Going through the motions

I'm sorry, @Escaped_Goat , I hadn't thought ahead that it might be related to 'scapegoat'. But I'm glad it amused you, it amused me too, the idea of a cheeky goat escaping its paddock. Goats are so mischievous.

I imagine being raised by a narcissistic mother would be traumatic. Has the no contact helped?

Continuing to go through the motions is not easy, I know, so good on you.

@NatureLover going no contact helped a lot! There's always healing to be done though from childhood trauma. Stepping out of the situation was huge though.. not easy of course.

@Escaped_Goat I'm glad it helped. It has helped me too.

Just this afternoon on another thread one of the moderators mentioned this website, do you know it? www.blueknot.org.au It's the Blue Knot Foundation, which I'd never heard of, supporting people with childhood trauma. I've been reading the website and there's so much I can relate to.

I agree, the healing needed from childhood trauma is endless. It sounds like you are on the path of healing though.

I sometimes feel I will never be healed @NatureLover .

If I could have a do over I would go no contact a lot sooner... in my teens. I messed up so much of my life being depressed and not happy. I was telling my daughter this morning though that I've been practicing for this pandemic my whole life it seems... all the times people laughed at me because I don't like strangers walking or standing close to me and my excessive cleanliness. Look who's laughing now! For once in my life I'm more normal than normal! I don't even get take away food or eat out normally because I don't know who has touched stuff. I can't believe people are still getting food delivered in a pandemic! Germs people!

Thanks for mentioning that site too @NatureLover

I will have a read of it tomorrow. I'm glad no contact has helped you. It's a really hard thing to do and I don't know about you but I was vilified for years for doing it but I think it is the only way to start the healing. I only wish I'd done it sooner.

Do you have germophobia, @Escaped_Goat ? I mean, before Covid-19? I have it and I've been really hoping to meet other germophobes on this forum. I had to laugh when you said you are now more normal than normal

I sadly don't think it's possible to be fully healed from complex childhood trauma. But a good deal of healing is possible I reckon.

@Escaped_Goat I hear you when you say you wish you'd gone no contact sooner. I had no choice in the no contact but it's done me good. Sounds like you have been very strong to withstand the vilification in order to get some healing.

Not diagnosed but I would say yes I'm a germaphobe @NatureLover

I have OCD tendencies but not diagnosed with full blown OCD either. I think because I can keep most of the tendencies to a dull roar that they don't want to label me with something else. I've been out of control with the counting at times but I seem to be able to pull it back to just a quirky level after a while. People think I'm over the top with cleanliness and weird/quirky in my habits. I think having had these tendencies since childhood I've become good at doing them surreptitiously or making them an acceptable part of my weirdness.

@NatureLover I'm sorry.

Unfortunately I wasn't strong enough for myself but when I saw that my mother was starting to do to my then teenage daughter the same as she had done to me.. I was able to be strong for her. I had been living overseas for some years and I had blindly thought the relationship had changed now that I was an adult with my own children. A narcissist never changes. 🙁

@Escaped_Goat I'm so pleased to meet another germophobe! I won't derail your thread by talking about it any more here but I might tag you on the germophobe thread - would that be OK? And if it's not something you really want to discuss, that's totally fine too.