Hi @outlander
This is really rough for you and your family could be kinder to you at least but I really know about your mother and that is a dead end - very little help from her I am sure
I read somewhere on-line that it's okay to "fib" to people with dementia because they will forget anyway - and my suggestion is that you say things like this to your Pop
"Just because everyone says you have dementia doesn't mean you have - you just have memory loss and you forget things so I will remind you"
"Just because people have said you have dementia doesn't mean you have - you can't act like that because it's dangerous to drive if you forget things like road rules"
And if he loses his licence that will mean hell has to be paid but he will not be allowed to drive and that is a hard road but it will have to come to that and right now - I haven't much to say except to hide the car keys which I expect you are already doing
His being nasty to you - that's harder - I suggest you walk out one door and come in another - by then his mind is on another track - because he forgets things.
And his repeating things - really he forgets - and that is just tough on you - it must be draining and in fact - having your family think it's funny is no reflection upon you or your ability to deal with the situation - it's indicates there degree of insensitivity - it's unkind and isolates you - really hard to take
You are a saint to endure this - you are doing your best - my family never discussed dementia of a couple of my grandparents and my mother with me - I walked out on my mother because she was nasty with hers - those she was less nasty with stayed with her - she was in a facility that was very well managed and she was well cared for but high care as well - some people are really nasty with dementia - other people are more gentle - some loveable -
When my son died my father's family told me to lie to my old grandmother in care and not tell her because she was upset but would not remember - for years I had been visiting her every week but during the last couple of years I went less because lying has always been outside my behaviour-rules - but I did lie and found it really hard. Since I read that article about "fibbing" it has been easier to remember because she would have been upset but forgotten - over and over again - and it would have been grossly unkind to her
Your Pop though - does seem to have some of his wits about him - changing his personality with your family and his doctors - and when you try and speak about this you get the shove around to My Aged Care - and there is nothing quite like getting the shove around - it's like being is the Hall of Mirrors where you keep finding yourself coming the opposite way - I went through the shove-around trying to get help for my son
Why does this exist? It's failure on the part of the various systems that are underfunded and under-manned - not you - not anyone's fault at all really - just that the processes are grid-locked with the need in an aging community to meet the needs of an increasing number of people
It's so hard for you - with your family laughing whenever it suits them when they coulfd do their bit but don't.
Respite - yes - you need that - I did some respite work with people with MS a long time ago - university undergraduates do a lot of different work - and I know that carers need respite - even if they take their snacks and smokes and newspaper and go to the back fence and face it totally ignoring the respite carer because this is their couple of hours to themselves.
You need that couple of hours - I know this - even if you just sit in your car - two hours with no Pop with his "stuff"
And no - don't tell him - he will forget. Tell him you are eating well to stay healthy and prevent dementia - repeating constanly yourself that what everyone says is wrong and he isn't allowed to behave like it
It's so hard for you - and even saints were tested -
Dec
