I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Former-Member

How are you today?

I did my first in ages- not a huge one but back to lake circuit.

Take it easy

JHi all,
I have a dilemma that is one of the many things doing my head in at the moment. I am looking for your ideas and thoughts. I have had about 20min worth of counselling on it today from my care coordinator who did take my call.

My youngest wants to cut contact with his dad. He didn't reply to his dad on Christmas Day and he doesn't intend to. He is the second of my sons to do this to their dad on Christmas Day. My issue is that although I understand the reason that they are both very hurt and angry from their dad I'm not sure that this is very helpful for all involved. I suspect that their dad has no clue as to what he has done wrong and neither would talk to him about it, they can't deal with the conflict that is likely to arise and so have cut and run. I feel like this isn't a healthy way to deal with important relationships and worry that it will teach them to avoid conflict in relationships and just cut them when they are difficult. Part of me has thought about butting in and writing to their father to let him know. He is at fault with this but how will he know better and learn from it if he doesn't know what's wrong too. I was warned to talk this over with my son and to accept his decision no matter what. There are a few generations on his fathers side who have just walked away from difficulties in relationships without trying, including their father with me. I see the long term pain and distrust and anger that will continue from this when for me I see it as solvable. It won't necessarily stop the father from being a :pile_of_poo: but maybe he can work through it better than now. S3 has no hope of sorting this out but he is a very different kid with a lot more difficulties. To me it also feels like S4 is copying s3 as he saw him 'get away with it'.

The hardest part is that I'm trying to sort out my values with it all. There is a sting in the tail which is complicating it all for me. Their dad can stop child support which makes up over a third of my income. Some I'll get back from Centrelink but their will be a shortfall. I was counting on another year to get better to try and get work to make this up. It will have a huge impact on very frail living conditions here both emotionally and physically.
I've been someone who has given too much in the past to keep relationships going mostly at my expense so I'm really not sure where the line is.
A penny for your thoughts.

Hi @Former-Member Sorry to hear about your dilemma. It's a really tough one. I'm not sure I have any words of wisdom or solutions for you - not having kids I don't really feel like I even have a right to try and put myself in your shoes. Sometimes though when relationships have such a negative impact upon your life it is ok to severe them. I know you want to look after the long term impact upon your son but maybe that is his responsibility and his decision to make. My only suggestion, from personal family experience, is talk to your son first before his father as it could have a greater impact upon you and your relationship if you went against his wishes. Hope this makes sense. You don't need to take any of it on board though!

Am thinking of you and hope others have greater insights for you

PS I may not respond as I only have 11% battery on my phone, none on the iPad as we still have a black out and looks like we may have for the rest of the night.

PPS I have already talked my son and told him that I think he should consider talking to his dad as he is still so young and he might regret it later.

Thanks @Zoe7. My care coordinator said the same about getting permission before I spoke to their dad. We have not had any communication for about 6 years so it would take me right out my comfort zone. The thing is their dad is oin the same profession as you and should get some of this but doesn't have a clue.

When you are ready @Faith-and-Hope I'd love to hear 💜🤗

@Former-Member I'm glad you have talked to your son Keep that dialogue going.

I have found over the years that the majority of people I have worked with actually don't get it. So many are so self absorbed. I call it the 'middle class syndrome'. They are so apathetic. They live in their little middle class worlds, have never known what it is like to be without or struggled, and certainly don't understand how MI really affects someone - not everyone of course - but so many. I don't know the boys' father but if he is anything like some of the people that I've worked with it would be a case of 'you can't know what you don't know' and experience is everything - you can't always explain to someone something they have not lived or simply don't want to understand.

@Former-Member

For what it is worth

I can tell you my experiences .. which is not the same as an opinion .. but might help you find what is best in your circs

with D! I perservered .. with taking her to access for years (when she was (7-13) to her biol mother .. becasue I thought that was my moral responsibility .. however .. by the time she was 13 .. there was no point pushing it .. she was deeply ashamed of her mother and mother's immaturity and neglect. D1 likes to be IN TOTAL CONTROL of whom she is or is not in conatct with. That is a freedom more common these days than has been in the past .. eg with blocking on devices etc ..

The mother kept phoning me even after I left ex .. and had not seen D1 for years .. they were ways to feel contact when things are prematurely severed.

When I went to court for access to D2 when she was 14 - the magistrate took immediately against me .. said he had prior connection with people with my name .. of whom I knew none .. as dad had died without rellies. and told me that they were old enough to make that decision ..

Access and child support are not supposed to be related .. apparently ..

Whatever happens .. who can state your belief to your sons .. but the relationships with their father .. is really between them .. we can facilitate .. but it is their life

You will find ways to survive financially .. our life-styles can be inflated .. kids learn best when things are simple .. it could also be his way of teasing out what is going on between his parents .. pre-consciously ..

I dont know more .. to have an opinion .. how old is he??

my son sorts all those things out himself .. I havent managed it since he was 18 .. my son has both cut off and reinstated connection .. depending on what was going down .. they have a dignity in being the one to make the decision ..right or wrong ..

Hi @Former-Member

I forgot how old your youngest son is but I think he is over 16 which means he has certain rights and if he doesn't want to talk to his father - then that's his right

But there are agencies who offer councelling on this - but if he doesn't want to talk to his dad - it's better to let the pot cool and hope for better in the future

As someone said there is no connection between access and child support - but it will be tense for which ever way it turns

And I don't think he is getting away with anything - because S3 doesn't want to see Dad S4 might be following suit - but I think he will make up his own mind if you have a few words about this with him but don't pressure him

Tough stuff I know - but don't spoil the connection you have been yourself and S4

All the best with that - and yes - get some help - some suggestions from people who know more of the story

All the best with that Teej

Dec