Please help me with my BPD son

ohhhh lots fof hugs my sister @Bunniekins

Hello and hugs @Saddened , @Eden1919 , @Appleblossom

@Shaz51 hugs my sister . It is a very difficult position that @Saddened finds herself in. To not feel safe in your own home by violence from your own sick child is an awful situation .... I remember after the sharp object incident I wanted a avo on my son as a form of control but my ex didnt believe it was necessary we went to court it was just awful plus I was psychotic at the time. What can I say this kind of thing breaks up families, makes people around the sick person ill it is just an awful situation. Basically because a parent is 99% of the time programmed to protect their child so for the child to display these kinds of behaviours in return is sad and confusing.

Saddened your son needs to see a professional and have long term treatment but if he is an adult he cannot be forced to do so..... if you are in danger or feel unsafe you must call the police and have him taken off the premises. Sad but true. Love greenpeaxx

ohhh @Saddened we are with you my awesome friend , you are not alone

please keep sharing xoxoxo

@Saddened

I wish I had more ideas for you. One thing about going to the garage is that he is making moves towards wanting to fly the nest, but maybe cannot see how it would be possible. Its a step. Next thing could be to request respect and tell him he would probably be happier with his own space and to find his own feet. He may well be triggered, but then settle down. Best not to subsidise his dope. He will feel better about himself as he mans up. Best he moves before there are escalations. Unfotunately Covirus Lockdown is not the best time.

For Boundaries. I tried to be picky and choose only one at a time, ie for a year, but ensure that it was followed through. It meant that I put up with a lot, but did not engage much with negative stuff, just withdrew to room. Gradually over a period of 5 years. I reclaimed my space. I was not interested in a "you have the problem and I dont". I did not want my child to have a MI problem. I took stand that everybody has problems. I had problems. Boundaries still existed. First boundary ... was not to play music through the night next to room. Next year it was Play music at other end of house, and only special times could he come into my music room and he had to ask and he had to place chairs back in proper postions as I am getting to old to be always moving furniture. So it was very simple and it was work to remember and maintain them, but he began to take it on board. They are specific to our circumstances. He was taking over my busyness as I was working from home.

It is very draining living with hostility and volatility. It is better he moves out completely before he burns all his bridges. I use the concept of being able to "carry one's weight". His challenge is to put his understanding from his studies to the best use HE can FIND. I would never push him to be an accountant, he is in a totally different head space, but gently insist he has skills and its his challenge to do something with it rather than just "knocking the system". That gets old and gets him nowhere.

I am not totally impressed with "the system" myself. They have let me and my family down a few times. There is a lot of money going to all those professionals, but so many carers, and I have belonged to a few different carer groups, are disappointed. Still it is important to maintain that there is HOPE and an external voice and ear can be a tool to effective transition to independence.

I have a thread about Boundaries where I was posting when things were tough for me. I also will edit this after you have had time to read it as I do want some protection for my son's anonymity.

Take Care

@Shaz51 Hi

@Saddened it is a difficult thing and honestly I feel like DBT is something that only really works if you are open to it and actually give it a try and genuinely try and embrace it so if he isn’t interested so to speak it would probably not be worth paying all the money now maybe down the track if he changes his mind... I am not trying to sound harsh when I say this but he is 28? He is an adult and unless he is suffering from psychosis or a break of some kind where he cannot understand the consequences of his actions then he would be aware enough to know that what he is doing is not ok. That isn’t to say the he has the skills to manage his feelings or that he knows any other way to respond he probably doesn’t but if he isn’t willing to try and change his behavior then you are well within your rights to ask him to leave if he is being unsafe in the house. It is your house or at least your name on the rent papers and he has no entitlement to stay there he is not a dependent he is an adult who unless assessed to be otherwise is capable of caring for himself in a basic sense (legally anyway) and legally speaking you can kick him out and if he refuses to go call the police and say he is trespassing which he would be if you did not give him permission to stay in your home, I won’t say if you should or shouldn’t do that but legally he is not entitled to stay in your home unless he has proof of contributions to the household costs and repairs or is on the official paperwork as a home owner/renter. If you have other kids I would think carefully about him staying if he is a risk to them as well as yourself. I guess I understand he is suffering but it still isn’t ok that he is harassing members of the family. If it were me and I cannot tell you what to do but if I were the one making the decision I would tell him he was only permitted to stay if he agreed to get help and stick with it for at least a year or 2 I would also say that if he continued to be abusive then he would have to leave regardless. It is natural to want to support your kids but kids aren’t kids forever and at some point they have to take some responsibility and some people don’t learn to do this until they are in a situation where they have to.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh I don’t mean to be rude or overstep anything this is just my opinion perspective and you can take what you find helpful and leave what you don’t.

Hi @Eden1919 @Appleblossom @Shaz51 @Bunniekins

Your experience with your psychotic son and the consequences for you mentally and emotionally has certainly made me realise as we do forgot in our own times of stress that there are many people out there who endure the same and sometimes worse. Your experience has most certainly been a difficult one. I’m glad your son has found recovery and you are in a better place.

My son is almost 29 years old. Do I currently feel hopeful ... no.

I have been enduring his illness for some years, although at the time I didn’t quite know he had such a serious problem. I thought he was a very difficult teenager/young adult putting everything to the test. Looking back though and knowing more the signs were there. The last 5-6 years (I’ve lost track) have been exceptionally difficult. Violent outbursts, emotional abuse, police and so on.

I don’t know if I can do another 6 years if he doesn’t get help or something changes. In 6 years he will be 35. It’s quite confronting having a man 6ft, strong and standing over you threatening and abusing you. Accusing you and others of non sensical thoughts.

I understand all is actions and words are as a result of his illness. I still love him and I always offer support despite what he says or what has or is happening. He is my son at the end of the day. It breaks my heart to see him like this.

However how long can this adult stay at home with me like this? Even if he left home I would still be there for him but at least perhaps it would take some of the stress of the rest of us. I don’t want to get further sick as a consequence of nothing ever changing or taking another so many years to change. I don’t want to be confronted physically nor anyone else. It worries me more that this will or can go on for so long. I feel frail right now so I guess my fragility gives me little hope or confidence. I’m also a Carer for my 86 year old widowed father. If something happens to me my father has no one.

I know it sounds like I just want him out and truthfully I do. I don’t feel safe and I don’t feel safe for others. Having said that, I am scared to instigate anything because it will trigger him into paranoia and rage. I would say most times when he goes off he is in a psychotic state which is even more scary. However I don’t want to wait for something bad to happen when he is triggered and relying on the police to remove him from my home. It’s just so hard. It’s so hard to make any decision right now as I’m just so worried of how they will be received and what may result.

Thank you for caring though. Every little piece of advice and words of hope and kindness means so much. You are all lovely people xxx

@Bunniekins I called the police the other day when my son was in his psychotic state and in a rage. Although he wasn't violent i called the police to prevent a violent situation. Past experience has put me on high alert and recognizing the triggers I thought they would help. He was definitely in a psychotic state. He was saying things that made no sense at all and was highly agitated. The police advised they had no grounds to take him away because he want physically violent. They called a nurse to assess him and she was content to leave him home. I was totally disheartened and disappointed with our system. I was shaking with fear and expressed my concern and advised them of past experiences and it meant nothing. 😢

Hi @Eden1919

There is no offense in anything you say. You are in fact right in saying he can be legally removed. I have thought about doing that. It's just that I'm scared to do it. He has to be issued with a letter from a lawyer first and then if he doesn't adhere I can have him removed by the police. I guess I'm just scared of how he will react to that letter. I'm already paying the price and receiving abuse and accusations of not caring for him because I called the police on him the other day. I'm scared to think what his reaction will be if I issue him with letter to leave. Everything is just so difficult.

@Saddened

If he is 29 I think it is fair to say 30 is absolute limit for him to get his shit together to get a place. Pardon the rough speech but that is the language of young men. I had to be my son's best mate for a while. No ifs or buts.

As @Eden1919 said not a good idea to accept or collude with bad disrespectful behaviour. She is also right about DBT. If he want it he pays for it. If he does not want it. You dont pay. NO matter the fear of the unthinkable.

It is so hard as mum. I had to tolerate a lot of patronising and putdowns and I had been more than generous to my son. Making all the excuses and seeing all the reasons. My son was seriously psychotic and it became a justice system issue, outside of my hands, so there was another system to rail against, along with Centrelink, Music scales, Maccas, education and health. I did not know what to do either. SO many people ramble on how their kids mature later and all that. Where to draw the line is up to you.

I think my mother made a mistake in rescuing my brother for too long. He suicided at 33 after 15 horror years. I still love him, but you can imagine ... I deeply felt I had to do something different for my son, who was effected by his uncle and other things. I always kept a patter about getting skills and independence. Even if he has serious mental health diagnosis, he is better off learning how to look after himself. Thats all they offer him inside hospital if it is good. Being clear and PRACTICAL can alleviate some of the blame game as to who is the mad one and all that. Been there and done it death.

Offer to buy him a tent. Keep to Bottom Lines. Connecting with nature is not all bad. He might find a few more herbs growing in the bush ... he might plant some ... and then some vegetables ... but its HIS LIFE.

Each life is valuable.

Hi @Appleblossom

I think you are right in saying that he can’t manage himself to leave the house because he can’t keep a job and has no money. He has had countless jobs but never been able to hold one for any length of time. He has no savings. I would say most of it has gone to smoking cannabis of which I don’t fund or support. He is currently unemployed, again.

I have suggested to him that if he doesn’t like living at home because he can’t adhere to respecting people and being an active family member he should consider getting his own accommodation and live in the manner he wants. That didn’t go down well as he saw it as rejection and not caring for him, which is part of the emotional dysregulation of BPD. Of course that triggered him into an episode so I never bought that up again. It’s very hard to suggest, advise or even set boundaries with him. Of late there is more rage and paranoid ideation than moments of calmness. I’ve seen him in psychotic episodes previously that have with time subsided however of late it seems more prevalent. He makes no sense at all and his paranoia is highly intensified. If I don’t share his opinion with anything he says he goes into a rage and the abuse and false accusations begin. I try to do the acknowledge, listen, walk away if things get heated but I really feel they don’t help. Maybe I’m doing it wrong 😢

I’ve tried setting boundaries but it’s been difficult. He just laughs in my face or gets aggressive.

You are right in saying he needs to leave but how do I get him to leave outside of getting him evicted or selling my house ?