I am struggling at the moment

Hello @Appleblossom

you are valued my special friend , you have helped me when I needed help , you have always been there for me

I know what you mean , this last week I have been feeling a bit unwanted ,that I can`t write down what I am thinking I don`t know if it is because I am still getting over the flu

I have been used by a aunty that invited me to have a holiday at her place after my grandmother died when I was 15 , she had 3 children -- 14 , 7 and 1 and the day I arrived , she when to work and me and my cousin 14 had to look after the little ones

while I was there I got the shingles and all I wanted to do was go back home

Hey @Appleblossom

As I read your post I thought what an emotion fuelled post, not in a bad way but out of concern that there is a lot going on with those thoughts and emotions.

The thing that struck me was that point about being cherished. I had to look it up to check whether I understood it too. I guess this minute I want you to know I cherish you even if you can't feel it. I know it's not easy to feel it though. You have run into brick walls your whole life that I can see and in my mind I think it would make you not know or understand what being cherished is like. So just for now know that I/we put so much value on you as a person, warts and all (we all have them, I have my own wart plantation). You are truly loved on here for being you. I know you run into walls even here sometimes too. I've seen it just last week and was very frustrated. But there are more of us on the forum that see your shining light no matter what and even when it feels dim for you. I hope this helps. It feels like you have lots of things tangled in your mind at the moment.

💜🤗💐😘

PS. It's taken me a long time to come to cute stuff, probably always been soft though. I grew up in an emotionally cold family too so cute and soft have emerged more recently, I guess they were always there but hidden for decades. And I'm guessing by cute you mean adding emoticons and pictures and flowering things up.

hugs @Appleblossom

youve never deserved the treatment you received. you are cared for here, and we've all experienced so much of your generosity, we know the kind and gentle soul and cherish you,

hugs

You know @Former-Member and @Shaz51 are cherished here too by me and many others. When I think of all you guys it's always with endearment and a smile. 💜🤗💐

Oh that's the best news I've heard all day @Pepsimax 😊😘. I'm so glad it worked out. I hope tonight is ok. It's still a long time between meals. How are you feeling?

Oh that is so wonderful @Pepsimax. And you've had a day out and it sounds like met some wonderful people in the process. I'm really really pleased and relieved for you. And it was @Former-Member that suggested that. She is another truly beautiful person on the forum. I hope you have a good night tonight. It's really great to know you got help when you needed it. 💜🤗💐

I'm not feeling so good. But I am thinking of you all .

I hope you are okay @Pepsimax and that I am glad you were able to get some help today. I am seriously thinking of going into hospital because I need some help- I think I will pick a clinic of my choice .

I did sleep a bit better last night, and I was able to get about six hours sleep. I am a struggling to just to walk to the letterbox but I did train today for one hour, the first 45mins was a struggle. I stopped off on the way home and I got subway for lunch and I just bought in the washing and the rest of the afternoon I have been in bed- I was unable to do anything more.

I have decided no more study for me unless its a short course or something that I will enjoy. I am not well enough for formal study- I am struggling with this decision because in the past I have always done so well. But I have accepted things have changed and more study would put me under too much stress.

I now just have to organize a referral into the clinic. I have so much negative thoughts happening atm.I think because I have opened up to people, and I feel like I have been judged. I think I have a lot of fear around being judged and not being accepted. I never judge anyone and I would like to think I have an open mind and treat people with compassion.

My plan for the next few days and that is just to get through volunteering tomorrow and see how I am after this. I have to drop off the lawn mower in the morning to get fixed- I busted it yesterday lol. I think my Dad can only do the edges tomorrow but thats okay I can do the rest when I get the lawn mower back- they may fix it while I wait.

I have been going over old ground and thinking of something that happen between myself & my GP, I shared with her that I was bullied and harrased in year 7- it was quite serious. I never talked about it until recently after my stay in a private clinic where I was able to open up in a group therapy session. On my return I thought because I had such a close relationship with her or someone I thought would understand I told her about being bullied and the comment back to me was that they didn't have to like me. Those words are still with me and make me feel so much pain & shame.

I am feeling really nervous sharing this about myself and worried what you guys will think of me. I am not in a good place.