@Faith-and-Hope, @Kurra, @Former-Member, @Shaz51, @Appleblossom, @Former-Member, @Zoe7, @Decadian, @Former-Member, @Former-Member, @TAB, @BlueBay
I could tag others here too, and the post is for all, but I chose the above as they have been part of my last week of craziness to which most of this post addresses.
Ok here goes. * massive oversharing warning.
Part one
my apology.
I'm so sorry I had an emotional tantrum on here the other night. The truth is I've felt that way about being the weakest link on here for a very long time but I'm sorry it all came out on here. It's not just on the forum I feel this way but in real life as well but I regret writing it, it was not a fair thing to write. I had just become overwhelmed with emotion.
Part two.
I have tried to have more control when I post on this thread in the last weeks. One of the things that is a big part of my therapy is looking at what need do I have that needs to be met for lots of different things. Often these days I think first about what is it I need by posting here and why am I doing it. This helps me to devise whether I should post here or not. Lots of times lately I've worked out that posting wont help, that it won't get the need I have met and so I try to find the thing that does help. Sometimes I can't work it out, usually when I'm in crisis and just reach out anyway. These are usually the times I lose control quickly or have already lost it. Sometimes like the post about my kids and their father I consider my need and am in control and then something else either outside or in the forum tips me over and I lose control quickly.
Part three
Just before Christmas a few things happened. I've just worked out they are all connected. One of the things was after posting I received some lovely responses but I freaked out and sent an SOS to my therapist in a panic. I have chickened out of responding. The same thing happened in the last crisis and I panicked and ran. I have got to a point where things have come to a head and I have three choices - 1) quit the forum 2) not post here anymore 3) try to explain what is going on and work through it. As scary as it is I'm trying no 3. I'd be so much better at 1 or 2.
The thing that happened is really messy for me to share. I need to say it is definitely no one on the forums fault, it is just me. I didn't know this about myself until this week. I freaked out when people were posting really caring posts about me but the clincher came when I had read a few times that I was the L word (loved). I couldn't cope with that. At first I had no clue as to why I'd reacted that way then I tried to work it out. My first attempt to understand was that the egalitarian part of me came out and I needed everyone on the forum to be receiving these messages in the same way, I felt like I was being treated differently and I hated it. I have come to understand it more during the past week. For me my first instinct was to run away from this thread and not respond which I did but I felt so guilty for not being able to respond. I start to withdraw from a few members because of it too which I felt bad about because I care for you. I thought about quitting the forum...the ultimate run and hide. A few messages back and forward to my therapist before Christmas helped me to understand a few things. For me the statement that kept coming out was that I didn't want to be loved, I wanted to be accepted for being me. Being on the forum had been safe for me because it was anonymous and distant, people were always at an arms length no matter what. And I was surprised and hurt when my rules on here were not being followed...that it is ok for me to care and I guess come to love my online friends here but it couldn't be reciprocated....that was crossing the line. I have also worked so hard not to be loved or cared for in my real life over the past five years by isolating and staying at arms length from everyone including the boys.
I'm not really sure of it all but I guess there are three parts, one being the fear of abandonment and second is something that I'm aware of but try not to think about. If I'm loved it's harder for me to leave. Having no acknowledgement of others feelings for me means that I can justify suicide much easier. Before Christmas I worked on my safety plan with honesty for the first time. The thing that became obvious was that when I was in crisis it was better to just look at the practical reasons for me to stay and steer clear of any emotional attachment. I'm now seeing that it's all connected. Lastly I guess there is always that part about not feeling like I deserve to be loved.
I have learned two things from all of this, one is about love or people caring for me and the other is about my need for acceptance of me being me in all my states of mess. A light bulb moment last night for me was if others can't accept me for me how am I ever meant to accept me. Anyway I suspect I have lots to work on in therapy and that I think my therapist is going to go grey very quickly when our sessions resume and this gets unpacked.
So where to from here on the forum and this thread. I'm not sure. I know I need it. I know I need your responses and practical support. I cried myself to sleep the other night reading them. I had not cried for two months and it was a good release. It was so much healthier than SH. Please please don't ever think I'm being ungrateful for your support, that's not it at all. I honestly don't know what I want or need in regards to the above. I hope that by writing it down here it helps us all.
Part four
an apology in advance for the crappy content of part three. I really hope no one feels bad about anything written above. I am taking a very pragmatic approach to it all and seeing it as a massive learning curve for me. Without this happening I wouldn't be in a place to understand these dynamics so you have all helped me immensely and I sincerely thank you all 💜🤗
