Thank you @Former-Member. That has helped me ..I read your post very slowly and will probably come back to it again. Its especially good to have a back & forward conversation .. when things are misread .. or there is some covert stuff going on .. that I may not understand... I adopted the attitude of shrugging off social stuff I didnt understand .. as it wasnt as critical as the basic needs ...
in the church choir .. there a few people big on the ... what you should well know ... which was usually about some gender stuff and I did not .. but then got in trouble for knowing other stuff .. anyway I have to move on .
Different musical groups .. may have better fit .. for me... they are more creative and less conservative.
I felt useful on the forum, which is a familiar feeling and good enough,and slowly losing my anger, at those more fortunate who didnt understand, and my awkwardness and face up to the ways my ideas also made life more difficult for myself.
I knew I had a lot of experience relevant to the forum so I perservered. I did not want pity or sympathy. I wanted respect and warmth and a sense of acceptance and camaraderie. I am used to sharing that around .. not terribly worried about special friendships .. as I was used to others always having closer ties ... etc ..its fine and I respected others connections .. whether romantic marriage or girly .. it doesnt bother me ... especially when people make the effort to be inclusive. I am alright with people being different ...
people connect on different things .. that make sense of their histories.... its not about even stephens .. its about .. the natural spontaneous connections .. that emerge
@Shaz51 Yes the auntie babysitting thing ... hmm ... one thing .. both my biological children .. were aware of the problems that can cause .. when they were being used ...
Yes sometimes .. I can react to a post... or I might have tried to point out an issue ... but not just to be argumentative, but becasue it felt like it needed to be said.
@Faith-and-Hope in buddhism there was a lot of talk about not "self-cherishing: I did take on the self detachment aspect .. maybe a bit far ... so it is good to sit with these feelings and accept the affection people on the forum have offered ... that includes @Mazarita @Jacques and @PeppiPatty and @Former-Member and @Former-Member
I also did not want for cliques to grow .. but we cant control natural groupings of indviduals
Today .. not "working" on the forum .. but receiving ... 
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