Feeling Gutted and agitated

darling friend, Apple

I'm here for you, cherub. When you write your body is holding all our emotions: someone called me a nutter twice today and we got back in the car and I was so so upset, it took me all day to calm down.

Thank you for defining it what happened to me.

You are loved @Appleblossom - even if your life-experiences and orders even - have made that hard to believe -

As a Community Guide you might feel a need to go back through your old posts - or maybe part of being a Community Guide is going back over all the posts - but ah - just maybe

We can leave the past in the past - even leave yesterday in the past - anything we read in our old journals etc are now - today - out of context - we change, we grow - and life gets different

And you are supported - I read what people write here - not that I read everything - but you are loved her and respected here and have a lot to say about the areas of life where you have been active - and there are many

All the best

Decadian

Thank you very much friends.

@Former-Member When I filled the script of the anti-psychotics the lady in the chemist who knows me a little by sight .. asked me how I was going .. she is a bit bogan ... I said "shi thouse" and she chatted with younger one about madness and how she swears her head off in a breezy inclusive way. It was ok but I wasnt up to laughing and then I fumbled with the eftpos and started to cry .. we handled it briefly.

The thing is ... I know I did not cause the madness or suicides of the others ...if it helps my son that I am on heavier meds and might even get a label this time, then that is a better outcome .. than if his illness escalates .. but he hasnt been easy.

Still havent got a pdoc ... not up to doing all the walking because my clinics' fax machine doesnt work or the medical receptionists are more interested in looking nice and looking busy and not capable of finding out correct fax numbers. it is a systemic problem at their desk. I have already extended enough energy in the matter .. Might look elsewhere.

Gone back to doing the course on Caring for Psychosis... it is mainly confirmation but good people running it and doing it.

wish i could sit with you irl. sometimes people 'understanding' is just as bad as not understanding.. or maybe its just the timing of it. gah. its always hard to be in that position where it's someone who you know personally in some way and then they have more info about you that you wouldn't normally tell them.

in some ways.. in regards to your son, is it possible that he now needs to take some more responsibility for himself, though i understand that he has special needs as well that make him more vulnerable than other young adults. Perhaps he needs a support worker who can help him to take control of his life, get centrelink stuff organised etc. because you need all the resources you can both get.. especially at the moment.

I think it is extremely slack of the clinic that you are having to rely on that are not doing their jobs properly. would it be possible to make a phone call to the support worker (i can't remember the organisation) that you were going through last year to get some advocacy on your behalf? you shouldnt need to follow all this up on your own - feeling quite frustrated for you.

Glad you are back to your course, hopefully both the information and academic nature of it will give you soem support and/or be distracting and purposeful.

here with you anyways,

LJ

Absolutely agree re son getting help .. that is part of the pressure, but he has rejected it for the most part, although yesterday he was looking up mental health sites. So maybe that will change. Believe me I have tried ways of getting him to face up to responsibility short of throwing him out.

He has been saying things that I am deliberate when I cant handle things and get into a dither and actually has been a quite arrogant with me around music .. He does have some of his father in him ... but I have gotten them off the hook again and again ... understanding their situations ... I have just had no choice to let go more and more.

When I am not well I go from 1-100 instantly in frustration with digital media. So although mostly I am becoming a digital user .. it still can get delicate nervy and panic. Its why I dont like using phones. If I lived in a home where I had control I could probably work things out ... as I have done a bit of electronics and comp programming. But I dont really have the motivation if there is always some kind of dig. I asked if I could set up things so I could do normal watching or tele or listen to music .. but that got a funny swapping "this for that" game. He really does not want to "co-operate" with me .. like his father .. but have me in a role of servitude.

I have walked around him on eggiest of eggshells .. we need more support in this family or things could blow up ... the best I can think of now is to give in to medication. .. I can still do the shopping, pay the bills (just) and cook and clean.

Today I posted a 7 item snailmail to Centrelink. I am getting agitated around devices and cant access my Gov account and couldnt set up my first skype session etc. There is a little power game about access to the net and computers ... ie in that my ex was in IT.... It has been ongoing for 15 years since I left so for the most part I detached, rather than be impressed by new technology ... did my postgrad while at the local library .. and just let him have complete control of devices... but I am not an uptodate tekky.

It may happen with this site ... when my head has spun out so much that I can no longer access it ... or I get frightened of touching keyboard as being evil as being associated with my ex. You can see how the paranoia could manifest. I hope I dont get there.

I am expecting my son back soon. I hope he is ok. He didnt answer his phone.

Rather than 2 cadres of separate medical teams tho .. it would be better if there were some links ... so I did ask Centrelink to refer us to a social worker .. but probably it will get lost in the mail ..

But this isnt about him .. he was a bit quiet & cynical but thats his father too ... he also was scared ...this episode is about me .. and my access to help whether it be medical or otherwise .. I would prefer to take all the meds under the sun if it would mean he had less chance of developing bad side effects.

I am wanting to put blocks up ... and get legal advice ... my boundaries need protecting.

I finished my week 2 of the "Caring for Psychosis" course ahead of time ... I can also be incredibly capable... if its all flowing.

Thank you all

heya, i think you're right, first all you can do, is focus on you and getting yourself to be an ok place. I really hope that things don't deteriorate to worse symptoms.

I hope that centrelink does catch up with you... before 2018...

When you write that you want to get legal advice, i wasn't sure what that was about? Are you worried about being given a treatment order?

lj

No @Former-Member I really ought to have a will .. given kids' complexities .. there is superannuation I am owed from a consent order 15 years ago .. I am too anxious to go to a solicitor at the moment .. but been putting it off too long.

@Former-Member Thank you. You are good at noticing things I am ok. I panicked about everything at once, any loose threads worried me. Mostly things are pretty organised. I am taking my meds, but worried as it makes doing music a bit more wooden.

I should read through my download of

2014 Mental Health Act.

How are you going?