I am struggling at the moment

Fits right in with the rest of us @TAB 😊❣

I guess I've always been fiercely independent with my MI @Faith-and-Hope. I don't let my kids in and it now is just part of their life me being isolated in my room. I guess by writing this post I've been able to move a step away from going to hospital and more just trying to make sense and avoid the hospital thing. My friend dropped over tonight and I pulled on the mask. I always think that no one deserves to have me burden them with my crap. I guess I need to reiterate that right now I'm really NOT in crisis but I'm just feeling low and like its so very hard to see the light.

Thanks @Former-Member. It always helps when someone connects to something I'm experiencing, it makes me feel less like a freak.

💜😊

I will get better.. I will.. not liking feeling like I am lol.

on a lighter note .. I keep thinking about the Bill Murray movie What About Bob .. dynamite therapy etc lol..

@Former-Member

I have a girlfriend with fibromyalgia .... she has always been fiercely independent with that ... I know it isn't an mi as such, but it crosses into the territory because long-term pain issues result in depression ... it's the physiology of it and chemical responses in the body to pain-related hormones.

Other people are fiercely independent about being paraplegic, or managing with disabled children, or low-income issues .... I hope it helps to know that you are not isolated in that respect.

I am wearing something of a mask in dealing with my situation, and some of that pertains to privacy, but there will probably be a time when I begin to speak out about what we have gone through, because it is important for society to know, understand, empathise, and provide for the hidden issue of "Manorexia" and what it means ....for sufferers and their families.

There is something I refer to as "intra-dependence" ....

Here is a very succinct definition:

"Beyond Independence, however, is the state of Intra-Dependence. These are individuals who have become fully Independent, but realize that they are better with others than alone. They can do more complex things and have more success if they're efforts are paired with others. Unlike Co-Dependent people, who tend use up more resources than even Dependent people, intra-dependent people are able to create new resources that couldn't be achieved otherwise and give back to society. A good way to understand the concept of intra-dependence can be seen in the animal kingdom through Oxen. Oxen can be very independent and a single ox can haul a ton of cargo. While this is not a bad amount of personal capability, it pales in comparison to what happens if you put just TWO oxen in a harness. Some might think that two could pull two tons or, at the most, 4 tons. The reality is that two oxen can pull 16 tons!!"

Jeremy Hanke - Editor - Microfilmmaker Magazine

@Faith-and-Hope. The thing is that I did tell my friend that I was struggling but it comes out in 3or 4 sentences without any emotion attached and then I change the subject. I find it really hard to show emotion. I struggle to cry and hold it all in. If I could find a way to release it I would be so many steps ahead. There is still only one way to release it which is what I'm trying to avoid. Right now I feel like if I could just deal with myself and not have to be responsible fir so many I could get through but everyday brings new triggers and stresses. One of the biggest is the new relationship in my house. No fault of hers just my brain and thoughts and anxiety. It's just not just this. Every relationship is dynamic at the moment as you can appreciate and I'm just really not coping. I feel like I can only deal with myself but haven't got a way of doing that. I am confined to my bed maybe 18 hours a day again because I'm not coping. I am so exhausted.

Pretty much @Kurra. But there was no reason for it to be today after my meltdown on Tuesday. I tried so hard to talk myself out of it. I pretty much have a good Sunday and Monday every week and then somewhere between Tuesday and Thursday I crash and stay low and out of control until sometime on Saturday. Today I had my phams worker, my son called from overseas and I was so low I only managed a short conversation and my friend dropped in and the whole time I just thought about SI or SH. I'm feeling like I'm losing control the whole time, sorry whinging lots tonight but really not looking to vent but rather looking for ideas. I don't feel like I need to talk about it but more seek help.

@Former-Member

I know the circumstances are different, so we are not comparing apples with apples here .... but when I have not been up to much and spending a lot of down-time (usually bed-based and in my room to step away from all the household relationship p dynamics) I tend to "run raids" on the rest of the house ....

I will put together a basic to-do list for the day, and armed with a highlighter - rather than crossing things out I prefer to highlight achievements - I work through it piece-meal and make it a personal challenge to "achieve the list" no matter how I am feeling.

"The List" can exist and function outside my state of mind or heart, if that makes sense ....

"Running raids" means I will leave my room, load the washing machine, start it, then return to my room. Then "x" no. of minutes, half-hours or hours later I will go to the kitchen, throw food stuff into the stock-pot, turn it on, then return to my room. It's like a deal with myself to visit the world outside my room and commit to adult responsibilities, and part of that is probably showing my kids how it's done. It's a way of keeping balance, even if it's not something many other people would relate to .... or maybe they would .... who knows ?

I guess it takes dialogue about these things before we can all have more awareness of what can be considered the spectrum of normal .... and where mi fits within that spectrum ....

Have to go feed the troops .... back in a while ....

Keep your chin up ❣

I guess I've been thinking about that too @Kurra. That Thursday's are becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. But the last two I have tried not to acknowledge that part although I guess subconsciously it must still be there. I gues s you and @Faith-and-Hope just made me realise that it's a combination of so many things. Stress is at an all time premium. I've not had so much all at once since I've been on my own. @Faith-and-Hope Much of it is dealing with emotions of family, every single family member has a crisis that they are looking to me to help or that is impacting me including the one overseas and parents. S3 is the only one not currently needing me, S2 is not in crisis but juggling everything he can.

I guess next week @Kurra I'll have to have 2 Sunday's and 2 Monday's.