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Something’s not right

There goes another dream.

LemonjuiceSenior Contributor30 Jan 2020, 3:05 pm AEDT

There goes another dream.

I was told by an academic a couple of years back that if I did a graduate diploma, I could move on to do a PhD. I started the course thinking the two year course would take me three part-time years. It's taken me six years due to ill health, deaths, etc, with three subjects left to complete. I was just told that this was wrong, and I still have to complete honours, then masters, etc, before getting to a PhD. I'm done. At 56, four to six years doing a PhD was ok, but now it's six before I even begin studying for a PhD, it's too much for me. I'm already slowing down mentally. So, the last reason to live is now past me. Oh well, add it to all the other things I screwed up.

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In response to: There goes another dream.

Unknown userMember30 Jan 2020, 3:26 pm AEDT

Re: There goes another dream.

Hi @Lemonjuice

I'm so sorry to hear that the six years you’ve invested in your studies have seemingly been in vain - I can't imagine how devastating that would be!

I just wanted to let you know that we have sent you an email to check-in.

Please take care of yourself as best you can!

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Psyché

In response to: There goes another dream.

EveranSenior Contributor30 Jan 2020, 3:56 pm AEDT

Re: There goes another dream.

Hi @Lemonjuice,

It's great to hear your story and i think you did a wonderful job in your academic life.

I wasn't able to finish my academic life and thought my reason for my passion was over. I have subsequently found greater cause in my life that i really was doing it to fill a need and i think it is slowly changing into the person i am not just a research paper that i wrote. I loved university so much i think i was given so much security. I am still not exactly sure what my passion is but hope that it will become clear and think that is the case. I am not sure you need a passion for me.

I hope people can give you enough care and look out for you when it is tough. It's sounds so tough to have to deal with what you are going through sorry

In response to: Re: There goes another dream.

LemonjuiceSenior Contributor30 Jan 2020, 4:40 pm AEDT

Re: There goes another dream.

@Everan @Former-Member Actually, I think it's kind of funny...it's almost a kind of karmic thing happening. It's really hard for me to figure out what I might want to do, then put effort in to doing it, and everytime I make an attempt, something goes wrong and I have to leave it. I've noticed it occurring in my life, over and over. Whatever I try it fails and nothing I have is from me; my money is given to me by the government, the house is an inheritance from my parents, my bed is my nephew's. I've failed at prettymuch everything, almost to a level where now, life almost feels like a joke...like I am watching a stage play and watching me going through the motions. I'm going to take the hint and stop trying, just live as simply as possible.

In response to: Re: There goes another dream.

EveranSenior Contributor30 Jan 2020, 4:57 pm AEDT

Re: There goes another dream.

Hi @Lemonjuice

As you were saying, live as simply as possible it all comes down to your choices. I think that is a lot. I was watching the movie invictus recently and in the song in the end the lyrics say 'god has made me into whatever i am' which kinda of suited me as i dont have a house and lots of things to celebrate. I find it difficult to make decisions and need to slow down to make them and it's hard when you are living without passion.

In response to: Re: There goes another dream.

LemonjuiceSenior Contributor30 Jan 2020, 5:00 pm AEDT

Re: There goes another dream.

As they say, life's a b*tch and you just have to adjust.

In response to: Re: There goes another dream.

CheerBearSenior Contributor30 Jan 2020, 5:16 pm AEDT

Re: There goes another dream.

Hey @Lemonjuice. You're really taking some big hits lately 🙁

I really felt your post above. I was at the very end of my degree, with the equivalent of just a couple of units to go, when my life turned completely upside down in a way that was out of my control. It had taken me a reeeeally long time and so much work to get to the end of my study and I had huge hopes and dreams. Even coming close to thinking about it has felt too painful at times and whenever I looked into 'where to from here', it seems life has thrown some kind of "nope" curveball at me. It takes a lot to get up when you seem to get knocked down so often 🙁

I lost a lot when life turned upside down and one of the most painful things I lost was my study and the years I spent working at something that has since felt pointless at times. It felt (can still feel) like my dreams and hopes were destroyed. It's hugely shattering.

I'm working through it all, carefully and slowly, holding hope at times and sitting with despair at others. Last month I was ready to give up on and was convinced that was the best thing to do. The last couple of weeks have felt good and like it's a possibility again. It's a bit (a lot) of a rollercoaster.

You're not alone ❤

In response to: Re: There goes another dream.

EveranSenior Contributor30 Jan 2020, 5:18 pm AEDT

Re: There goes another dream.

@Lemonjuice and hope in the new axial age don't know how reliable that is

In response to: Re: There goes another dream.

LemonjuiceSenior Contributor30 Jan 2020, 5:32 pm AEDT

Re: There goes another dream.

@CheerBear I'm sorry that you had to let go of it. What were you studying? For me it was psychology. I started reading Freud when I was around 13 -14 and I was hooked. 💓

In response to: Re: There goes another dream.

CheerBearSenior Contributor30 Jan 2020, 5:41 pm AEDT

Re: There goes another dream.

That sounds like a pretty intense passion you had then maybe @Lemonjuice. I'm thinking also how difficult it can be to have that kind of theoretical knowledge and understanding while being a MH consumer/person with lived experience too. Really tough stuff. I'm sorry you've experienced what you have 🙁

Without being specific, my studies were social work related. I switched from psych to social work when I realised how much more nicely I played with social workers 😝😉 I just found it a better fit for me but in saying that I have looked into maybe transferring across to finish psych instead (the logistics of a psych degree might be easier for me to manage at the moment than what I was studying). I've gotten no further than "looking" at this stage though as, like I mentioned above, it can still hurt a lot and it can still feel way too big and overwhelming and raw (annoyingly) 😏

In response to: There goes another dream.

BryanaCampSenior Contributor31 Jan 2020, 1:53 pm AEDT

Re: There goes another dream.

I get the feeling that you're depressed. I can't help you with validation but I can provide another point of view, the devils advocate if you like, that may put the PhD into perspective.

Both my parents & my grandparents all have PhD's. So I know from considerable expereince what a PhD means regarding the quality of a person...

To illustrate the point... a schizoaffective, borderline personality disordered friend recently said to me, "isn't it wonderful that people spend 7 or 8 years getting qualified and turn out to be totally useless?" I couldn't agree with her more.

My mother sexually abused me and chronically psychologically tortured me such that I have permanent brain damage and personality disorder. She has a PhD in clinical child psychology. Pushing 80, she's still called to the stand in court as an expert in child sexual abuse based on her PhD. Hmm... I know the title of her PhD but I can't disclose it here as that would be identifying & against the guidelines but I can tell you it is along the lines of 'how much can you torture a child'. My dad was complicit in all the abuse and he had a PhD too, in a totally unrelated area. I've been re-traumatised by several PhD-holding experts who are supposed to be able to treat trauma but they abused me instead because they were inexperienced in such extreme trauma cases as me.

Do you really want to be part of this PhD community? If you ask me, you'd make a far bigger, bolder & more effective contribution as a volunteer. I volunteered for 15 months at my local community house and the attendants were the most needy, desperate, damaged souls I've ever met. The need is there, it needs folks able to try to meet it.

Personally, I don't think that personal, intellectual stimulation & academic prestige are adequate reasons to undertake a PhD. They are costly to the federal govt funds and I gotta ask, who will this PhD research benefit in reality? Wouldn't you cause way more benefit simply by volunteering at a community house or being a peer support for those who are traumatised to the point of being low-functioning?

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.