@Former-Member & @Faith-and-Hope Thanks
I have adopted a cheery persona re .. just visiting .. but I do need the occasional reminder that I am valued or I go back to feeling unwanted.
A few of my aunties Guilt tripped me terribly for "dropping in" It was probably really more about their feuds with my mother than me ... I was so shocked but they all seem to have resented .. that i visited them as a child or teen or as a mum .... one guil tripped me for staying a few weekends that my grandmother had organised during my 2 nd abandonment ...
she had me buy things for her in a controlling and bitchy manner and i obliged and brought them and my son to visit at the farm... they are the ex BHP esecs and now property developers with ... the drug-pushing son ... .... she made out I had been a big impostion ... when I was 10.. ..
I had always maintained that my big bustling dutch family gave me a sense of normality among the instability and religious extremism etc ...
in the end I am completely cut off from extended family .. wrong side of the bridge ...they played their little games and linked in with my daughters at mum's funeral ... NOW I have lost all respect for them ... I was a fool & embarrassment ... the poor relation ... but even when I was being generous ... and I was a lot of time ... generating positive holidays etc.... when all they would do was whinge about this and that .. and put people down ..... I happily having an aunt stay and cooking for them all ... when she was struggling with children and husband ,,,, but essentially ... they didnt want to feel .. any sense of responsibility for the suicides .. and kind of wiped me as a convenient scapegoat ...
You also mentioned that I knew I was"cherished" on the forum in another thread ... no such thing ... I have actually put a lot of work in .. am quite shy of the typical style of girly relating ... so dont do soft stuff or cute stuff .... stick to the essentials .... not to be scientific or tough .. but just that is the most important stuff ...people do need to express some positivity to me for it to register with me ... otherwise I do worry that I am a pain ... and have been over exposed on the forum ... more than cherished ... the mods and @Shaz51 and @Peppi and faith and dec ... have .. reassured me and you and lisa Jane ..
I have done years and years of volunteer work with homeless... with family therapy ... with refugees .. but still put up with being challenged by people to start to think about it ... yeah ..... even here... and its easy for me being pushed out .. ignored ...
The good thing is ... that when I joined SANE i have started to put my own challenges out .. maybe that is what shone through in my earlier posts .. me being challenging ... more than my vulnerability ,,,not sure ...and its good I can go back and check what was said ... re-read posts ... its important to reality check .. than to think one can mind read .. or be psychic .. anyway thats my bottom line
Then I get the problem that people think I am too formal .. but I am just ... not .. sure ...I dont really want to be a burden ..try and carry my weight.
Dont want to stress you ... as you have done a lot of good on the site .. and I respect that ... 
