"Toxic friend" was only 5-6yo when this started @oceangirl .... I was truly shocked !
She lead D3 into a stealing situation, presenting it in such a way that it seemed reasonable, and fitted into D3's bicultural concept of the world .... they were caught, and the headmistress rang me to talk it through ... D3 had not understood the wrong they were doing at all, and was completely devastated when the social rules were explained, and she could understand what they had done and how it was wrong .... headmistress was concerned about how devastated she was, that she would be able to accept that it was just an error in judgement and she could move on ....
TF on the other hand, had understood completely what she had been doing, and that she had used D3 to achieve her own ends and anticipated that any blame and punishment would fall to D3 !! Headmistress was shocked at that too .... as was I ....
Any compassion I had for TF was over-ridden by my need to protect my daughter from her, and the teacher they had at the time tried to assist with that. Then to find the teacher the following year encouraging and reinforcing the relationship I had specifically requested to be kept as spdistant as possible ... ?? Grrrr .... 😡
I had had TF over for a play date early on .... from the back of the car in the way home I could hear her talking to D3 about having dreams about "witches and devils n stuff" and had made a mental note not to have her over again. Withthe uncomfortable dialect / cultural issue already present, she didn't need to be trying to negotiate troubled relationships as well .... but that is exactly what ended up happening .... compounding everything and creating the impression, for some of the teachers, that D3 was incapable. The thing is too, she has a really high EQ - (emotional intelligence) and would not put herself out there for teachers she recognised were judging her. It was her work for the compassionate teachers that demonstrated her ability.
TF's mother was two hours late to pick her up from the play date .... two hours !! when she was still so young. I learned across the next couple of years that this was not unusual at all .... mother was completely emotionally absent .... and at one stage another parent called the police. She had gone to collect her child from a play date with TS at 6pm, but there was nobody at the house. Two and a half hours later the mother turned up with the two girls - 8:30pm - having decided to take them out somewhere on a whim and totally disrespecting the pick-up time she had given the other mum ....
So sad ....
TF ended up at the same school as D3 later on, but after her difficult start, I had requested D3 repeat a year at her new school, as she had been the youngest in her year group anyway. That meant she travelled through the rest of her schooling as the eldest in her year group .... by a few days at least .... and when TF came into that school, she was travelling a year ahead, and it was easy for D3 to avoid her as she chose to do without hesitation.
I expect that girl will need a lot of psychological support moving forward. With our situation at home regarding WH, I think my youngest two will need some debriefing and support as well, but wow .... that was an experience .... and when I think of TF I wish her well, but it was beyond my scope to try to support her in any way when my priority needed to be D3's safety.
