. It sounds like a beautiful place @CheerBear. Thank you for sharing that you get lots of smiles from flowers too.

Do either of you ever get kind of like voices or some phrase that gets repeated over and over in your head when things aren’t so good?

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor03 May 2018, 8:47 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

So strangely @Teej I have spent some time this evening reading a psychiatrist report I found in the DSP mountain of paper from my GP. I haveI flicked over but haven't actually properly absorbed until now. I've highlighted "auditory hallucinations" to ask my psychologist about tomorrow, as it is written in it. So maybe yes, butI don't know as I hadn't really thought about it as being like that before. It's what I think of when I read 'voices' though. When things get hard, I think lots of things on repeat for sure.

I am guessing maybe you're experiencing a bit of that tonight?

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Sans911Senior Contributor03 May 2018, 8:57 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Yes @Teej quite a lot. Especially with my SI —I get what I would call a cheer squad voice. You know, like 'just do it, get on with it, what are you afraid of'. But I get a lot of negative voices at times, and they're almost like a repetitive chant.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor03 May 2018, 9:03 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

More last night @CheerBear. I worked out today in therapy that I have two. One I’ve known about for a few years and comes and goes. It’s like a subconscious thought on high repeat but it never feels like it comes to me as a thought more like a little voice. It says “I just hurt”. It’s harmless though but often catches me unaware and then I argue with it saying I don’t and I have nothing to hurt from at that moment.

The other one is “just do it”. This one is trying to push me into sh/suicide. It’s like I want that one to win. It comes to me in a different way to the other one. There is more of a feeling of a voice but I think it’s more just a really forceful thought. Last night it was frighteningly loud considering I’d had a pretty good day and a lovely really connected evening with my kids. It caught me off guard completely and I’m trying to make sense of it. It’s not here tonight, I’m still trying to process it all. I talked to my therapist today about it but didn’t come to much of a resolution that helps me put it away for a bit. I am doing better than last night so all is good.

Thank you for responding. I hope you get to understand yours and work through it too. 💜🤗

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor03 May 2018, 9:04 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

That I can relate to @Sans911. For me it is like a push pull fight in my head with it. It's "just do it" vs "you know you're never going to" or "seriously - give up now" vs "come on - you can ride this out". And there's all the "why do you have to be like this?" and "do we have to do this again?". Really messy sometimes.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor03 May 2018, 9:05 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Just read your response @Sans911 and it looks like there is a snap there. ' Just do it' is mine. Thank you for sharing that too. I’ve been feeling pretty defeated this afternoon. It’s helped to get it out here.

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