I am struggling at the moment

I want to know why do these appointments turn up my self loathing dial to high. Why do I always have to feel like this after and constantly fight urges. Why do I feel so agitated and angry and hurt?

Moderators please feel free to respond too.

it would help me enormously right now if I could understand it.

Hey @Former-Member,

I think your reaction to the psychiatrist's rudeness and indifference towards you is perfectly justified. Anyone would feel less than human being treated in that way! As more of a number and a diagnosis than a real person with thoughts, feelings, experiences and questions.

Sometimes (and keeping in mind this is just from my experience, certainly not a fact..) I think that psychiatrists choose the medical route as opposed to the therapeutic one because it's more straightforward, more black and white, simplistic, methodical etc. So the type of people who are drawn to that pathway are less inclined to be understanding, empathetic and open? Of course, I'm sure there are great psychiatrists out there who completely buck that generalisation. But as I said, that's been my experience.

I'm sorry you're required to have a psychiatrist in your life to have to deal with. Especially one who makes you feel so terrible. Is there a way to make sure next time you're required to see one, you make specific plans for what you are going to do afterwards/who you are going to see etc. making sure you have plans that will pick you back up again and remind yourself of what makes you happy?

I hope my interpretation of whats going on there makes sense!!

Thinking of you

Thanks @Former-Member,

I think after reading your response one of the things that came to mind was that I feel like everything that I say in those appointments is being judged and written down to use against me later. I get paranoid in them. It always feels like my head is on the chopping block and I'm waiting for the axe to swing.

You know the thing is that nothing makes me happy anymore but some things bring more peace than others. Some things stop me overthinking and that is enough, just switching my brain and emotions off for a bit. God I wish I could do that now too. I really want to but I know I can't just in case it's permanent and I couldn't do that to my family this close to my birthday.

And yes he is very text book and black and white, and they say BPD is black and white. I have had a few experiences with very experienced psychiatrists that have been ok but I find all the ones I see through the community mental health team have very preconceived ideas and don't ever really want to hear me.

I have no idea what to do with my new script. If I'd filled it tonight I could have been in trouble. I told him I'd tried them at that dose before and they weren't effective but I'm supposed to try again for 6-8 weeks before they will increase the dose.

Dont respond to that @Former-Member

i think everyone is on a hiding to nothing at the moment with me. No one deserves my crap anymore. I am too messed up to respond without my emotions taking over. I need to find a way to switch off for a bit. I'm so sorry 😔

Eek @Former-Member

You wrote the answer here yourself - these psychiatrists contradict each other and I am wondering if they are even listening to you - it's as if they all have to be right and seeing as they have different opinions they can't all be right

You probably know more than they do

But what is it that they say that makes you hate yourself so much? I know you do - you actually used the word "loathe" and I can't imagine a more powerful word about those emotions than self-loathing - aw - you are not being treated fairly and it's as if they all give you a kick in the rear-end in passing

Really bad

You are better than that - I know you are really confused about life and the way you feel - and for some reason I see past that to a person who has had some kind of terrible psychological break - some kind of nightmare when the world came apart - and you are trying really hard to getting back to a different place - in a better state - but this is hard because you are not getting the treatment you need

In no way do I see BPD as black and white - at least - as far as my son was concerned - if his moods had colours I would have been dazzled - he was not always a thundercloud of a child - there were times when the beauty of his soul showed out - and it was wonderful

Like you - your moods vary so much there is nothing black and white there - some days you are way down - other days less so - some days okay

And I don't mind sharing with you at all - and please bear in mind I only have personal experience about BPD in my son - but I knew him very well

Lots of hugs

Dec

I've been doing jigsaw puzzles @Faith-and-Hope. It's taken some of the sting out for now. Tears have just started so I should be ok