Any diagnosed germophobes or hoarders on this forum?

@Escaped_Goat I hope you are OK and can have a good healing sleep tonight and feel stronger tomorrow..

Good morning @Escaped_Goat - how are you feeling this morning??

It must be very frustrating to not be able to move and do things as you want. Especially if you are a very independent person, like me. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your doctor...

@NatureLover I'm very lucky to have the doctor I do. He's not much older than my son and had his first child the same time as my first grandchild so we shared pictures at appointments. We have a good banter and I think he appreciates that. I mean.. I have occasionally cried on his desk but you get that. I changed doctors a couple of times here until I found him... he's actually in the next town and his interest is in chronic pain conditions so he's been instrumental over the past 18 months that I've been seeing him in getting my pain under control through various means. Movement being one of them.. so he does actually understand how frustrated I am at this time because not moving increases my pain as well as plays havoc with my mental health as a result. Well.. as sorts of things play into that as you would know.

I am feeling insert every curse word you know here.

I went to bed immediately after that session last night. I felt awful. I don't think mindfulness is for me.. focusing on myself is awful. I'd much rather focus on everyone else even though my therapist says that is what I've been doing all my life to avoid addressing my pain. But it feels good and who doesn't want to feel good? I did it yesterday.. I got a message saying my photo book was ready so I was excited and did all the things and left the house. I was driving there and saw just ordinary things.. a magpie.. gum trees looking spectacular.. and started crying because the thought popped in my head how much my friend would love to see them. He was planning his first trip here this coming spring. So after I collected my photo book in order to push that down I spent the last of my dsp on baby clothes for my son and his partners first baby which is expected to put in an appearance in a few weeks. I should be more excited but this depression is sucking that out of me and I hate that. I'm excited but it's like there's a blanket between me and enjoyment at the moment. I'm going through the motions but not really feeling it if you know what I mean.
Anyway.. this is becoming a bit of a sorry saga and I don't want to put a damper on your day. I don't know if you will relate to this part... I accidentally did everything in the wrong order this morning and now the day feels wrong.

That's my last whine for the day though. I'm going to suck it up and make the best of the day. How did you go last night and how is your day planning out?

Hi @Escaped_Goat , I'm sorry you're feeling depressed, frustrated, and in pain...I wish all of them would ease for you. I really felt for you last night...it obviously hit you like a ton of bricks.

I guess I've focussed on myself for a long time in that I've been having counselling for about 25 years, off and on. It has done me a lot of good in addressing my childhood trauma, and I've had a lot of healing...not that it will ever be completely healed, that's not possible I don't think. But I guess it makes more sense that the mindfulness session last night opened up some floodgates for you and stuff poured in that you aren't wanting to address. If you've spent your whole life focussing on others, it would have come as a shock.

That's exciting you're expecting a grandchild soon but awful that you can't feel the joy at the moment. I hate depression for robbing us of the enjoyment of important (and everyday) moments. I hope the extra meds will have kicked in by the time the baby is born, at least.

I can relate to doing everything in the wrong order. Sometimes I start my day again, even if it's 4pm, and do everything in the right order. Does that make sense? Obviously I don't repeat anything I've already done, but I do all the things I missed from my morning routine, in order. It always makes me feel a bit better.

You haven't put a damper on my day. I'm determined to try and change the sheets and have a shower today - do you always have to do those things on the same day? I do. If I can, I also want to clear some of the bags that have piled up on the floor. They are only one layer deep so it should be fairly easy, but I don't want to put too much on myself today so it's only if I feel up to it.

@NatureLover I haven't decided what I'm going to tackle today. The choices are endless. The problem is it all feels like it's about me and I really don't like myself at the moment for what I did to my friend so I don't feel particularly deserving of anything. I know that sounds silly but I just hate so much that I hurt him or anyone after experiencing so much hurt myself in the past that I find it hard to forgive myself. I know I'm slipping backwards so I need to find a way to somehow move forward. Also I need to figure out what bills I have for the next week that I can't pay because of my shopping for baby clothes yesterday. I'm a disaster.
I hope you have a good day. 🙂🙃

@NatureLover I'm thinking this isn't the right place for me. I'm probably just going to make everyone else miserable. I've really enjoyed chatting with you though so thank you for that. I'm just too broken.

Hi @Escaped_Goat,

I'm so sorry that you are struggling so much today! Please do not feel that you need to leave the SANE Forums because you are struggling or upsetting anyone by speaking about what you are going through. The SANE Forums are here to be a space for those who are struggling to reach out and get support from others.

I also wanted to let you know that I have sent you a check-in email.

Please take very good care of yourself!

Amour_Et_Psyché

@Former-Member I'm safe.

hello and hugs @Escaped_Goat

here for you my friend

@Shaz51 Thank you. I don't want to hijack @NatureLover germaphobe post anymore than I have already.