Going through the motions

I had surgery and the anaesthetic meds messed with me for a while afterwards causing me to have all sorts of weird thoughts and reactions to other people. I was on quarantine so the extreme isolation messed with me as well and mental health issues I had thought under control reared their ugly head too. While all messed up like this I broke things off with the one person who cares about me more than anything and hurt him deeply setting off his depression. Three days later I realised what I had done and proceeded to contact him to apologise and explain what I had been going through but he has gone silent from the internet and I have no other way to contact him. This is usual for him when he is depressed but if he is not expecting to hear from me he might not check the sources of contact we had even when he comes back from looking after himself. I'm spiraling down since this all happened and can't forgive myself for hurting him so badly. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of my life just barely. I don't deserve to be happy and I don't want to be happy. I want to fix what I broke. I feel like the worst person in the world. I hate myself for what I did. I don't feel like a mature adult and I'm not coping with my feelings very well at all. It's been a couple of weeks now and every day I feel worse about what I did.