Splitting

Hi @Naynay88 Thank you for contributing your very heartfelt post. I think youll find the process of articulating your pain and struggles here worthwhile and hopefully receive a lot of warm and helpful responses from members. Thanks 🙂

NiteKat (mod)

Thank you @Holiday and @Naynay88 for shedding light on the ups and downs to caring for someone wBPD.

I hear your pain and anguish. I hear your sense of loss. I hear that the person you fell in love with is not who you have.

@Holiday wrote:

Now the good news. BPD cannot be cured. But they can get better. If you want to be with him , yes Your life will be a roller-coaster. Sorry but thats the truth. There will be many shitty days ahead.

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@Holiday , you are right, 'your life will be a roller-coaster'. As a survivour and advocate for BPD, may I ask, is anybody's life NOT a roller-coaster? Can anyone truly say they don't have ups and downs in life? The good news is - pwBPD are humans like everyone else and will indeed have the ups and downs of life. Yes, we may have our blemishes and imperfections, but we did not choose to be like this.

@Holiday and @Naynay88 , please take care of yourselves first. Compassion and self-care is most important. I have also read 'Stop walking on eggshells'. It is good that it helps people understand BPD, however, having a trained therapist help you practise the skills mentioned in the book is ideal.

Hold on my friends....please don't lose hope,

BPDSurvivor

Hi @Holiday ,

Sorry for the slow reply. I spend all day and night either thinking about the problems in my life and self-improvement.:S

Glad to hear your partner is settling down and feeling sorry for himself. How does that manifest itself? Is he being very giving, I wonder how someone is obsessed about their remorse for hurting others? Glad you're not pegging your hopes on something you have no control over and can focus on you and the kids.

When I first wrote in this forum to you, I thought when we were talking about BPD that it meant Bipolar disorder 😛

I have gone through the "checklist" and she sure does meet the guidelinse in my opinion. It's been absolutely enlightening and empowering to watch YouTube videos on BPD and traits of NPD. How to manage myself when handling this person in the future when I expect only a barrage of nasty things.

My ex successfully applied an intervention order on me last week. It was the last straw for my lawyer and I cancelled her service. Yesterday I took legal actions myself to right the ship. I was the primary carer for our infant son until I last saw him on April 28. I have been stunned by the viciousness of the ex and the willingness to lie on the order, which worries she will do anything, say anything in order to harm me. I'm really keen to learn strategies to protect myself from being accused of things I haven't done, eg, recording meetings, never being alone with the person. Just like with your partner, I have blocked all communication with her family. Even though she is 34 she is emotionally codependent on her mother, and together they work as a team against me.

I have to say though that this is a huge opportunity for growth for me. With 2 exes diagnosed with Bipolar and the recent one with, I believe BPD, it says that there are issues with my own personality that I need to address if I am going to enjoy a healthy, sustainable relationship with someone in the future. I tend to be a people-pleaser, historically with low self-esteem and loneliness. I'm surprised to find though that these issues are not as prominent in my life as they once were 🙂

All the best to you!

I'll be more proactive in these forums.

Hi @RadiantWarmth ,

Thank you for sharing your challenges with us. It sure does sound like you are navigating some pretty sticky stuff. I am happy to hear you are reflecting on ways to improve your own health and well-being at this time.

I hear you have had some negative experiences with people with bi-polar and BPD. However, I want to respectfully say that it should not be generalised to an entire population. I was diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD and put on mood stabilisers for 10 years. After that, I was told that bi-polar was a misdiagnosis, and taken off the meds. I kept the label of BPD. Even after that, whether I had the diagnosis or not, I am still fundamentally human - I have strengths and I have flaws (many). There are people who have not been diagnosed with anything - they also do 'bad' things.

I just want to say that we need to look beyond the label and see the person. Yes, there could be people with bipolar or BPD who are pretty nasty (and you've obviously come across them), but there's also those who genuinely need a bit of support to get back on their feet.

If I haven't mentioned it already here, I have BPD, and I think it is the best experience ever! Navigating life through the lens of a borderline is a real eye-opener. I understand and can empathise with people so much better than if I 'sailed' through life. My BPD journey has allowed me to meet so many amazing people with truly amazing stories. If only we be more open, BPD would not have the stigma it has - I can vouch for that.

Give us a chance.

BPDSurvivor

Hi @BPDSurvivor ,

Thank you for your thoughtful and heartfelt response to my message. I am glad to read your BPD journey has given you opportunity to meet many amazing people- that must be an enriching experience!

I realise I might be generalising about BPD, but that is because I am locked in a very serious battle with someone who was once very close to me, now fighting over the future of my 18 month old son and myself. Frankly, the "games" they have been playing and the worst case scenarios in what to expect in the future, scare me. Its paramount I develop strategies to protect myself and not feed their aggression. I'm not only defending myself from the ex but her mother and together they act as one.

I believe labels are valuable and useful, however as you write, you do need to look beyond the labels at the same time. Labels are useful but they do not necessarily equate to truth.

I have great respect for my ex's who have bipolar and BPD. I think they are highly intelligent and very interesting people when I look back. Bipolar manifested itself differently with my exes who have the condition. One was extremely promiscuous, the other extremely violent. However, there were times when we did get along as well. I also look back at how I could have better handled situations, flare-ups, splitting.

I'm starting counselling in two weeks to help me work on myself. I recognise for the past 3 months I have been in 'survival' mode and when the situation calms down and my son is with me again, that surival mode is going to affect will get in the way of positive parenting unless I work on self-healing.

The lens of a borderline is a real eye-opener and it is fascinating learning about it and I too think borderline people aren't bad or evil people.

Grace and Peace

Dear @RadiantWarmth ,

It is great to hear that you are actively seeking support as part of self-care. Your situation certainly does sound turbulent, particularly in terms of your young son.

Living in 'survival mode' can be wearisome and it's certainly not sustainable. I hope your counselling session goes well and you get as much as you can out of it. I have weekly therapy and so in between sessions I practise strategies and skills and I also note down what I want to cover during my next session. This means I get the most out of each session.

All the best @RadiantWarmth . Be kind to yourself. My heart and thoughts are with you.

Keep in touch and continue to reach out.

Hugs,

BPDSurvivor