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I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.
It's ok @Faith-and-Hope. I know you must be suffering helpers fatigue and it's the middle of the night there. Please look after you. You have spent the last 24 helping everyone. I'm not sure I can be helped by anyone but me anyway. Sending hugs💜🤗😘
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
I think you're right, in that fight or flight energy needs to be put to good use .....
Okay .... for some people exercise does it .... they can "flog" themselves with exercise ..... just throw themselves at a high energy activity and just rage at it, burn at it .....
I'm not like that ......
I can throw myself into gardening .... with a good lot of garden and a shovel .... guess shovelling snow would be a good equivalent but that's pretty thin on the ground in Aus at the moment ..... and turning up at the beach to shovel sand around is not a pastime I have seen anyone else engaged in .....
Here's what I'm thinking ....
If you view that negative energy as currency, and you were in a marketplace, you could do one of many things with it ....
You could spend it all at once on one big item .... buy 20 watermelons let's say .... but that is not meeting a need .... that's leaving you with the problem of too many watermelons instead .... unless you give them all away ..,,
Here's the thing .... that energy has built up over days ..... it is possible, I imagine, to "spend" that energy on a range of little things ... like coming home from the market with fresh fruit and vegetables, eggs, a bunch of flowers, a new rug, a few pretty jars, fresh bread and cheese, and a bead necklace .....
As the energy is building, literally get yourself out to the farmers market .... smell the smells, hear the sounds, see the sights ..., Walk around in there engaging your senses .... it's spending energy ..,,,
Walk your dog at the beach .... climbing across the sand is a physical effort .... there is energy in the water that you wade in .... see how close you. can walk to the waves without letting them touch you, running back ahead of the wave as it runs up the sand ....
You are doing something like this at a mental level with the jigsaw puzzles .... but you need to engage that physical energy, and engage your senses ....
Cooking is another arena for this .,,, the smell of strong coffee says so .... so does fresh cut herbs .... muffins baking ... the smell of toast ....
💜
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hey .... it's 5:30am .... night is nearly over ...,
Sleep tally - 6 hours .... not bad .... and I can power nap if J want to ....
You're forgetting something here @Former-Member .... I ENJOY TALKING TO YOU .... as I enjoyed talking to others last night ....
💜
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Go cook three loaves of bread into toast and butter it all .... even if you feed it all to the seagulls, it's still better than sh .... but you wouldn't get to do that anyway .... start cooking toast in your kitchen and watch those kids come out .... chasing the smell .... they'll be fighting to get to the toast before the seagulls have it ....
💜
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Thank you @Faith-and-Hope. I pulled my post. I'm worried it's too close to home for some. I'm throwing my life away. I went to the farmers market this morning but it didn't help. I just got what I needed and got out. If my friend didn't take me I would have stayed in bed. I don't know what it will take to get me past this. I am really really messed up. I've just started back on my antidepressants but only 3days in. Lady on lifeline put it down to that but we all know that is probably only 20% of the problem at most. Pretty much it's my will power to make things better that is the problem 😢😡
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Pain and depression emerge in many forms @Former-Member .... if the AD's are 20% of the problem, then they are also 20% of the solution ..,,
Maybe walking daily is another 10% of the solution .....
Maybe extending your to-do list from feed dog, feed me, feed dog, feed me to load the washing machine, hang it out, cook one meal for the day even if it's just toast .... Tawney has lots of recipes for quick simple toast meals .... will give you another 10% with room to extend .....
That's what I meant by "spending" your energy a variety of ways. You need to learn to spend it positively instead of letting it build into a power-ball ...
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Ok you are pushing the right button I think @Faith-and-Hope. Ball of negative energy. Needing to cry but couldn't. Sooo much self hate lately. Paralysed with fear. Wanting to avoid and escape it all.
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
So can you take your dog and go for a walk to spend 10% of that self-hate and fear ? That will be 10% you're no longer carrying ....
And throw on a load of washing before you leave .....
And run a sink of hot soapy water, dump any dirty dishes you can find in it and leave then there ... they will have soaked themselves almost clean by the time you get back ... and there's another 2% or so ....
Grab a notepad, assign some percentages to tasks .... and do something .,,,,
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