Feeling Gutted and agitated

Thanks for replies

@Former-Member with the gender thing I am used to jumping on both sides.

Trusted men in a matey way more than girls and women when young. Had no money for extra clothes than the essentials to stop me from being locked up as a streaker ... wrote about my stint as a life model ..etc .. Sewed clothes rather than bought them even suits for work .. a bit home-made looking but modest respectable etc ... Clothes could not have passed in the private sector but fine for the public. Was tomboyish ... rode motor bikes and fixed them a little bit .. but no major mechanic ... and math science meant I got on with tekky and science types and first 3 relationships were with that type of male. I cant stand women that rip men off ... so for a long time was more male identified than female ... but I have girl plumbing ... lol ..and finally girly clothes .... then I will deliberately wear in my old heavy field trip boots just to make a point that I dont have to be a posy rosy... just sometimes its nice.

Hence half bloke jokes and Jungian theory (Yes @PeppiPatty) ... as one model for integration of "the self"

With your level of dissociation ... there might be other better models for you to integrate and stabilise your feelings .. dont know .. glad you have a decent therapist ... dont understand your triggers ...

.. back then as did physics at school but ran away from home ...

My new psychologist is struggling with psychotic and functioning combination ... but a lot of us seem to have it.

Sometimes people then accuse us of 'putting it on' .. but the stuff a lot of us do is no joke ... I cant speak for everyone ... as there may be a few mere drama kings and queens around ... getting off on their own drama so to speak ... but I am wary of ever presuming.

deep respect and appreciation to all have supported me in this journey.

I always give points for trying ...

its important to distinguish between those that do and dont.

Anyway ... it so helps me

1) to post on here

2) to feel heard and respected and not walk the journey alone.

3) too much going on so havent explained this current manifestation to my new psychologists.

4) Yay for peer support.

@Decadian Yes there is a lot of need. The TV I watch is ABC SBS and NITV. I feel closer to idigenous as had many same issues and met lots on my journey.

I am sure I would have posted different things if the system was managing fine and people were not dying ... but ... it is what it is ...

what to do ...

Dear @PeppiPatty I read fantasy to keep in touch with my children growing up .. but I am just not that interested now ... but you enjoy Bella

I am reading pharmacology at the moment ... bloody does my head in ... so just a bit at a time.

I know what you mean about academia .. but I am mixing with a lot of academics at the moment and a lot of them ... drop their guards and can be human too.

---

@Decadian Yes there is a lot of need. The TV I watch is ABC SBS and NITV. I feel closer to idigenous as had many same issues and met lots on my journey.

I am sure I would have posted different things if the system was managing fine and people were not dying ... but ... it is what it is ...

what to do ...

---

Hi @Appleblossom

I really care and was not at all surprised when I saw that there was to be another Royal Commission - and wonder whether I should get involved again

Enough prodding and I might - but I did all of that between 1986 and 1996 and stopped - feeling I had done enough

It scares me rather to get involved again - which is not that I don't care - I do - but I feel I have worked hard to get past so much stuff in my past - and my adopted son from the Stolen Generation is something I hold sacred - and it has been hard to get past a lot of it

Those buildings have been gone a long time now - and I do wonder a lot - but we all have to care for ourselves ultimately - and I don't want to go along that path again

But when I did visit my son in Juvenile Detention there were words written in well done Art-Graffiti-Style - and it read

"Who build Thebes of the Seven Gates? History books say the Kings - but did the kings carry the lumps of stone" [Brecht]

I carried my lump of stone there for months - and the years after that I worked on the Royal Commission into Aboriginal Deaths in Custody and the 1996 Task Force into Youth Suicide.

I can't do it again - it would be too much. However - I am still interested - and if there were something I could do without immersing myself too deeply - I would consider it

Decadian

I understand @Former-Member

I have never wanted anyone to read my private thoughts either - and as far as I know - no one has

But I do write a lot into my computer and then delete most of it - at least I have read and hopefully taken it what I have written - and the delete key takes it all away

Also - a lot of my writing contains my story - and this I keep - not that I think I will ever do anything about having my story published

But journaling is a good way to keep track of our journey

But be careful what you write - we should all be careful of that - we do not want the private thoughts in our hearts read by unhelpful people who will most likely make everything worse

All the best with that

Decadian

I lost a long post responding to everyone. Will try and get it from autosave ... but its not behaving properly.

I havent read @Former-Member's yet

Go @Former-Member Girl Power

I did 2 drug free child-birth deliveries. Researched homebirth but settled on birthing centres in hospital as I already had a lil one in tow.

That sounds right @Former-Member

Whatever we read and whatever we hear always feeds our unconscious mind in some way - and it may be uncomfortable at times - but this is not always bad

However - we need to be mindful of our mood - if we feel we can't take on a heart-tearing movie or a deeply challenging book then it is better not to

The book that challenged me the most was not a book on my reading list - it was The Woman's Room where I could find myself at that time in my life - I went back to school when I was in my 30s

And yes - what you write is true - we always take something away after the theatre particularly - I saw The Medea and I felt I really understoof Medea - and The Trojan Women - and really understood those women.

Also I saw Cosi van Tutti - opera - and took the pure humour - luckily they translated it into English - and I can say I really enjoyed myself

I really like what you wrote

Decadian