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I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember29 Dec 2016, 12:14 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @Former-Member.
Am I ok? I'm feeling right on the edge. This is just one of the things in my little bag of tricks playing out and the only one I can disclose on here because I carry more shame with the others. I will down pills again tonight to get through (only a little over the prescription) for the fourth night straight. But I will be safe as the kids have now come home as we finally have power...and I can distract doing jigsaws on my iPad which I was unable to do today. And we can pray that the right time of the month comes tomorrow as I'm ready to explode with my hormones. I'm so sorry that I can't be rational at the moment.
Thank you all for your input. It was what I needed to read. It helps to break the cycle in my head

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor29 Dec 2016, 12:20 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

That can't tell you now, but one day your kids will let you know how much that was worth ....

In my situation my kids have accepted that their dad is ill, and sift through his words, actions, and altered value system, looking for the remnants they can still have faith in ..... your kids will work it out .... your greatest challenge at the moment is upholding the boundaries and keeping the goal posts where they belong .....

I only have a shadow of your situation, with the threat ever present that the balance can tip .... it's fragile .....

Feel so much for both of you, and others on the tightrope ..... take courage, take heart, keep hope ... vent whenever you like .... we will even cry for you .....

❤️ @Former-Member @Former-Member

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

AppleblossomSenior Contributor29 Dec 2016, 12:22 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member

Yes We can often see further than our children can ..

but their own decision making needs exercise as do their physical muscles ..

anyway that is the law and much current thinking ..

I lost out on child support .. and I lost out on time with my daughter ..BOTH .. and my ex said he was working on manipulating those outcomes .. I let it be .. didnt give a .. re $$ .. then my mother attacked me enough regadin the lack of child support she recieved .. its the only way I can understand her behaviour to me in later years ..and her and my brother .. became patriarchal .. and pretended what my D2 was doing was karma to me ..

it is a lose lose .. for my daughter and i and for my son .. and my nieces and nephews .. the cousins .. that could have continued extended family holidays together ..

I posted the stuff about 2 Brains .. to direct to this question

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember29 Dec 2016, 12:22 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member I didn't bag their dad either but when they were teenagers I would tell them his strengths and weaknesses which I always balanced. I even came to say it as the things I loved about him so they knew they were born in love. Mine were little like yours when we split. My hope for you is that he'll stop playing mind games with you. I am grateful that mine lived interstate which helped me immensely. I can't imagine how it would have gone down living and sharing the kids. So my heart really goes out to you.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember29 Dec 2016, 12:31 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Appleblossom. As much as I try I can't imagine how you got through all that you had to deal with. It is one of the reasons I admire you so much but tonight I know I am not you. I don't have your strength or skills for some things. These things are not going to appear overnight. I also don't have the strength and perseverance you have @Former-Member. Again I put you on a pedestal for this. I know you don't see it but you have done and amazing job to get to this point with everything on your plate this year. I have no skill set to fall back on. I tried so hard not to compare but right now I am so very scared I don't have the guts and perseverance you both have or @Former-Member who I feel is incredibly courageous too. I have tears rolling down my face as I type this. I've always been the weakest link on the forum and always will be. It is what it is. 😢

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember29 Dec 2016, 12:35 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Please don't respond to that. There is no where to go with it I know. I'm ok just to leave it at that. I'm not after anything or anyone to say it's not. This is my truth and I accept it.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Zoe7Senior Contributor29 Dec 2016, 12:39 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member NO! NO! NO! NO! YOU ARE NOT A WEAK LINK - on the forum or anywhere. You are amazing. You are strong. You are courageous. You cannot be compared to anyone else because YOU are YOU. Don't underestimate how wonderful you are and how much love there is for you. All of you @Former-Member @Appleblossom @Former-Member and YOU @Former-Member have shown me the strength in sharing and the strength in having each other around. And 'what it is' is the amazingly caring soul that you are.

Sending you all my love and huge hugs

Zoe7

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember29 Dec 2016, 12:46 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member oh my... lol me on a pedestal first laugh for today! jokes... there are so many things that are so bad in my life right now, that like you... i cant talk about because of shame and complicated. i wish i was what you say...

I don't believe there is anyone on here who is a weak link... anywhere on the forums. everyone who shares their experiences and offers insight, advice, support, empathy here has strength and courage. everyone on here including you is making a difference to other people (and hopefully a difference for themselves as well). i get how hard it is to challenge the negative self beliefs.... doh... but here seeing a diff perspective.

be gentle with you, you're fragile and precious

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor29 Dec 2016, 12:50 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

You are stronger and more courageous than you can recognise in yourself at this moment @Former-Member ....

Stay safe, and we will be here for you when you're ready ....

You are making your way through this in increments, and I for one am incredibly proud to be your forum friend ....

Will be looking for you Hon ....

❤️🌷💕❤️🌷💕❤️

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember29 Dec 2016, 12:50 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Former-Member

I'm not sure if I give you any advice because I don't have any kids of my own but I wanted to let you know I am here and I am listening. There is always something you can do and we are here to support you anyway we can.

But I will say you do have skills & talent- I see these in how kind you are to other community members here and your compassion towards them and me.

And we are not here to compare ourselves to each other and you are definitely not the weakness link by a long shot, no one here is. You are strong and courageous person. One step at a time and believe in yourself.

I think a lot of your stress comes down to the finanical stuff and perhaps coming with a plan to cover the short fall in the money coming into the household. How can everyone chip in towards this.

I am not sure or what to say about your youngest boy and the relationship with his Dad because that is really complex issue .

Perhaps its about him growing up too and finding his own feet in the world I don't know but I know some boys have a tough time with their Dads at this stage in their life.

I am thinking you @Former-Member xox

PS Go gently with yourself- we all love you

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