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I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor10 Apr 2018, 7:07 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Faith-and-Hope, @Appleblossom, @Former-Member.

I think you all touched on things that are relevant. Everything I want to write is negative and I don’t want to fill this space with my negativity just now. For the last few weeks all I could see was me as a burden that I never wanted to be. I don’t know what comes next but I think I have lots of processing to do. I think I have a lot of anger and sadness because I feel like there is a no win scenario here. No matter which way I turn I need people and I’m not coping with that amongst lots of other things.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

outlanderSenior Contributor10 Apr 2018, 7:28 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Teej hearing you

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor10 Apr 2018, 7:43 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hearing you @Teej .....

If my situation ends up making me single, I will be in the same boat in terms of needing others to support my way of living. It is only the fact that we are managing to maintain a sembance of family that is keeping me from that space.

It’s not wrong. There are not actual “shoulds” here ..... your family is your community, and we belong with community in whatever form we put that together. Animals are part of our community .... that is a symbiotic relationship too .... each depending on the other .....

Hugs .....

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember11 Apr 2018, 12:13 am AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Oh @Teej, I've been where you are and soooo understand. You didn't want all that drama around, ya don't know why youre here / don't know what to do. Feel ashamed and mixed up... I think, from my memory of it all. Yet we are still here= so thereust be something left for us to dp, to experience, to learn... We don't have to ask wjy..

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor11 Apr 2018, 11:58 am AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Teej ...... I wonder whether your counsellor can help you pen a card to the staff at the hospital in such a way as to thank them for the medical attention they gave you ...... singling our any particular treatment you received that gave you a sense of dignity and feeling of being respected under circumstances where you found yourself feeling so humiliated within your inner world as to do that things you did. ..... and how much it meant to your sons who were worried sick about you ...... demonstrating in the process that you are not always in a state of crisis, that you are a human being and a mother of well-grounded adult children, that you needed to be treated with dignity and respect, and hopefully casting some shame on those who are either unaware of that, or who need reminding.

I know it is a big ask, and you might struggle to find that piece of daylight to praise them for, but I see it as a project I would like to happen frequently to help get that message across ...... even going so far as to say some hung like “if I were your wife / girlfriend / sister / mother / aunt .....” without adding bitterness or overt accusation.

Praising minimal effort can highlight how much more effort could have been applied.

If you could walk in there clean and well-dressed in the company of a well-dressed girlfriend or son, and deliver the card in person, all the better ...... but that is an even bigger ask and possibly triggering for you ..... and it is your best interests I have at front and centre.

I hate to see you feeling so disempowered, and this is one way I have found to regain a sense of dignity. It is taking the higher moral ground, when they least expect you to.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor11 Apr 2018, 12:36 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I hope you’re feeling a little better today @Former-Member.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember11 Apr 2018, 6:43 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope i am feeling very ordinary today and not great but did go to work. Daughter isnt well either and may not be able to go to school tomorrow which will be difficult to manage but will see what happens.

Hi @Teej i hope today was ok and there were moments where things were ok. keep being gentle on you...

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor11 Apr 2018, 11:03 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I’m sorry I haven’t responded earlier @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope, @Former-Member.

@Faith-and-Hope I just read your post to sans. I don’t think I get it still in that I think I have blocks up to feeling anything. I’m really confused about so many things just now.

I have been in such a strange place today. I ended up on lifeline just before which ended up making me feel worse. I’m not sure how that happens.

I don’t know what else to say just now but I feel like I’m in this bubble watching the world from inside it as though I’m an alien. It’s really hard to describe. I was hoping the person at lifeline could help reconnect me but instead made me feel further away.

I hope tomorrow is better for you @Former-Member. Sorry I’ve not been there for you much lately.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember11 Apr 2018, 11:11 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I'm sorry to hear that about lifeline @Teej but i've found that lifeline tips me over more often than not when i've used the chat.. as it makes me feel more alone than before often... BUT when its the only option for the immediate need its worth trying. Try to distance yourself a little bit from the call/chat not helping a little if you can because its so common (from what i've read continuously from others here on the forums)... but every so often i have had a chat with an actual human who was interactive and not a robotic script and it helped... so its worth trying sometimes...
I am ok @Teej and not reaching out really apart from my lil whines about not feeling well (put away your miniscule violin 🙂 ) im ok.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor11 Apr 2018, 11:18 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

That sounds like a bubble of numbing @Teej that I imagine is like a bandage, protecting you against feeling at the moment .... something that goes with a higher level of trauma, like an anaesthesia of sorts.

Can you gently get on with the doing of general things @Teej and let feelings and emotions return with time ? There are different ways to connect ..... I know this from experiencing it in an ancient culture very familiar with trauma ..... they keep their hands and feet busy with moving the mundane aspects of life forward, and it is like a kinesetic form of grieving ..... the emotions catch up later.

Keep talking with your counsellor and explain what you are feeling so she is aware, but keep feeding the dog ..... walk him if you can .... pull weeds from the garden .... hang out some washing ..... keep doing th3 daily things that support a household. Keep life happening .....

Hugs and hugs @Teej. Hearing you ..... walking with you .....

💜💜💜💐💕

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