AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Feeling Gutted and agitated
Feeling very agitated about 2 relationships in my life. I always start out optimistic but things backfire and somehow I feel very unworthy of any relationship.
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Feeling Gutted and agitated
118 replies
In response to: Feeling Gutted and agitated
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: Feeling Gutted and agitated
How are you going @awa09804 ?
You have met a few of us now 😊
In response to: Feeling Gutted and agitated
Unknown userMember
Re: Feeling Gutted and agitated
How are you going @Appleblossom? Seen you around but not sure how things are really travelling for you at the moment.
In response to: Feeling Gutted and agitated
Unknown userMember
Re: Feeling Gutted and agitated
@Decadian, you cracked me up saying "winter's a waste of time" Tanka for the laugh, i'll pobably chuckle about that on & off the rest of the day. lol
In response to: Re: Feeling Gutted and agitated
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: Feeling Gutted and agitated
Im glad you enjoy the funny side @Former-Member
I am so fed up with the weather I can't seem to get out of my own way - I need some exercise that's what the trouble is
I woke up to sunshine - ha - posting something in the forum was worth the effort - I got up and opened my computer and before I had time to even put my password in the weather was closing in again - oh well - I did have a dream that I was in a plane and about to fly through a thunderstorm - it's a bad sign when the weather gets into our dreams
Today I see my psychologist - probably for the last time - she is moving to Sydney - and I feel bleak about so many things - I got through the anniversary without too much trouble and learned that all that happened to me when I was a child - all that was traumatic - won't go away - it will always be in my memories - and my sister will always be toxic and that is the end of the penny section - I will see how I go without my psychologist. I have learned I will have to live with my memories - and I did not cause what happened to me - in fact I triumphed over all of that - but I still feel cold and rotten to my bones and wish I did not
Decadian
In response to: Re: Feeling Gutted and agitated
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: Feeling Gutted and agitated
Hello Sane Forum
I am back to feeling gutted and agitated.
Had a setback after seeing the spit hood and restraint chair online.
I dont deliberately retraumatise myself. I spent less than 30 seconds looking at the news report ... certainly not a whole documentary.
Played Beethoven for 2 hours ... got out Book 1 and just worked through that
The Pathetique helped especially ... but too distressed to do fast movements
The Waldstein is in Book 2 may yet need to go through both books .. the way I am feeling ... andyway that is current game plan.
Certainly could not sing as I had planned.
I feel like its gotten into my throat too.
Listening to other people's music doesnt do much good for ...too much on the surface.
Sad to see they havent been able to improve the situation for young people today.
SO I guess the spit hood it to enforce medication compliance. ... BUT why also a blind fold .... that is unnecessary and therefore yes torture.
many of these faces
I tried to sleep but my son returned home early. The plan was he was to be home for dinner tonight.
He is very low.
I am very glad I pre-empted the situation last Saturday in the manner I described. I being clear in the father's presence .. that my son had delicate situation to negotiate with his own
Just needed to make an update.
I am NOT well ... pressure on neck serious ... not triggered by piano playing this morning as I played only things that were comfortable within my technique. @KurraEg My rendering of Pathetique was partly with soft pedal on and all very gentle.
We are all struggling on the forum and off the forum ... I am trying to remain calm ... not catastrophising ... reaching out ... not pretending ... no masks ... not using euphemisms ... I hope my language is suffficiently polite and respectful ... I am not sure now due to little interaction with @CherryBomb on email. I will close computer and try and sleep again.
regards to all
Apple
edit for typos
In response to: Feeling Gutted and agitated
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: Feeling Gutted and agitated
🌷💕
In response to: Re: Feeling Gutted and agitated
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: Feeling Gutted and agitated
thanks @Faith-and-Hope
just resting ... as ex husband will arrive in about 1/2 hour.
In response to: Feeling Gutted and agitated
Unknown userMember
Re: Feeling Gutted and agitated
Hi @Appleblossom, is this the thread, your thread? Feel for you, being "back to feeling gutted and agitated" i'm guessing the "spit hood and restraint chair" is a trauma a glance made you relive. Gosh, you sure have endured much.
Its good you play piano, they say its a form of mindfulness. Don't think I could do 2hrs - does it help? I only got to 5th grade. Must pull out my Beethoven music, remember loving 'Moonlight Senata' When you say fast pieces are too hard when you're distressed - what do you mean? Concentration? Are you Sounds like you're almost concert pianist level, wow?
Oh how I can relate to not being able to sing. In my early 20's I was lead singer in a gospel band, having opera training and all of a sudden I started to cry every time I sang. It was so hard to hide it and holding back rge tears just put a lump & tightened & dried the throat and I started singing that little bit flat. I started to withdraw. When I disclosed to a group how I was feeling, all they seemed to interpret it as a lack of faith that made me unsuitable for the role. I was crushed. Knowing what I know now about depression, and triggers, it was around that same time I relived a childhood trauma that out of the blue came to my memory like a horror movie rerun after 12yrs suppressing it. Offenders I'd been interacting with for years as if nothing ever occurred suddenly never looked the same & I avoided them... Its like my 'successful' life as I knew it (RN midwife come muso etc), was all a big lie. But then I had no support so kept withdrawing from life 'till major breakdown 3yrs later. I sure know about the singing thing. Sounds like you are very in tune with yourself apple, and have some learned skills to put into place to get through. Did you have to cancel any formal arrangement? When you say it's gotten into a our throat - do you mean RTI or emotions?
Is Listening to other people's music making you upset? .
Sorry you had to be restrained in 1976 during a psychotic break (LSD & AB's drug interaction), that must have been horrible. It was 1976 I also experimented with LSD in bad company, but never had that trauma thank God.
I'm not surprised if your mother's presence triggers you, mine does big time.
You made me think, is it really possible to "get to the bottom of our triggers" ?? So many of them are subconscious, suppressed to protect our sanity. I still amazed I suppressed my worst CSA for 12yrs, facing that one incident changed who I was, I've never been able to function as I did before my conscious adult brain was smashes by it. Confronting that offender had him tell me there were many times. I can't recall, feel it's there but I'm now scared, no, terrified of my memories, what they can do to me. You're brave wanting to "get to the bottom of it" - I just as soon let sleeping dogs lie, but we're all on a different journey, please go gently with yourself Apple.
This is hard, i have to take a break & come back later. Stay strong but be kind to yourself. xox
Its good you play piano, they say its a form of mindfulness. Don't think I could do 2hrs - does it help? I only got to 5th grade. Must pull out my Beethoven music, remember loving 'Moonlight Senata' When you say fast pieces are too hard when you're distressed - what do you mean? Concentration? Are you Sounds like you're almost concert pianist level, wow?
Oh how I can relate to not being able to sing. In my early 20's I was lead singer in a gospel band, having opera training and all of a sudden I started to cry every time I sang. It was so hard to hide it and holding back rge tears just put a lump & tightened & dried the throat and I started singing that little bit flat. I started to withdraw. When I disclosed to a group how I was feeling, all they seemed to interpret it as a lack of faith that made me unsuitable for the role. I was crushed. Knowing what I know now about depression, and triggers, it was around that same time I relived a childhood trauma that out of the blue came to my memory like a horror movie rerun after 12yrs suppressing it. Offenders I'd been interacting with for years as if nothing ever occurred suddenly never looked the same & I avoided them... Its like my 'successful' life as I knew it (RN midwife come muso etc), was all a big lie. But then I had no support so kept withdrawing from life 'till major breakdown 3yrs later. I sure know about the singing thing. Sounds like you are very in tune with yourself apple, and have some learned skills to put into place to get through. Did you have to cancel any formal arrangement? When you say it's gotten into a our throat - do you mean RTI or emotions?
Is Listening to other people's music making you upset? .
Sorry you had to be restrained in 1976 during a psychotic break (LSD & AB's drug interaction), that must have been horrible. It was 1976 I also experimented with LSD in bad company, but never had that trauma thank God.
I'm not surprised if your mother's presence triggers you, mine does big time.
You made me think, is it really possible to "get to the bottom of our triggers" ?? So many of them are subconscious, suppressed to protect our sanity. I still amazed I suppressed my worst CSA for 12yrs, facing that one incident changed who I was, I've never been able to function as I did before my conscious adult brain was smashes by it. Confronting that offender had him tell me there were many times. I can't recall, feel it's there but I'm now scared, no, terrified of my memories, what they can do to me. You're brave wanting to "get to the bottom of it" - I just as soon let sleeping dogs lie, but we're all on a different journey, please go gently with yourself Apple.
This is hard, i have to take a break & come back later. Stay strong but be kind to yourself. xox
In response to: Re: Feeling Gutted and agitated
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: Feeling Gutted and agitated
Thank you so much for your reply. @Former-Member T
Take time out as needed but I have valued our online friendship.
No this is not my thread .. there is an Original Poster OP idea in some forums. I realy dont think it should be hard and fast .. but just respectful of the OP's intention.
There had been a habit when i first joined this forum that lively extrovert types might 'unwittingly' hog and take over a thread and turn it into a chat, when it appeared to me that the OP was in genuine NEED and was being overlooked. So I occasionally bring it up ... that is all ... I am more robust, even in current crisis, as I have financial security and a home, than some of our other posters.
We do have a great deal in common. @Former-Member 1) level of family MI involvement. 2) creative interests and spirituality
I am shifting my interest over to my writing and MH activism.
Just that I had planned to some singing before I saw the news report.
ie my style ... hop on computer do some music .. do some household activity and keep rotating that sequence.
No the throat thing is not a respiratory tract infection ... just dry and delicate and tender and emotional ...and a bit subdued .. so I matched my son's mood when he came home.
... with triggers from a wide variety of sources. I am journalling and writing about. No you are right we can probably never be totally on top of triggers and MH issues, but as I age and there is less family pressure ... it tends to be easier to be clear ... thats all ....
I love to listen to other people's music, friends, students, performers etc. But I have always been on a budget so not spent much on going out or buying records or CDs. Also not allowed to choose the radio or what is on the stereo for a long time ... so kind of just gave up ... trying to get back to being able to put on other people's music but set up is not connected properly yet ... if it is something I ask for it can get put off til kingdom come ..
Thanks again
In response to: Feeling Gutted and agitated
Unknown userMember
Re: Feeling Gutted and agitated
❤🌹
