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Darkness

Unknown userMember23 Apr 2020, 7:03 pm AEST

Darkness

Well it's been a hellish few weeks, I have fallen into the rabbit hole and there seems no escape this time. The darkness has come and it thicker than the fires of hell.

Things just don't seem to going right at all and my MH is just getting worse and worse. Not sleeping (afraid to sleep) not eating and not taking my meds. I know this doesn't help but why bother because when I am on them I either feel zone out or that they do nothing anyways. I didn't make it work today, got to the front and was physically sick and froze again. Crawled back into bed where I stayed untill I had an unexpected call.

My 3 main MH professional and I in a conference call, at the end of the call I was given a choice be sectioned or have my ex move back in temporarily to provide around the clock monitoring, this means for at least two weeks of him being here making sure I eat, take my meds and be present for all appointments and no SH. I am not happy about either option but because of teenager trauma in a MH hospital I am taking the ex.

I will not be as active as normal but I will check in. but like tonight, I may just support posts as I am struggling to even type this. So @Snowie @eth @Lee82 @Eden1919 @Purplerain @Lotusgirl amd anyone I missed I will be getting the care I need and will be safe. To some of the newest forum members please forgive me if it takes a bit for me to get back to you.

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In response to: Darkness

Unknown userMember27 May 2020, 2:20 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

They have just just gone now so it back to being nice and quiet expect the dam crows 😂

I really hope this settles down a bit more for me today to. It's been a long two days and as much as I try I can't seem to stop the Sh. I don't want to do it. I am a larger lady, I am self conscious enough without the evidence of what I am doing to myself. I can't workout where my brains go in those moments.

I am sorry to hear that your conversation has brought up/raised your fears again. That's not good. I hope that it goes better than you are hoping on Friday because you my friend could really use a break.

I thought the fourm seem quite but since I am still relatively new I was unsure, then plague with uncertainty and fear that I am the reason so many of our friends are away at the moment. I am not dwelling on it and it's not causing me a lot of stress, I am just missing some of them a lot.

Did you end up having your tea little one?

do you mind me calling you little one? I can stop if you would prefer.

🦕🌻 @outlander 🌻🦕

In response to: Re: Darkness

outlanderSenior Contributor27 May 2020, 2:32 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

No i dont mind you calling me that @Former-Member Sherry has called me that for ages too. It doesnt bother me at all 😊

I did finish my tea but its hurting my stomach so thinking it was the wrong decision and maybe shouldve left it abit longer.

It is pretty quiet and no its not you ❤ im missing people too.

Yeah i mentioned what im experienced to a lady at my horses yesterday and pretty much had the 'Why the bloody hell is your dr not doing anything!' chat. She said see what happens on friday with the specialist but she says i really should be getting a bew gp. My current gp has this thing where he says 'well if you scan enough people your bound to find issues' well duh but im not alot of people :face_with_rolling_eyes:

Sh becomes an addiction. I use to sh everyday several times a day and often required medical attention and then had to hide them from everyone. It becomes a vicious cycle of wanting to stop, not being able to resist and then having to deal with the emotions (often blame, self hate embareassment etc,) that comes after harming.

In response to: Re: Darkness

Unknown userMember27 May 2020, 2:59 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

I am sorry your tea has make you feel sick lovely. I am sorry but your gp sounds like a fool, you scan people who need it and you need it, you need a gp that is a little more empathetic towards what you are going through. Fingers crossed the specialist is more helpful on Friday.

Hopefully our friends will return soon ❤️

Hopefully the equine therapy really helps. I have my first meet and greet with the lady and the horses next Thursday.

I hope your afternoon is not to stressful and you can have a little downtime.

I really respect and admire you little one, you have helped me more than you could know. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤️

🦖💜 @outlander 💜🦖

In response to: Darkness

Unknown userMember27 May 2020, 3:02 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

🌸💖 @Lee82 💖🌸

In response to: Re: Darkness

outlanderSenior Contributor27 May 2020, 3:44 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

everything makes me feel sick @Former-Member that's why I have to see a gastroenterologist I like having my morning, midday and evening cup of tea but sometimes even those 3 are to much. ive only had one tea and that's the one I had earlier talking to you. water does the same thing so im still drinking my tea whether my body likes it or not lol. if I eat more then what an average sandwhich would be it almost feels like the end of the world for my stomach. so stupid.

im sure the equine therapy will be good. I have worked with kids who have both intellectual and physical disabilities before with horses and it really helps them a lot. my friend also owns her own business who does the equine assisted therapy in our area as well. I really hope the meeting goes well. if theres something your worried about with the therapy i can try and help you here in the meantime. happy to share whatever knowledge i can with you

I have been triggered during kid pickup sadly. i seen my abuser and he smiled and waved at me.

your welcome, you've helped me a lot too. that is what we do here. share with each other both good and bad and help guide one another through those rocky seas.

In response to: Re: Darkness

outlanderSenior Contributor27 May 2020, 3:48 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

afternoon also @Lee82 @naturlover @Former-Member and everyone passing through

In response to: Re: Darkness

outlanderSenior Contributor27 May 2020, 3:49 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

opps sorry @NatureLover I didn't tag you properly in above post

In response to: Darkness

Lee82Senior Contributor27 May 2020, 4:14 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

I am so sorry I have been away for so long babe.
one thing you have to remember is when your kids were young and you had to look after them and be everything for them. A mum a teacher a doctor a psychologist a friend and so much more be the strong one we tend to put our own needs and wants as well as our MH in hiding. Now that you no longer have to be all those things to your kids as much because they are adults themselves you have now allowed yourself to feel and experience everything that you should have dealt with so long ago but couldn't because you had young kids. Your body and mind is now going ok it's my turn to fall apart so I can be put back together. It is now your turn to be looked after and helped babe. I completely understand what your saying about what you should be doing at your age instead of looking for therapy but now is your time to get better and then alll that other stuff will come in time when you are happier and healthier and it will be so much more worth every bit of it babe.
loving you unconditionally and thinking of you always and forever my sweet beautiful friend. 💗 @Former-Member

In response to: Re: Darkness

Lee82Senior Contributor27 May 2020, 4:19 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

Just read your post about your trigger hun. Are you ok? @outlander

In response to: Re: Darkness

Unknown userMember27 May 2020, 4:24 pm AEST

Re: Darkness

Hi @outlander

I'm sorry to hear about everything that has been going on with your GP and your stomach - it sounds awfully painful!

I'm also sorry to hear about how difficult it has been for you around your self-harming and how this has become such a frequent, vicious cycle for you. How have you been travelling with this cycle today @outlander? Have you tried to engage in other strategies that are less harmful to you?

Sitting here with you!

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