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I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.
@Faith-and-Hope Are you around? It's ok if you are out. I'm guessing this is tourist time for you
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi @Former-Member .... right here .... on a train for the next half hour .... all ears .... 👂👂
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Loved the ears @Faith-and-Hope.
Ok one of the things I was hoping to work out with my phams support worker was about the next weekend. I have been invited out to a Christmas get together with all my old friends of 30years. But if I go I could come undone after. I am so lucky and grateful that they still care for me but they don't get how hard it is. You will know that this is spiky for many reasons, some to do with my ex. But mostly they want to fix me and I'll be told what I need to do to get my old life back. None of them have a clue I can't ever be that person again. I got broken and wont glue back the same way. Your thoughts?
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Glad you can see it so clearly @Former-Member .... and clearly you don't need to be told, despite them being very well intentioned perhaps, how to get yourself "fixed". So proud of you, because even in asking the question you are recognising that your life circumstances changed, and your needs have changed accordingly ....
You have a choice really .... and once upon a time, my choice would opribably have been to sit down with a few key people and explain the circumstances you have found yourself managing now ... and you still have that amongst your choices if it suits you .... but it means that your business is then out there on the grapevine and out of your control as to who knows what about you, and how far that travels to whom ....
This is where, when well, my WH was a great teacher of recognising and prioritising your own private space in the world .... this advice would have been his ....
Politely turn down the invitation, citing a prior engagement if you wish - not lying in that cos personal time with yourself is a legitimate prior engagement ....
Set about creating your new life within your new boundaries, and thru TAFE and other places you will gradually pick up a new crowd who work with your new life - no apologies ..... part of moving forward .....
Try to be in the moment, ditch the guilt, and at least find parts of the journey to enjoy and celebrate ....
Breathe ... smile ... laugh .... all elements of healing ....
❤️
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
I guess you hit the nail on the head for most of it @Faith-and-Hope. At some stage I need to carve out a new life and make new friends for the person I will become. I am struggling to let go but at the same time don't belong. They all pretty much know where I am at. Word of mouth gets around quick although they won't know I messed up last weekend. I guess I was thinking how hard it is to put on all the masks but try to be me (whoever that really is). Our lives have diverged so much but I do have 30 years of good friendship and raising our families together, family holidays etc together. One of the things that I haven't mentioned on here is that in the last few months I have been reconnecting with my old best friend and it is going ok. It was immensely rocky at the beginning but lately we can find this nice middle ground and I'm not overanalysing it so much. It's not much, a coffee here or there and an occasional phone call. She'll be there too. One of my friends has paid for my accomodation too but the thought of staying is freaking me out and I'd have to give up my last therapy appointment before Christmas. I feel so very guilty because they always extend the hand of friendship but it is sooooo hard to connect again.
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
If they already know where you're at @Former-Member .... then be honest with them and tell them you have to take it very, very slowly, and still get spooked in crowds ....
It will take time, but it sounds like you will end up with a blend of old and new.
❤️
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Thanks @Faith-and-Hope💜🤗💐😘enjoy the rest of your day🚘🚈🚝🚍
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi @Former-Member
Am in the midst of the usual crazy morning rush.. having my coffee and catching up on things a lil bit here. But i wanted to say that your post came across to me as really hopeful. It's not easy where you are right now.. there are issues and difficulties but you are also seeing some glimpse of the future you want to have with the friends that you want to have in your life. I wish it were easier to reconnect quickly, to be able to slip into the crowd immediately... sigh.. but it is possible in the future...
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