I am struggling at the moment

Oooooh @Teej

your phrase :"I cant hide my crazy"

resonated so much with me.

There is so much pressure internal and external to squash those unacceptable bits of ourselves into our big toes .... its amazing our toes dont grow legs.

Your kids are big kids ... we cant make the world perfect for them ... and those birthdays are also about being older and more mature ...

I am mindful and RESPECTING of your parenting load... even if you dont give yourself credit.

You can give both them a late birthday pressie and meal ... its part of growing up ...but ask for permission for an extension of time ... like doing that essay or paying that bill ... thats fair ... tell them you needed the time out ... YOU DO DESERVE THAT @Teej

Chinese kids managed for centuries without birthday parties.

Its the actual popping out of the bad or weird stuff ...and not having enough control ... that I have struggled with heaps over the years..but the truth is we all have overwhelm .. and if you are feeling it ... then ... its a truth.

Hang in there sister

Thank @eth, @Appleblossom, @CheerBear

it helped to read all of what you wrote. It also helped me to work out what it was that I need. I think that perhaps I needed to acknowledge that there are lots of stresses at the moment and I had expectations that I was fine and was in control. I guess the more I push it all down the bigger they jump up. You are right @Appleblossom i think my surreal has been a way of saying I’m overwhelmed just now. I try to tell myself that my overwhelm is pathetic compared to everyone else on here and that I shouldn’t feel it. I guess my overwhelm is my overwhelm.

@Former-Member if you are reading all this I’m so sorry it became all about me. Im missing you around the forum and knowing that things are so hard for you bought out my big feelings but that is my problem not yours. Please stay safe and let someone know you are ok when you can. You are still in my thoughts.......just amongst all the chaos in my brain.

Im signing out for now. Thank you everyone. 💜🤗

@TeejHope that you have a better day tomorrow. Please dont compare yourself to others or to me .. I value with your full experience. It is different in some ways, but so similar in others.

I am not sure why you blame yourself for @Former-Member not logging in. You have blamed yourself before for forum stuff, please ease up.

Any ideas are thrown around for brainstroming ... how you manage is in your court.... Not every birthday gets the same big deal or you can promise a bigger spread for 25.

It is such a strange transition from mum of adults to older woman. Its very gradual as they slowly need us less. When you are in a calmer frame of mind, try to imagine some positive scenarios for yourself in the future. Just little wish balloons ... like @Former-Member's "what if" thread. Let us know more about your volunteer work ... if you like ???

Sleep Well Bella

@Appleblossom

Thank you for letting me know about @Teej and such huge struggles..

I have been caught up in my own stuff and was unaware of how very difficult the days have been for you..

please do not measure your pain ..your value..your strength against others..

Most of us do it at some stage and it is so unhealthy for us..

I know that Lisa Jane would be wanting the same for you as you do for her..

she is probably needing to practise self-care at the moment as you are..

bringing up a family is the hardest job in the world...throw in past trauma..mental health issues...makes it so very much harder..we also are so much harder on ourselves..The number of times that I have been told I am my own worst enemy..

Today my psychiatrist told me that I really am not aware how strong I am..perhaps you might be similar..

there for others yet such harsh self-judgement..

can you ring your therapist rooms on Monday morning..get a sooner appointment.?

is hospital an option from your point of view?

I also think reading back that you have done very well to get to where you are at now..

hopefully you are having rest now..

no need to reply..

teej comes first.. Xxx

Or string up some lights around the back yard and do a “vintage” bbq ..... 50’s style if you want a theme .... something that suits the one celebrating. What is their passion ? Party pies, sausage rolls, hot dogs and dips works with that. The kids would get involved, right ?

We just said “theatre” for our S2, and had a sausage sizzle and cake that I made, and D3’s 18th we did Paella in large pans (you can hire them) and a family friend did face-painting for adults. All at home. We like at-home occasions.

The kids friends all do the meet-you-at- _______ (name of a bar) and everyone pays their own way with drinks and nibblies instead of gifts.

@Teej

Try to isolate the stresses, and deal with only one at a time ..... the stress of the day, or the stress of the week .... however you want to frame it ..... and share the issue of the house so everyone can work on it.

You matter. Nothing else is worth what you are to those who love you.

💜💐☕️💕

@Faith-and-Hope He is not missing out. He has organised a huge birthday weekend out with mates (pretty much a swim through 😩). I think I just feel bad about a few things, one of them is feeling disconnected. One is I can’t help him out financially. This is my very social creature. I think these time just remind me that I failed him lots. We’ll get together next week as a family for it.

I am going into panic mode at the slightest things and my mood is pretty low again. There is so much in my brain going round and round and it’s exhausting just living every day on survival. I’m complaining really. It’s ok to ignore it. I hate being so negative. I hate that I can’t find stable. Sitting on the toilet before I was planning bad stuff again. It’s not leaving me alone at all. It’s almost subconscious now. I have some things planned for the next few hours that I hope distract me enough (market and I have to vote).

Thank you @Sans911, @Former-Member, @Appleblossom, @CheerBear. I’ll try to respond more when I’m not such a pain in the backside.

good morning @Teej

no need to respond to me...

I wish for you to respond to you...

as for pain in the backside...negative self talk...part and parcel of guilt...until we recognise is a waste of energy and only serves to cause further damage...

if asking yourself what you are guilty about entails your time with your family....you have and still do spend some time with them....you are unwell and therefore as if you had the flu and were confined to bed...would be unable to spend time for everyday stuff...including significant dates as they arise...

great your son has organised things with friends...what they want most...

you could make a handmade card of sorts and write how proud you are of him and no matter what you love him deeply...or your words.

that would be a great distraction and something that would give you pleasure and self care at same time..

.or just give him a huge hug and whisper in his ear love you and am so proud of you..whatever you feel comfortable with...

please keep writing on here if you become overwhelmed again...ring lifeline...just start with I dont know where to start...I just want to breathe at the moment...I have done this....

above all know that you do matter....you are valued and have so many gifts that you are just unable to see at the moment....

will respond when I can xxx

ps if you prefer just thinking of you...I am fine with that too....