Feeling Gutted and agitated

Thank you @Former-Member

Rocking has stopped, through self into a few hours of cleaning, a little leg shakes, but ok.

Not wanting to talk much or use throat ... so good I am on my own.

Had a quick chat to new neighbour (9 months) ... she seems lovely ... slowly building mutual respect.

Had a visit from old friend whom also triggers me a lot. We had not spoken since a few months after my mother died. He kind of does the 360 degrees bull in a china shop ... means well a lot of the time but throws his unacknowledged anger around .. that seems to be the trick ... vent it without being noticed hmmmm ....

He wanted a 2nd chance ... and of course I gave it to him ... strictly friends ... tho he had wanted more eventually he has stopped hassling.

Can I ask what people here, including the mods, think about the phrase "topped yourself"?

I find it too casual and brutal ... so I wish he would not use it. What do you think?

Hi @Appleblossom

I can understand most of what you write - and have no trouble with the rest so it's fine with me

btw - I did a little research on something you were looking up - can't find it now - but still I can tell you that it's British slang - and hard to find anything much about it

I like the intellectual side of your writing - love a good throught provoking read - sometimes I reply to a comment that makes me think a lot - other times I don't - it really depends on the subject

But wtg - we do not write nor speak to the lowest common denominator - that would not be at all enlightening

Keep up the good work - I know there are times when you are battling a lot

Best thoughts

Decadian

I slept 13 hours today and got up just in time for choir .. 6 pm well not really embarrassed ... I will tip the sleep thing around eventually ... most important to just do the essentials in as good a frame of mind as possible.

I am glad my son is home and ok ..

Thank you all for walking on the journey with me.

So not distressed tonight.

Yes I have been a big believer in doing the necessary ... then try for more ... that is possible and dont hanker after the impossible ... just keep steadily moving tho .. after many lie downs .. lol ...what your quote says .. I didnt know of it as a quote til now

I actually asked the old conductor of the church choir for "Sanctuary" when I was still married (I have known him for 20 years as he also taught my mother).. my mother had sung in it and my father had taken me to the church when I was a little girl .. and I love the ideals behind it ... but ... church is really in a sorry mess ...

Actually @Former-Member the people in this other newer choir ... are probably better quality people and better quality musicians ... and they support young singers with scholarships

I have been thinking about it this past week ... what to do ... my struggle to love in personal relationships and in prayer and in social responsibility ... which will endure hostility ... seems an outmoded way of coping ... due to my childhood situations ...

I was with a tiny band of "silent protestors" ... and a Royal Commission was anounced ... unfortunately what was revealed to me was so much corruption and attempts at hiding ... . it really has been an incredible journey ...

when I joined the choir and some one started a gossipy comment I said ... "I have enough scandal in my family to keep the whole city happy for 20 years" ... then the media about the institutional child sex abuse exploded. It had just been my quite little crazy story. Now everybody is talking about it.

I know that it is hard on died in the wool churchy types who think we are just stirring up trouble .. but my whole approach and body language was not of that style so I did fo rce people to re-think their attitudes .. As in all groups there are a mix ... and some have been wonderful .. My story confronted them deeply even if I did not, but it has been difficult ...

In the meantime I will get to see my old teacher in a few months whilch will be good.

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@TAWNEY wrote:




Oh how I can relate to not being able to sing. In my early 20's I was lead singer in a gospel band, having opera training and all of a sudden I started to cry every time I sang. It was so hard to hide it and holding back rge tears just put a lump & tightened & dried the throat and I started singing that little bit flat. I started to withdraw. When I disclosed to a group how I was feeling, all they seemed to interpret it as a lack of faith that made me unsuitable for the role. I was crushed. Knowing what I know now about depression, and triggers,

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Hi @Former-Member

When I read how your trouble singing was interpreted as a lack of failth I felt enraged - how dare they?

Then I calmed down and thought - no - it's their lack of faith that caused this callous reaction -

When I went through the darkest years of my life I was told to prayer harder, to have more faith, to "let go and let God" whatever that means - to "Give God a rest" which I thought that God needed an extra day if rest with my son in the world -

Heaven help me - a person of true faith will not blame you for a lack of faith - even the least of these little ones etc - where do people get off -

It comes down to interpretation but if one - you, me - everyone - the whole choir of heavenly voices - cracks with emotion at the really heart-moving parts of our faith they do not have sufficient understanding

I have a friends I see occasionally - she liked to go to church with me and usually had a beer or a toke before we went - which I thought was strange - but people are who they are - she couldn't go without something to protect her from the raw side of religion

But was this a lack of faith? - I don't think so - she had the faith for that part of her journey

People dare do say such things - I can read your faith in these forums @Former-Member - it's there -

I have been a chorister for many years - and I could not sing at my parents' funerals - emotions can tie our vocal chords

Thinking of you

Decadian

Thank you all for supporting me during this flare up.

I need to be able to realistic about how often I am triggered so am going over old posts It is fairly regularly these days I guess. I am not actually feeling as bad as during the period of this thread as I am taking more and more meds. I need to be careful when I think I am not supported as I am. So thanks again.

@Former-Member Your feelings about singing and being triggered is natural. As singers we are very open and vulnerable ... our instrument is also our body and emotions. It was horrible that your singing was cut short by the groups ignorance.