I am struggling at the moment

I'm sorry to crash this but it is a Thursday (sigh) and I need my place to say I'm struggling. Today for the first time I've considered going to hospital. This signifies a change but that change would probably get me rejected from hospital too which would result in huge SH. For the past few months I have refused to think of hospital as an option because I couldn't face going through the process to be admitted. It was easier to play Russian roulette with self harm. I guess some of the discussions from here and my therapist are very slowly beginning to sink in about finding reasons to live but I still default almost every 15min to SI. But this is me in pre crisis mode, still fighting but feeling the fight slip.

I haven't felt myself for a couple of months now and I think that maybe my hormones are starting to cause chaos. This morning I woke up wanting to die, all I had was the f word in my head. This is usually a sign of bad PMS for me but I'm mid cycle. I would love to know what others experience of this is.

I read on another thread @Appleblossom that you said that psychologists would say you intellectualised (new word) things. I've been accused of that too even though I don't have an intellectual bone in my body. I only can move forward when I understand things and can make sense of them. Right now I'm trying to do that. I'm scared my time for rational thought will be soon taken over by emotions that will ultimately determine my future or possibly lack there of. I know the next SH has the potential to change my life, I've been warned by doctors but it grows bigger every week right now.

If you have any thoughts I'd love to hear them, I'm really just trying to put one foot forward again and any advice will be graciously accepted 💜😊

Hi.. tomorrow is usually better. just get through today maybe?

Sorry if it was me re 'intellectualising' comment. I can be a bit fast and loose sometimes

please talk to someone, or I'll be on here if you would like to chat. not sure how I could help tho?

well, I can listen.. :-)..

Hi @Former-Member

Glad to see you communicating about how you feel .... not sure how to answer you, but I'm in on the discussion ....

Fearing rejection from hospital .... is that based on your track record ? Or nature of diagnosis ? You don't have to answer these questions by the way ....

It just seems you understand that this is a time for reaching out for help and that hospital would be the usual path to that sort of help. Am I right ?

Keep talking ....

Someone else might understand better what you need, but I'm listening.

💜

Thanks @TAB, I can't remember your comment re intectualising but I just connected with what @Appleblossom said so I wouldn't worry. Thanks for responding and for your offer to listen. 💜😊

Hi @Former-Member

I'm sorry that you're struggling to such an extent, though i'm glad that you can say it here. I try to understand things on that intellectual level but find myself arguing with all those inner voices that seem so reasonable when i'm low that it feels so futile. At times i've had to just somehow throw myself out on a limb to trust my psychologist knows what I need... Its only when im in a better head space that i can have a clear enough head to rationalise the low thoughts... if that makes sense. But also not saying that that is what your experience is either! Just sharing in case it helps.

here listening anyway,

lj

It's probably 3 way street @Faith-and-Hope , My track record, my diagnosis and an over full public hospital system. It is still on my mental health plan and there is still meant to be an agreement with the hospital but that's all theory and probably not practice. Since they closed all the mental health respite services in June the public system is probably overflowing. It is a horrendous process to go through when sober and full of anxiety. Thanks for your response. 💜😊

Real intellectual about those penguins @TAB ❣

Sorry .... just trying to raise a bit of a smile for you @Former-Member ... you have said humour always gets through for you ....

Have you ever talked to your kids about swirling emotions and irrational thoughts ? Is that a no-fly zone for you ? The reason I am asking us because they are your nearest and dearest reason for living, and their perspective on what they perceive you are going through might surprise you ....

Please let me know if I'm right off track here ....

💜🌷

yeah, real intellectual lol

no, I dont have kids

lost/losing contact with siblings. I do understand what you are saying tho.

Good idea in theory 🙂

oops. you didnt mean me. soz mentioned my attempt at humor and mis read the rest

Can your close girlfriend or one (both ?) of your sons walk through a hospital admission process with you @Former-Member ? Would having company with you make it easier ?