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I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.
@Teej ..... you know this is your default mode ...... and it is still “that” period in the year ..... so pull yourself up over that bit ..... recognise that it is the default track that needs to be changed, and a deeper groove created in a new behaviour pattern that is more positive, or at least a stepping stone in the less-destructive direction ...... meanwhile start filling in the current default groove, which you are doing in fact by riding through it with support ...... support here, and anywhere / everywhere else you can find it .....
You’ve got this @Teej ..... hour by hour ...... talk to your therapists about creating a parallel default path to exchange by degrees from this one. You can do this ...... map it out ..... let others help you ..... you matter.
And that was your “independent one”’s life path. It will make him strong and temper him in accord with his personality strengths ..... you are seeing evidence of that already.
My S2 has been on a different path. It’s okay .... it’s forging him .....it’s only in hindsight that you learn the value of what was ..... the positive fruit it can produce ...... persevere.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
💜💐💕@Teej .....
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
@Teej
hoping that you are more at peace with yourself
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Thanks @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope. Yesterday kind of got better in that my mood improved enough to come out of crisis mode . Today I woke up really messy but just writing to @CheerBear was incredibly grounding. Last night I sent a birthday message to my son finally after putting it off all day at the time of his birth. Thank goodness he was born at night. I guess today is one of survival and going with my messy brain rather than fighting it. 💜🤗
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
💜💐@Teej .....
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hello @Teej
good that you connected with @CheerBear and were able to feel more grounded...incredible how grounding helps..
lovely that you sent the message to your son...that is a huge achievement in itself as you clearly were struggling with that...I hope that you can congratulate yourself on that and be proud of the mum who you are....loving...
take care
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
(Sneaking in to say how incredibly helpful it was for me to read @Teej writing today)
So good to hear you shifted out of crisis mode. It's hard not to fight messy brain sometimes but maybe we have to roll with it when fighting doesn't seem to be working. How much easier things are said than done sometimes though - which sounded a bit not quite right so I'll add that I hope it is as easy to do that today as it can be for you.
❤
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
thinking of you @Teej hoping today is a better day for you. just for you.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Thanks @Former-Member. I love the purple and by nature I’m a cloud/sky watcher 😊💜.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Another cheery purple image for you @Teej hopiing your day is going nicely for you. Thinking of you.
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just for you. 
Thinking of you.
