I am struggling at the moment

Just wondering if anyone is around?

Im nearly through but not quite. Had 3 calls today with my cc as I was so distressed. I’ve distracted for about 15 hours straight now. Part of my brain is still pushing to take myself out but part knows if I can get through today tomorrow might be ok. I would normally have taken myself out with self medicating by now. I’m in a strange headspace. There is a constant battle of thoughts.

Hi @Teej ..... 🌷

I was just about to go get alcohol 😣

I’m so tired of it all @Faith-and-Hope. Life is only about fear and struggle at the moment and only going to get worse. There is no breathing or peace.

It’s ok @Faith-and-Hope I’m being a shit anyway. You’d be wise to run.

I’m writing this after a few drinks and some ?..

i am not a good person to be around. This year I’ve hurt nearly everyone I’ve been in contact with. Seems I’m set to self sabotage at every turn. I can’t live with needing help from family to get through anymore. I can’t live being a burden to everyone. I have spent the last few weeks saying goodbye to my old life. I’ll never be able to buy gifts for my kids again or a coffee for a friend. I’ll never be that reliable responsible person. I feel week and pathetic and not worthy of all the amazing people on here. I have messed up every goal I set myself and my kids keep telling me that I’m loosing the plot not remembering things or being able to concentrate. When I started on the forum at least I was giving. Now it seems I just take. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I don’t see realistically how I’ll ever make it forward. I am spiralling out of control. I was trying so hard to make steps forward but I can’t see the point anymore. I’ll always where the L on my forehead and hurt people I care about. I don’t respect me and shouldn’t expect anyone else to. I’m so sorry for always being a chaotic mess. I really hope it won’t be for much longer. I hate me so much.

Hi @Teej ..... not running anywhere ..... face-planted my iPad last night Hon. If ever I don’t respond, it’s only because I can’t in the moment ..... but you couldn’t have known that of course, because I did say hi to begin with.

I hear you. I hear how scary it is, and how you can’t see a time when you will be recovered and earning an income ..... but that is part of actually getting there. If you speak with others who have been where you are, they will tell you about feeling that they had reached rock bottom ..... right before they started climbing again. It looks something like this ....

At this point in your journey you are needing that support you are pushing away, and the alcohol amplifies the negative feelings, giving them an excuse to take over ..... and the family history plays a part in that too. Have you been to a support group for that particular coping mechanism ?

@Teej, you are so worth it .... anybody in your life would rather have you present, and struggling, and needing support, than not at all. The “not at all” is scarring beyond belief, and it passes the baton to someone else in ways that you can’t see from the midst of the struggle.

Consider just what you would do for your brother if the roles were reversed. There is nothing within your power that you wouldn’t do for him. Pick one of your sons .... any one of them .... and you would give anything you could to help them through. When they have resources that they want to share with you, and you won’t take them, then that is being a taker ..... you are taking away their ability to help, love, and support you in the ways that matter to them most.

This is a country where supports are available @Teej ..... and there are ways to give back in community service roles. Accept crisis support if that is what you need, and then get involved in soup kitchens and charity organisations as a volunteer when you are able to ..... Its a community table if you like. I think your future lies in helping to pick others back up ..... I have always believed that.

This is what my love for you looks like .....

And you will be helping to pick me back up too .... 💜💜💜

Oh, dear sweet @Teej there are cycles in any person's life where they give to others in support, then things shift around to where others give to you in support. Life is supposed to be reciprocal - the giving and receiving - to balance things out.

Your images and chats have helped me enormously to get through my own very low days, but I also know how hard it can be to truly believe the words others say, I get that.

Some of your messages have come at a time when I was very low indeed and I have 1 person in my life, so your messages are extremely important to me.

You are a member of my virtual extended family and the relationship is important to me.

From my experience of suicidal feelings, it's not life I have wanted to end, but more the pain of what I'd been experiencing, that I wanted to end. There is a difference, and sometimes it's possible to make enough changes with the painful experiences to be able to want to continue to live.

I respect that everyone's situation is different. I will respect you no matter what choice you make because you have tried to do and be better than you thought you are/ were.

I hope that didn't sound like preaching, because for the last few years there is barely a day that goes by without me thinking whether today is the day.

I do a pro and con list, weighing that choice against how much I want to have the experience of wearing that new crocheted thing I'm making or some other silly little thing like feeling good because I've finally done the edging on the hankie that's been sitting in the stash for 5 or 6 years.

I like you Teej, the chaos is what you see, what I see is a kind, caring and really strong person doing the best they can.