I am struggling at the moment

Thank you @utopia, @Faith-and-Hope, @Former-Member, @Pepsimax, @Decadian, @Kurra

I'm still home. Still feeling quite messed up. My therapist sent this message last night which I didn't realise but I guess is true

"Instead of looking for reasons to live you are constantly looking for reasons to die. I can't work with that. No one can. It's needs to change".

I think I've been on a mission to self destruct since Christmas. Her message is right but it's so hard to find those reasons to live and commit to it. Does anyone else feel like this?

im not really feeling that much like communicating at the moment but am thinking of you all. Thank you for all your care and support 💜🤗

i hope you're doing ok @Pepsimax. Are you home from respite?

@Decadian my life hasn't been easy but it hasn't been very hard either and I have not had the trauma many of you had. I just broke 5 years ago and can't find a way to go back together. Depression has probably been a life friend/enemy and I've had SI on and off since about 17.

Thanks @utopia

so much for not feeling communicative I've just posted about 6. I guess there are lots of reasons to live but I can't make them enough at the moment and I really struggle to feel them. I constantly self sabotage. The other list is always longer and stronger but I feel compelled to stay and I still do this crazy dance where I fight and call out for help but then constantly want to die. Then when I SH there is always that hope I don't come back which I guess has gained much more momentum since my last SH. Anyway I'm just being philosophical about it today. I guess her message struck a chord.

I hope you are ok. It's great you've got this work. It sounds like you are on your way back. Thanks again for your support 💜🤗

oh @Former-Member I'm so sorry you have had such a crappy time.

You have so many reasons to live:

1. you are a caring lovely person who is always helping others
2. everybody on this site, I feel I can speak for and say we have all appreciated your insights and help - what would we do wihtout you!
3. just the fact that you are still fighting this battle and keeping ontop of it - you should be so proud of yourself
4. I'm sure the same applies in your personal life

One thing I want to remind you of is when I first started posting and then had that breakdown with the ED and everything - I felt exactly the same, what was the point, I dont have anyone who cares or appreciates me, I just dont want this pain anymore and want to end it but once I got back on track I cant believe what I have accomplished so far and thats thanks to people like you on this forum that have encouraged and supported me. I really thought by now I would not be around and didnt want to be either. But I also know I dont want to feel like that again so I'm doing my best to recongise when I start heading that way. I think one thing that has helped is my partner stating he doesnt want any victim or depressive talk from me. As you are probably aware if we are constantly saying or writing we cant do this whats the point of that, your brain take this in and just confirms this to itself but I have found since trying to stop the victim and negative talk I'm doing it much less as I guess I'm breaking the habit.

Funny just like you said I also stated this morning I wont post because I'm very drained and tired after yesterday but what have I done I have posted and I think its actually helped to distract myself and make me feel better.

Please take good care of yourself because I need you too!

Morning @Former-Member ....

This may seem like a simplistic thing to do, but when you wake up in the morning, can you begin "counting your blessings"? It's a thankfulness exercise, and may help to counter that wall of negativity that is trying to build itself around you ....

Be thankful for your beautiful boys.

Be thankful for your house.

Be thankful for your dog.

Be thankful for your breath.

Be thankful for the taste and smell of coffee

Add on here .....

Oh .... and work at ditching "the other list", which is what your counsellor is talking about ....

As @Change123 said, these things begin to overwrite thought patterns, and it appears to be a battle of thoughts with you more than anything else.

Counting your blessings is a form of mindfulness, but it's also a list of what is going right, and it's an exercise in focusing on what is going right, on positivity channels ....

❤️💕

I said Grace at Xmas lunch @Faith-and-Hope ..funny as you get older the old simple things seem to ring true more, re thankfulness etc

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope, @Change123

Ive just come back from an appointment with my therapist and feel a little more optimistic about things. It was a really good open session and I feel like I've got some goals and direction and understanding of what I need to do in therapy. i had completely lost my way. I also feel a bit calmer today and wondering if the effects of coming off the antidepressants are starting to subside a bit more. It's the most I've felt like myself for a few weeks. Anyway thank you for always getting me to look at different options.

My goals are not to feel or think too much. To avoid things that take me off over analysing or feeling for a bit. It's just about sticking to a few simple goals until Monday. Wish me luck with the no thinking and feeling. It's not about controlling those things but not put myself in situations that will spark off an avalanche of those things. And a bit of gratefulness will go a long way.