World caves in

36 years I have suffered shyness and anxiety issues with limited assistance, 16 years was what one person took from me with some assists from others along the way, but the others were at a distance so the pain they caused had a disassociation. I am and have always been a simple convenience to people my beliefs in honor, chivalry, loyalty, morality, respect (for oneself and others), love, and other things that only exist in fairy tales made me handy to have around when required and when they have with my assistance had their confidence rebuilt, they can leave me at the side of a long dirt road without a care or a thought, and I won't yell, I won't scream, I won't throw things or punch things, I won't take it out on anyone I will take it on and suffer the ever increasing weight of pain and dissolution, as they walk away not looking back, not caring, but knowing if ever they needed anything I would be there for them. Why because it is what I am, I am loyal and no matter the pain caused I would never allow someone to suffer because of me.

Knowing I am unwanted in a shallow uncaring world, the coldness and the emptiness so freezes me to the core

I know you are feeling hurt about what you have suffered @Redraw, but we are happy you are here and talking about it with us .... you are not alone. We are hearing you and feel for you in your pain ....

Are you willing to share a little more about yourself here ? I know there is a requirement for anonymity, so I am not asking about specifics, but do you like sport, or art, or cooking .... ? You have said that you produce art, but do you invest yourself in it in other ways too ... like learning about other artists or art history ?

Only answer if you are comfortable to ... I don't want to press your boundaries ...

I have no boundaries, you could ask me anything and I would answer completely honestly, I draw, I study different ways to produce effects, I look at classic artistry with open eyes and an open soul, davinci, Van Gogh, but I avoid modern art as I find it lacking in any real spirit any soul, I like sport I don't play and haven't since I was in my teens, but I do like to watch, as for cooking I cook some pretty good Chinese food, and some other things, I do like to do that if I got the time, the money and the motivation, I like to walk it clears my head though as of late it's been to cold to do much of anything. I think up stories, I read I try to escape via my imagination I put on music and let it wash me clean, I watch movies, I play computer games I go full geek. But to quote everclear, 'we can live beside the ocean, leave the fire behind, swim out past the breakers and watch the world die'.

Yeah, it's been pretty cold where we are .... no icicles hanging from the eaves yet though 😏

I like the Impressionists best ... their images were so full of light and life, but so misunderstood in their own lifetime, most of them. Love Van Gogh's spontaneity and colour.

maybe in the words of papa roach, 'I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, my weakness is that I care to much, and my scars remind me that the past is real, I tear my heart open just to feel'.

or unwritten law, 'am I the only one that feels alone? Though all is home, emotions flow, am I the only one that hears the tears run down my face? Would anybody recognise at all?

linkin park, 'I kept everything inside and even though I tried so hard, it all fell apart, what it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when....... I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter, I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end it doesn't even matter'

and I got plenty more hahaha

I do like Impressionism, though surrealism has many pluses too and pop culture, mine is ranging but not much in the way of landscapes, I suddenly remembered that scene in ferris bullers day off when Cameron stares deeply at the post impressionist painting by Seurat, I also recall seeing a Van Gogh exhibit when I was young that was great

Hi utopia, curiouser and curiouser, well let's see counsellors and such well yeah see I don't like people that you pay to give the impression that they care, as for people I trust there is a total of no one I trust completely every person I have trusted has betrayed me in one way or another.

As for taking things out on inanimate objects that just doesn't do anything for me, would likely just make things worse I think

I try to escape into an imaginary world within my own mind where, my ideals still exist, where people don't crush me like I am nothing, where people still care and i am not made to feel worthless, where people still have morality and dignity, and there is more than just money, sex and power. Sadly just an illusion but at least it's something.