Somethings wrong

Hi @CheerBear nice to 'meet' you.

I guess my Bub is soon to be a toddler, not sure when they qualify for that. He's 11 months. I'm a single mum. I do have family close by and they give some practical support (eg come over and play with him so I can clean the bathroom) but don't know about my struggles really. My family aren't openly emotional people. I had always thought I had an avoidant attachment because of that but realising it's more disorganised internally. I know that probably doesn't make sense but the point is it's a new realisation I guess that's hard. I had a hard night. When I'm not doing well emotionally the voices are stronger and make it hard to sleep.. on top of Bub waking several times I then don't sleep much at all.

Nice to meet someone who gets it. Before Bub if I was having a hard time of it I could taking sleeping pills or use other unhelpful strategies to block it out but now I can't. I feel stupid sometimes for thinking I could raise him well because I knew I had mental health issues for a long long time and it wasn't likely going to change. How am I to know if I am messing him up? Especially if I don't always know who I am or what I'm doing. That's my worst nightmare. I can confidently say he's the only human I've ever actually loved. Before I had him I was terrified I wouldn't even have the capacity to love him. Thankfully I do but now I'm terrified it will change when he's older because I've always connected better with kids. So stressful.

yes, @Maggie has been so kind to respond to me. I'm grateful.

I just remembered my last session the therapist asked me when I learnt that I was too much and at the time I said it was just with professionals but realising it's not because I have that feeling right now. That asking for helping or having needs it's instantly too much. So I apologise ahead.. right now it's 'you're posting too much' 'stop whinging' 'they'll get sick of you'.

Hi again @destructive . It's nice to see you again 😊 Sorry you didn't have a decent night sleep. It's doubly difficult when you're not doing well emotionally and you have a waking littler one 🙁 Does he sleep much during the day? I am also a single mum. Single parenting with mental health stuff going on can be a really hard gig. It's a lot.

What you said about attachment makes a lot of sense to me. Those realisations can be super confronting and can cause a bit of chaos (in my experience) but I think that having an awareness and some insight into the way experiences have shaped who you are can be really helpful when it comes to raising your own family. In a way you can kind of rewrite the story a bit. You get to choose what you do the same and what you do differently. That's how I like to think of it anyway. I suppose the flip side is that it takes some looking back and potentially facing some really hard hitting stuff though. Now I am not sure if what I am saying makes sense!

For a long time I worried a lot about my mental health and the impact it could have on my kids. I was terrified too. I still worry sometimes. I have come to a place where I can see some 'good' about being a parent with mental health issues. I think I am more in tune with my kid's emotions than I would have been otherwise and I encourage them to speak about what's going on for/with them with whoever they feel OK about talking to. Like you, my family weren't huge on feelings (understatement) and I know that caused issues for me. I have chosen to do it differently with mine and I think we're closer and better for it.

I am really glad you are here. We won't get sick of you, though I (and so many others here) understand how it can be really tricky to feel that way. It's brave to push through that and to try and connect anyway ❤

One more thing before I head off for a while - there's a thread here called The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff' , if you'd like to get to know some others parents here. Lots of people here get it.

Looking forward to seeing you around

About being able to use what you learn to shape parenting- Yes, definitely! That was why I started again with a new therapist after being rejected once again. When I knew I was having him I had to. It's easy to throw away my own life but not his. thats for the link to the parenting thread, I'll check it out.

Hes at daycare today and I'm meant to work from home. It's going to be hard to focus today and the not so good thoughts are still bugging me. All I can do is try.

@destructive Hi, just wondering how you are doing. Take care. 💞💞

Hi @Maggie

I'm not the best, another big trigger today that will be in my face for a while it seems. Hard to say without saying what I do and some identifying stuff I'm not comfortable to put online. I'ts hard enough to cope with triggers here or there let alone something that will be in my face everyday. I don't know if I can survive it. It's too much. I don't know what to do.

I hope you had a good day though. Sorry for being a Debbie downer. It was nice of you to check in

@destructive Sounds like a really tough day. Triggers are super hard to deal with, but in your face everyday is over the top hard. Really sorry you are dealing with that, and so much other stuff.

I understand the feeling of not thinking you will survive it, I had a similar one yesterday. Adds so much anxiety.

Do you have any self care strategies. I know it’s tricky with a baby, but anything soothing for you? A bath with nice smelliest, a special coffee/tea. Music.

You’re certainly not a Debbie Downer, we are here to support each other because life is tough.

Sending you some 💞💞💞

@Maggie , not really. Sleep is what I need

right now but that's hard when my heads so full on. I use to be able to use sleeping medication to help but I can't at the moment. My head just gets so overwhelming and powerful and I can't switch it off. I know what it says isn't true or helpful but sometimes just giving in is the easiest way to get it over with and too quieten. I think I do need to see my therapist weekly but I don't know how I could afford that. Makes me feel like what's the point.

I have sleep problems @destructive or lack of sleep. It makes things harder to cope with.

I know what it’s like to have a mind that never switches off also. Racing thoughts etc. I feel for you, and give in also.

I don’t think the system works too well at the moment. Not being able to afford therapy when you need it sucks. I don’t know if there’s assistance financially.

Dont give up.

I’m going log off for the night. Take care where you can. 💞💞💞

I don't know how this place works if I just post here again. I don't want to clogg up the boards with my neediness and complaining and not be able to contribute. So just ignore me if it's annoying.

It's not a good night/day/life and I don't feel like that will change because I am the problem. Unless I can change me, be someone else, then what's the point. I have no one to help me but then even if I did I can't take help because I'm not worth it and that would be too much, too risky. Sometimes it's all I want, someone to hold me and to be able to cry in their arms. Not a partner, more a mother/nurturer. But the only reason I could even admit that here is because you all don't know who I am. I could never have that in real life because my body just physically rejects that... not that I've had it but if I did. And it does make efforts to make sure I don't even get close to that. So then I punish myself. Both for being weak and wanting it and for not being normal and sabotaging it. And then again for waist of someone's time and even illuding to it. And probably for coming here and saying this. How do you battle on when you are battling yourself? I can't do much more of this