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I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor16 Mar 2018, 4:17 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope, @Former-Member 💜🤗

I have no more words. I’m afraid I fried my brain, all I’ve managed today is to sleep off my emotions over and over again. I’m sooooo tired still. This is not a life I choose but I seem to choose it over and over again, I know that’s the definition of insanity 😔😳. I’m trying so hard to be good and not use maladaptive coping strategies but man it’s been a looooong day already. Not sure what else to say but thank you 🙏💜🤗

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

ethSenior Contributor16 Mar 2018, 4:30 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thinking of you and sending you care @Teej

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor16 Mar 2018, 4:42 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hugs @Teej ...... 💜💐

You’ll get there Hon.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

AppleblossomSenior Contributor16 Mar 2018, 4:49 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@TeejYou do have many strengths.

Sometimes I feel like running.

Do you ever go running. Sometimes I will go for a walk and then break into short runs and run off the panic or negativity and but not be too far from home.

I dont do business with L word .. ditch it ..

Not sure if you need to talk through a specific situation. Can you journal it at least and then close the book.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor16 Mar 2018, 7:19 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I can’t lose my crazy today. I’m feeling terrible over lots of things. I’ve rang lifeline and hung up, I’ve rung beyond blue and hung up, I’ve messaged my therapist but not expecting a response, and even rung cat team who are not in the office. Not sure how to get through tonight without making it worse. I don’t know what I need to get through unscathed. This kind of insane feels unfamiliar.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor16 Mar 2018, 7:24 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Teej I dont know if it helps but I am sending you huge thoughts right now. It's mega tricky when dealing with a level of stuff that feels and is unfamiliar and reaching out for support doesn't seem to be working. Hearing you.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor16 Mar 2018, 8:07 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @CheerBear.

i honestly don’t know what I would talk about if I got through. My head is so spinny. Maybe just writing that I feel so completely messed up has helped a bit. My best friend dropped in for a coffee a few hours ago and I couldn’t hide my crazy from her. It just bought up more shame. I usually manage to fake it for her. We have a deal that she doesn’t get to deal with my messy head just the practical bits of finding me when I’ve been awol and fishing me out of hospital. I only have a few more hours to get through without doing anything stupid and I’ve made it through today. Things are looking better than an hour ago so that’s a plus. I hate that I had to let this out here again though. Thanks again. 💜🤗

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor16 Mar 2018, 8:18 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I was writing to you @Teej when I added a tab so I could read this. I feel so much that 'but what would I talk about' thing sometimes. Sometimes I have ended up blurting out a whole lot of "i feel... and I think... and then this.. and a bit of that..." and it's like a big blur of stuff. I find it impressive anytime someone can stop and make some form of sense of things with me when I am like that. Other times it's a sense of not knowing where to start or what might help. It's hard teej! As you said, sometimes it can help to get it out somewhere, or to know that someone knows maybe.

Did you get through to cat team or leave a message?

Best friends sound like people who might understand things like what you're going through maybe/hopefully.

I'm glad things are looking better than an hour ago. I was writing to say that I am here and will happily sit here with you if it would help ❤

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor16 Mar 2018, 8:33 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I haven’t tried cat team again. It’s a bit of a catch 22 for me ringing them @CheerBear. I’ve got a history of self destructing if I get the wrong person and making things way worse through SH. Same with lifeline. I’m a fickle little creature.

I was just sent my safety plan by @Former-Member. I guess it helped to read it. One of the people mentioned on my plan turns 21 tomorrow and I’ve been carrying so much shame and fear I have buried that. Of all the things, he doesn’t deserve me to take huge risks just now. I feel very distant and absent from it all though. I don’t have a present for him yet or his brother who had his birthday 11 days ago. Just one of the many things I’m messing up hugely because I can’t face anything 😢 Everything feels surreal. Thanks for listening. I’ll try to get over the line. I hope you are ok. Sorry I haven’t been around much.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

ethSenior Contributor16 Mar 2018, 8:43 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I'm here too @Teej. Can you call it a day and curl up with a cozy blanket or something nice to drink? Maybe watch a movie to take your mind off it all?

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