I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member

Separation has not been my experience, but managing like a single parent is, albeit without having to earn money directly (involved in making the family business work, but that's different). I have also seen a lot of relationships where the kids are between two homes or two parents, and these are my thoughts ....

Particularly boys see things in far more black and white terms. Their judgement is less clouded by emotional backwash. When I can't see clearly and want a direct answer about something, I ask WH or my sons .... they cut to the chase, call a spade a spade .... and I think your sons' decisions are not made lightly even though they don't appear to have agonised over it the way you or I would .... they are just seeing clearly that they don't respect who their father is, and the relationship at this stage is not worth fighting for ....

WH has done the same with his father - can't respect the value system he carries, and doesn't like his character or personality ....

The relationships can be reinstated further down the line if the parties involved want that for themselves later on .... I have seen time and again relationships that I would have considered done and dusted reinstated because the times, circumstances, feelings, needs, eye of the parties involved have changed, and the basis for the relationship was reworked ....

I would support your sons decisions .... and trust to the future things that belong in the future when they are all older and maybe wiser ... certainly more worldly and more mature.

Please bear in mind that these are only my observations, and they may have value in supporting your thought processes here ....

If you do choose to support your sons decisions as they stand, then the communications with their father are their own responsibility also, and nothing to do with you - said softly .... I suggest standing back from all
of that so their thoughts and actions can be clear, and you are not caught in the crossfire .... remembering that whatever they choose to do is not set in stone .... relationships are living things .... they change and adapt. You would be wise to have a conversation with the boys, perhaps together, regarding this, and let them know how you feel, but that you will
Leave the decisions entirely to them and support them in whatever they chose to do.

That leaves the pragmatic issue of money. This should be part of the conversation with your sons as well .... you are expected to manage the household, but can't achieve that without everyone pitching in with the finances .... and if you are losing a substantial amount from your ex re child support, everyone is responsible to helping to cover the shortfall and make ends meet .... work out all together how this can happen.

I hope this helps .... my heart is with you in this tough arena, but I have faith in you .... and so do your boys .... they have chosen your value system over your ex's .... quite clearly.

❤️💕

im so sorry I can't reply properly now. So much of what you all said is right but for one part but I can't talk about it now. A few things have set me off in the last couple of hours and I'm messy. I feel like I can't take a trick right now. I am pretty screwed.

❤️ @Former-Member

Here's the angry bit. No one wins. Everyone loses much more than they bargained for. I'm the only one who can see it. I would so love to say karma came but karma gets us all. There would be no satisfaction either in karma just getting his dad. I thought there would be when S3 cut ties but I just felt sad. S4 is 16 and is going back to high school to repeat yr 11 2017. He needed support for this too.

Sorry @Former-Member, I wouldn't know where to start with all that accept to say "prepare for the worst / hope for the Best". Let your older sons email - tell their dad what they do don't want. I don't think this qualifies to stop child support under 18. Its nasty business. Do keep an accurate diary about contact...

Are you ok'ish tonight?
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@Former-Member. I know you are in hell with your situation. I predict the same for your kids one day, that they'll decide that their dad is a controlling :pile_of_poo:. My ex bagged me at every turn to the kids too. It has backfired. But there is no satisfaction or win in it. It just sucks.

exactly @Former-Member unfortunately its the kids who miss out and have hardships. people keep telling me to just keep being the safe balance to everything. i don't react when the kids come home annoyed iwth me over stuff that has been said or happened... never say a bad thing about their dad to them. but its hard to know that they go through it... and that they'll have decisions to make later on in life. all any good mum wants is for the kids to grow up loved, and safe. i dont know how i'll manage what you're dealing with. its not something i can even imagine getting to. you'll get through this, and your sons will too. nothing is irreversable either...
lj

That is another reflection of your value system @Former-Member .... you're not vindictive and your compassion over what should be prevails ....

@Former-Member is right .... find out what the legal boundaries are re child support and work from that .... if she's right, at least you won't be losing that financial support.