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I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

DecadianSenior Contributor11 Jan 2017, 11:01 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Former-Member

I guess you feel cheesed off that someone knows the specifics - I know you go through some dark places - but I don't know what to suggest

By now you probably have an email from one of the moderators - I hope this has helped

I really don't know what to suggest - I actually just realised that I never do - I find LIfe Line really helpful but other people have varying experiences - I guess it's like everything else - what works for one won't work for another

It's just my personal taste but when anyone suggests I make a cup of tea it nearly drives me crackers - coffee - fine - I will drink coffee and enjoy it - but not tea

So I am thinking - I know you are thinking SH and this means it's really bad - and you wrote this a couple of hours ago - so I am hoping you are feeling better by now

Lots of virtual hugs

Dec

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

TABSenior Contributor11 Jan 2017, 11:11 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Just a thought . Same friend who got taken away could be most wonderful person in the world. Well I bent over backwards to enable them in retrospect, but one time when on barely believable trip with me they stated that I needed to leave for 15mins so she could end it, as idea just popped up. By then I was game, well was being a right whatever. So I stayed out longer. Funny. Got a phone call just before said time limit. Anyway. Have been called hard . But sometimes..

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember12 Jan 2017, 7:48 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Faith-and-Hope, @Decadian @TAB
I made it to this morning
I'm so sorry @Faith-and-Hope. I was a long way past being able to actively do anything last night. I'm not sure what to do as there will be a discussion about hospital today. I really am very lost. Last night when I thought i was at breaking point I started saying goodbye to my therapist and asking her to sort things if I didn't make it. I've not done that before.
I'm really sorry if I scared everyone. I don't know how to get through these crisis on my own. It always feels like the end of the line and I reach out one more time but lately I don't know how to deal with it all when I do. I have just become so confused and much sadder than ever before.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor12 Jan 2017, 8:04 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

You don't need to apologise @Former-Member ... but I also understand that you want to ....

Have you considered that maybe this is many years of internal strife rising to the surface ..... and that it may bubble away for a while, then taper off ?

Parenting four children is a tall order for most people .... then you are effectively managing a blended household with a couple of mi's thrown in (not intended as blas'e) .... most non-mi people would really struggle with that loading .... you need to give yourself credit for what you are achieving.

It might feel like you are all trying to survive this, but all of you are building fortitude, management skills and having values tested along the way.

If this is unresolved emotional baggage erupting, then it will erupt and then settle into the future you, which will take some deciding on, but you can do it .... to some extent we are all in that boat when our kids grow up and leave home .... we have to decide at various stages during our life who we are, what we are worth, where the bl##dy goal posts have shifted to .....

Whatever skills you didn't learn growing up you can learn now .... it's never too late.

So glad you have surfaced ... great to see you .... ❣

❤️🤗💕🤗💕🤗💕❤️

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor12 Jan 2017, 8:10 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member

Question .... and you don't have to answer .....

You're feeling great sadness now ... were you feeling numb before ? As in absence of feeling ?

Have you onside red that it's your inner child feeling this great sadness, and that you can comfort her, and the sadness will gradually lift as she learns to be happier ?

You have mentioned exploration of sub-personalities before.

The reason I am asking is to try to light that candle of hope before you .... in case you are stuck on the idea that it all always be this way.

❤️💕🌷

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember12 Jan 2017, 8:29 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope
I honestly can't see past this just now. The thoughts have already come back this morning. I don't have any reserves left right now. I am struggling to even think about stuff outside SH and si. I know in the past everything big got buried deep. I think I need more sleep for now. Thank you again for always being there. It really helps. 💜🤗💐🤗💜

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor12 Jan 2017, 8:52 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thank you for letting me know it helps @Former-Member .... I don't want to overload you ....

Rest .... revisit when you're ready ....

Hugs n hugs n lotsa liking you ...... ❤️💕😘🤗

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

DecadianSenior Contributor12 Jan 2017, 10:35 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Former-Member

The world must be very dark atm - and I am thinking of you - you are my first post for today

I like what @Faith-and-Hope said about all of the inner turmoil rising to the top and bubbling away - and I got the idea of a volcanic landscape and how warped and damaged everything looked but I also know that the land around a volcano is incredibly fertile - so like dreams - my thought was sort of backwards or something

But I also thought that you do go through these bleak and terrible nightmares of time and you do reach out to us and to other people - and today there is some kind of discussion happening at the hospital - and I guess you are not there - or are you there now? - but whatever - it must be uncomfortable that there is a meeting happening about you - as if you have no say in it or as if you are at the end of the line - as you say

I know you have had this terrible past - and that you are building a new person - that must be hard - and honestly - I have not been there - I don't know what that's like and I have no idea what to suggest

But for what it's worth - I think my son went through that - and he was less equipped - still only a teenager - and people had meetings without me because of his privacy issues - and I was just his mother -

If I could speak to him today - what could I say to him? - would that mean anything to you?

I would tell him that I loved him - that he was valuable to me - that I cared and even though the whole situation was past me I still was part of his life. I would tell him I was worn out and could only imagine how hard it was for him.

I know it is hard for you - I don't know how hard. You are an on-line friend of mine but I have come to know you a bit during the last months and I like what you write. You matter to me. I can only imagine what it is like for you

But most of all - I care - and you are valuable and worthwhile in my sight

Love - from Decadian

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

PepsimaxSenior Contributor12 Jan 2017, 6:10 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hi Teej I haven't had any credit on my phone this week but I have been thinking of you and others on the forum I'm sorry to hear that it has been really really tough for you I hope the meeting at the hospital is of some good keep plugging away Pepsimax

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember12 Jan 2017, 6:41 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Former-Member

I hope that today was not too scary and that you are ok. just letting you know am here thinking of you,

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